Always loved, Never forgotten.

One year holds so many things...

Smiles... Laughs... Problems... Solutions... Sunny Days.. Chilly Nights... Travelling.. Birthdays... Anniversaries.. Holidays...

So many things make up a year. So many things happen. And you don't realize how many little things you take for granted, until you lose someone close. You don't realize how much you miss the little conversations, the constant annoying msn messages and the consistant nose butting into our lives.

You don't realize how much changes, how much this single event, this one person leaving your everyday routine will change you. How when once you were patient, forgiving and open, you find yourself frustrated, angry and harsh. When the silliest reminders make you cry, and feel like your heart is breaking all over again.

One year. But seems like a million.

Love...

Growing up, I never had a real urge to get married. I want kids, but have never wanted what I considered the hassle of a husband. I never really could grasp the concept of real, true love. I saw fairy tale love which I considered a sham from the first. I'd seen too many broken relationships to fall for such foolishness, even though in a dark corner of my heart, I longed for it to be true.

Sounds ridiculous, but in the back of my mind I've always had the notion that we have a type of family curse. Not too many women in my family have survived one marriage, most making it through at least two or three. I've always had a thought in the back of my mind that I don't want to go through that kind of hurt.

But then something happened. No, I didn't meet his eyes across the room and know that true love exits. This isn't even about a boy, or at least my boy. This is about two people I hold close to my heart. A dear friend of mine, Katrina, and by extension, her new husband, Levi.

When I found out they were to be engaged, I was surprised! Time flies and I hadn't really realized how long they had been together! When I was talking to Katrina, I only had one question, and being as I didn't know Levi, nor had seen them together, I think it was fair. "Do you love him?". Katrina's answer was a resounding "DO I?!"- and coming from Katrina, that is all I needed. I was instantly happy for her.

She knew my feelings on marrying young, how I thought people were getting married too young, and not giving themselves time for adventure and to enjoy their youth. She maintained that she was still going to have adventures, and what's better than to enjoy them with the person you love most in the whole world?! I can't argue with that!

Then I saw a picture of theirs, an engagement photo. They are both under an umbrella, and looking at one another. They both look so happy, so in love, so blissful. The love that shines there is unlike what I have ever seen before Mature. Giving. Selfless.

Then, the wedding. I must tell you, she looked radiant. Absolutely stunning. And they looked amazing together! The way they looked at each other was- well, there was no other word for it than epic. The love that shone from their faces was so pure.. so unhindered.. so.. amazing.

Now they are off on a VERY extended honeymoon, three months or more travelling around France, Europe and heaven knows where else! Katrina is certainly getting her adventure!

I shan't lie. They have definitely laid all of my past doubts about marriage to rest. When you see them with one another, I think it might be worth the risk..

So here's to Katrina and Levi, long may your love last.

<3> Mhea

why the need??

I was raised in a Christian home. I grew up with the mindset of most Christians. The shallow, religious Sunday School answers, and not really diving fully into what my faith really means. When my mom was killed, well, even before that when I was diagnosed with depression, I started questioning. I stopped going to church for quite awhile, and just became numb to the whole thing.

Fellow 'Christians' became drama seekers, and a pain in my ass. They all want the inside scoop, and would judge and gossip about my family and I. Not something I want to deal with.

Lately I've begun going back to church and to a Bible Study to make people around me know that I'm not a heathen, and am trying to make an effort. But it pisses me off! These little brats sit there all high and mighty judging me, yet not questioning their own faith.

Yesterday I was told that the definition of sin is the nature of humans. I fully disagree. I believe that sin is a word, thought or action which would be in opposition with what God wants.

I was also told that a certain percentage is destined for Heaven, and the rest for Hell. I personally think that is bullshit. I believe that if you are 'good' in your deeds, and aren't loving towards people, you judge and discriminate, then you aren't exactly following God's laws either!

Last week I was told that all things can be done through prayer if you just believe. And if it doesn't work, you don't really believe. Bahhhhh...

Then they had 15 minutes for prayer time. Well, I'm sorry but God and I are on a break, we really aren't speaking at the moment. So don't ask me too pray for the group/ in front of the group/ with the group. Trust me. I have my reasons, and they are pretty damn good ones too.

I don't know if I can continue attending! It frustrates me to no end! If we disagree with something, they just throw out another Bible verse, that has nothing to do with the situation, time period etc.

They like picking apart every word of the Bible when it has been translated from another language, one that has twice as many words than the english language. Grrrrrrrr...

"The greatest turnoff to christianity everywhere is christians themselves." - my favourite quote on the matter.

Ok, I'm off to work. Have a good one all :)

<3> Mhea

Tired...

Tis summer.. and to some, that means sitting back, relaxing, and taking in the fresh air. For me it means 35 kids, one coworker, a constant headache and a surprising desire for liquor.

I'm running a daycamp for low income housing kids. They are good kids, and have so much potential, however because of their lot in life, acting out is common- in a big way. Every day I get home and flop down, ready for bed. The emotional drain these kids take outta you is insane! This is my third year doing this job, so I know most of the parents and kids. Doesn't make it any easier. Every day I wonder why I'm doing this. And then a child comes up and says that I'm their favourite, or that they love me, or just gives me a hug, and I remember.

These kids just need love. They need a firm caring hand. Sometimes its hard to not get carried away and get frustrated (I'll admit I'm guilty of that in a big way!) but they really just need someone there to listen, to care.

I keep having to remind myself of this. Even if I can help one child, my summer will be worth it.

People ALWAYS leave.

I have a theory...

People always leave. It's a rule. And sometimes I forget that.. and I let myself get too close to someone, or know too much about me.. and it always bites me in the ass. 

When I used to have bffs, I'd never tell them too much about me.. I'd keep it so we were always talking about them.. it was better that way.. what they don't know can't hurt me.  Ever. 

So the bffs I thought I had need to go. Clearly trust is something I've become a lil too free with. 

Friends.. friends are good.. not too personal.. its a good thing.. I need to go back to having friends.. and only friends..

bffs are of the past my friends.. of the past.. 

I think part of my anger and frustration with everything stems from my mom's anniversary of her death. Since then I've constantly been pissy and bitchy. and Definitely okay wiht it. I dont wanna deal with any more bullshit. I may or may not have started redirecting that anger at my friend... ugh.. I am my biggest downfall..

My Enemy

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy. 

I sabotage the best things in my life

In fear of the worst. 

I refuse to get hurt

By anyone, ever.

If I think there's that chance,

It's goodbye forever.

I will not cry

Over anyone or thing.

I'll stay strong for me

It's all I can do

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy. 

Angel girl

Halo..

I never promised you a ray of light  

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday  

I'll give you everything I have  The good the bad...  

Why do you put me on a pedestal?  

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below  

So help me down, you've got it wrong  

I don't belong there  

[Chorus]  

One thing is clear  

I wear a halo  

I wear a halo when you look at me  

But standing from here  

You wouldn't say so  

You wouldn't say so if you were me  

I always said that I would make mistakes  

I'm only human and that's my saving grace  

I fall as hard as I try  

So don't be blinded  

See me as I really am  

I have flaws and sometimes I even sin  

So pull me from that pedestal,

I don't belong there  One thing is clear  

I wear a halo  

I wear a halo when you look at me  

but standing from here  

you wouldn't say so... 

The Fruit Game

Back at camp, one of the ways that we girls would bond would be through playing the fruit game. We'd assign a fruit to each of the guys based on attributes, 

Mango

Definately an acquired taste. When you first meet them, you aren't too sure about them. After awhile, you decide, and either love em, or hate em. They have a solid core, are sweet, and somewhat mushy. You have to catch them at the right time, and can get messy unless handled properly. They are not also not too bad looking. 

Red Delicious

Good looking on the outside, it hides many bruises. Egos tend to be a problem with RDs. Looking like a  million bucks, they are often disappointing. 

Avacado

Somewhat odd looking, a little strange. An acquired taste- at first you really aren't sure about them. Even if you don't like them, you still have to admit that there's something different about them you have to give them props for. Solid core, slightly mushy. 

Pear

They are the most feminine of all guys. Whether it be gay or metro, pear is where they are at. no real core, very soft. 

Strawberry

Wears their innermost emotions on their sleeve. Sweet, unassuming, but can sometimes be sour. The kind of guy that makes you feel better when you are having a crappy day. 

Macintosh

A typical all-canadian guy. Well liked by all, good looking, funny, sweet, kind, mischievous. Manages to be typical, yet original. 

It's just a little fun for a friday morning! 

<3> Mhea

Friends and the way we move..

Me- I can almost guarantee you that you will not have the same friends as you have now in 10 years. 

Sis O- Yes I will! I'll be friends with them FOREVER. 

Me- Friends, yes. But not as close as you are with them now. 

Sis O- why?!

Me- Because as friends grow, they choose different paths. And then they find new friends that are on that path. 

She didn't believe me. I didn't believe my mom either after she told me that my friends and I won't be friends in 20 years. I was convinced we'd all still be best friends. As it were, I don't talk to any of them. I figured through high school, when we'd all leave, we'd all still be sooo tight! Fact is, I'm not super tight with anyone really from high school. Now camp is another story. My best friends are the ones I met at camp. I'm still friends with all of them still after years. 

In general I think I'm afraid to get too close to anyone because I know that eventually they'll just leave. Whether it's to actually move to get a job, or go to school. Or if they get a new boyfriend, and their whole world suddenly revolves around this new love interest. Or even if they get married. Life changes. And I don't like it! I'm selfish, I know. And I know that people are going to move on with their lives. 

<3> Mhea

Weddings = a political pain in the ass.

With all the buzz about weddings, I've come to realize that there is a huge element of politics just in choosing your bridal party. So, I've decided to see just what my own wedding party would look like. 

So, if I had to decide on my bridal party right this moment, it would be as follows:

Maid of Honour- Lola

Bridesmaid #1- Petra

Bridesmaid #2- Femke

Jr. Bridesmaid #1- Sister M

Jr. Bridesmaid #2- Sister O

Ringbearer would CLEARLY be my BabyBoy

The first three are really my best friends. I've already been told, not asked that I'll be MOH for Femke, and, although she's only been dating her new boy for 6 months, I've already met the best man..

Now that I think about it, I can understand why so many people have so many bridesmaids! There's still Hannah, my friend since birth, Steph my best girl from Edmonton, my sister Shannon, Melissa, and thats just the start! All would be horribly disappointed if I didn't have them in my wedding. 

But then, there are just as much politics in who to INVITE to the wedding. Where do you draw the line?! Do you include everyone on your facebook list? Do you keep it to close friends and family? If so, what about those close friends that you just suck at keeping in touch with?!

See?! As if there weren't enough worries with the wedding itself, and the marriage itself, you have to add all this other stress. 

I've come up with the best 2 choices, as far as I can see. 

1) A beach wedding. Anyone who wants to come, feel free! Dance and DJ, BBQ to follow. :) HOW FUN?! Minimal stress, still beautiful. 

2) Destination Wedding. Your favourite ppls and you in the Carribean, celebrating your big day?! I'm so down! 

As for the wedding party.. well.. I'm not getting married.. so I can only pity those who are.. ha!!

<3> Mhea

Madamoiselle Me at your service..

Ever since I was little, I've been that person. That person who listens to everyone about everything. That person who knows what's going on with everyone's lives. That person who will go to the grave with anything you've told me. 

I've been that person that will listen and nod, give a hug and a smile. 

I've been that person who doesn't judge, doesn't get fed up with people's repetitive bullshit. 

A few examples. Young man I worked with when I was 15, just lost his mom 2 or 3 months earlier. When it happened, he clammed up and wouldn't talk to anyone. At all. We are sitting there in the sandbox playing with the 2 and 3 year olds and he starts telling me the whole story about how he found his mother dead. I had no clue WHAT to say. So, I didn't say anything.. I just let him talk.. Well, this apparently opened the door for his sister to tell me her side of the story.. And from there.. it just continued. 

I had so many girls in high school asking for me and my mom's help when they thought they were pregnant. I'd be called out of class to peer mediate group issues. 

That's what kind of girl I've been. The one that is always here to listen. And just smile. But I'm sick of the same girls thinking they are pregnant 4 times in 3 months and not learning their lesson. I'm sick of hearing the same sob story about the same guy who broke her heart 3 times but 'he's changed'. I'm sick of how utterly stupid people are. I don't know how to deal with them anymore without having a major freakout on their heads. I find myself pulling away from them all.

Patience is something I lack at the moment, and I don't know how to get more of. Maybe I just need to take a break from all of the crap in everyone else's lives.  

<3> Mhea

one year goes by too fast

Saturday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. Harsh to remember everything.  The fam and I went over to African Lion Safari. It's essentially a zoo you drive through. Lions come up to your car, Monkeys sit on your roof and side mirrors. You can ride an elephant. It's awesome. The GREATEST experience ever. BabyBoy had a blast, freaking out over all the animals. On the way, we picked up a backpack carrier for him, so he spent the day chilling in that on my back, and then my dad's. THE BEST creation of life. He loves it, I love it. It's wonderful. 

BabyBoy rode an elephant, he absolutely LOVED it. All in all, a good enough day all things considering. Maybe later I'll share some memories and such. For right now, BabyBoy needs some attention. 

<3> Mhea

Not forgotten...

Dearest Blog, 

I've done it again. I've neglected you. Ignored you. Rejected you for other things. 

I apologize. 

Its not you.. its me. Really.. I'll be back soon.. I promise. I just... need a little time to figure me out.. 

I'll call you ok? 

<3> Mhea

Random Thought.. Me x10

'It makes you all that you can be.

It makes you tenfold on the outside,

what you are on the inside!'

~ Bartok the Magnificent

This is a quote from a cartoon I was watching with BabyBoy and it got me thinking. In the movie, the witch Baba Yaga has Bartok, a little bat, help her create this potion which will make him all that he can be. However, the prince's evil caretaker drinks it instead, she turns into a dragon, when she was assuming she'd become even MORE beautiful, MORE desired.

So if I had this magic potion, what would I become? Would I become a dragon? Spewing fire and frightening everyone around me? Would I become an ugly evil witch?! Would I become a beautiful butterfly? Who knows? I guess it's something to think about.. 

If you were you x 10.. what would you turn into? what would YOU be?

Holidays..

Spring Break 2004- Cruise to Eastern Carribean

Christmas 2008- Cruise to Western Carribean

Reading Week 2009- Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

Summer 2009 Trip- Cedar Point, Cleveland and NYC

Christmas 2009 Trip- Puerto Vallerta, Mexico 

Reading Week 2010- Panama

Summer 2010 Trip- Las Angeles, California

Winter 2011 Trip- 

Summer 2011 Trip- South Africa

Winter 2012 Trip- Cruise

Summer 2012 Trip- Backpacking through Europe

Trust- my story

I USED to have trust issues. Not to mention rejection issues that have stemmed from nothing but my own stupidity. I shall explain.

My mom married a man who had a 6 year old daughter. They had me. They divorced. He took my sister and I didn't see her again for 13 years. I haven't seen him since. a year and a half after he left, my mom met my dad. Seven months later they were married. He adopted me. The sperm donor did nothing to stop this. Which is fine, I mean- I've been blessed with the best Dad I could ever ask for- minus that crap last year of course, but who doesn't make mistakes?

Anyways, my parents had 3 more kids, and they were my sibs. I grew up with them, and know them. That's cool. But then my sperm donor went and got married to a woman who is only 3 years older than my sister (EW) who had a 4 year old daughter. He accepted her as part of their family and they had another little girl 3 years ago just a few days before my birthday. Now, that's fine with me. Everytime this happens, my sister calls and says "Good news! We have more organs for transplant on order!" This cracks me up. But that's not the point. Point is, he had 4 'daughters' introduced to his life. He chose them all but me. Which took me a long time to get over. 

I just have issues trusting anyone enough to let them get close. I have a few close friends, and I know a whole lot more about all my other friends than they know about me. I keep distanced so that I don't feel the need to divulge too much info about myself. Maybe I'm afraid of them using it against me. 

Trust is a brutal thing. Opening yourself up for hurt and disaster. I guess we can only hope that we are trusting the right ones. 

*note- these are past feelings.. I've gotten over all of this and am VERY grateful for the wonderful father I have now.. :) **

Trust..

Trust is
such a leap of faith...shown
Trust is
such a weary state...grown

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

I've put up with floods...cleansing me
i've put up with tragedy... teaching me
i've put up with hunger...you're not feeding me
i've put up with this shit
burdened on an already imperfect and troubled soul

Now i'm fed up
with it all
you make me and break me
give me and take from me
push me then pull me
damn me and love me
and all you ask for is...

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

-Zane Stott

I love this poem. Somebody I have great respect for wrote this, and it's just absolutely phenomenal. I just thought I'd share it with you :) Have a good day! 

If I could take my life to the computer repair guy...

Some days, I wonder at how much easier life would be if it could have an easy fix. Something is wrong.. you take it to someone.. like.. the computer repair guy.. 

"Excuse me sir?"

"Hello! How can I help you??" 

"Well, as you can see, my life is acting up again. I've run virus scans, tried specialists, I just don't understand what's wrong!"

"Well, why don't we take a closer look?? Aha! I see you're problem. Why don't you leave it with me tonight and you can pick it up first thing in the morning. I'll take care of everything. We'll get you fixed up in no time!"

See?! See how easy that would be?! You could have buttons and commands too! 

Restart- you could restart that day.

Memory/ Data Recovery- get back everything you've forgotten.

Virus Scan- would tell you exactly what is wrong with you!

Shut Down- would be very helpful on nights you can't get to sleep. 

SHIFT-TAB- would let you go back a little bit. 

SHIFT- would let you skip over a bit, which could be helpful in case of arguments, and such

Mute- OH! What I wouldn't give for a mute button. Shut myself up when I'm about to say something I'll regret, or shut everyone else up when I need some down time. 

Of course, then you run into issues with the CONTROL Q buttons :S. 

How epic would it be if we could just have our lives completely fixed and brought back to us? Where life wouldn't be so damn hard. 

I know. I wish.

But hey, a girl can dream right?

Hope Chest

After the accident, I really appreciate more. Yes, family and such, but also heirlooms and things that were my mothers. I have a quilt my great grandmother made, my grandmothers charm bracelet, various pieces of crystal, quilts, my great grandmothers red rose figurines, teacups that go back in our family etc. And no place to put them. I'm thinking of having a family chest made. That will go to my eldest daughter, and to her eldest and so on. But I was wondering what else I would put in this chest. 

Now I know I'm only 21, and having slightly morbid thoughts, but I think about what if I did get married, and had kids, and then passed away before seeing them through their childhood? What could I possibly leave behind as a momento of me? I know that I'm very young to be thinking of this, especially since children aren't even close to being in my near future. 

Even if nothing happens to me, wouldn't it be neat to have letters to my kids from my perspective now? Either way, if something happened to me, it'd be leaving a piece of myself, a way to be able to have my kids still know me, if anything were to happen. I think I'm going to do that. Write letters, give advice as I find it out for myself. I don't keep a journal, only my thoughts on here. So maybe this would be a good way of letting them know me better later on. Heaven knows I don't know that much about my mom's life before I came along. 

If nothing else, it'll be one more thing to add to the box of my family's past. 

Dreams.. Nightmares.. Sleep no more..

I've discussed my dreams here, and how usually I have lucid dreams. But lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I've been having horrible nightmares. Nightmares that terrorize me to the point of not wanting to close my eyes at night. Not dreams of monsters chasing me, but of not being able to save her. The situation changes every time. Drowning, fire, earthquake. In every case, I know what's going to happen, and I know that she's going to die. But I try to save her. And it seems that she gives up. And no matter what I do, I can't. I can't save her. No matter how I struggle and try, I never win. I understand what's happening and what's going to happen. But usually in my lucid dreams I can change the outcome. Not here. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep, I rest. I know there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. And I don't really understand why I'm having them. All I know is that they won't stop. 

I can dive deeper into the psychology of it. Maybe I feel responsible. Maybe I blame her. Maybe I think she didn't fight. Well, that's all bull. So seeing a counselor isn't gonna do anything for me. Talking it out isn't going to do anything other than bring up memories I'd sooner forget. 

I think I need a heavier dose of sleep meds. I think that'll clear this RIGHT up. :)

My Hometown.. A Walk down Memory Lane

So, I grew up in a small town.. figured I'd share a bit about it.. 

Below is the house I grew up in.. Has a lot of good memories.. I took these pics today, and I was horrified at how much of a dump it's become.. but.. such is life.. 

This was the school I went to in Kindergarten.. 

This was the variety store (the only one in town) that we used to go to to get penny candy, and ice cream.. plus all our movie rentals.. back then, there was noo lcbo

The horse stable I used to help out at .. 

Below is the fence which scraped me up multiple times. This is where I learnt to ride a bike.. :S .. and bled.. multiple times.. lol

In those trees, waay in back, the kids of Melbourne used to have a fort. We'd all meet up, and we'd rolled in old tires and such.. it was pretty sweet.. 

So.. that was my old town in pictures :) hope you enjoyed your stay.. cuz as much as I enjoyed my time there, thank God I got out when I did!!!

So! I met the Girlfriend.. in the flesh..

So, on Thursday I met Dad's new girlfriend Stacey. She actually was pretty awesome. My decision to not like her lasted all of three seconds when confronted face to face. I also met her four boys. They are pretty awesome as well. Which I'm more than a little surprised about. I was convinced that if I liked Stacey, the least I could do is NOT like her kids. That would give me more than enough reason to not condone this relationship. As it were, I had a great time! The oldest son and I got along really well, and we had quite a bit to talk about which was nice. And her kids are genuinely happy that she has someone that makes her happy.

Although, Dad and Stace act like they are in high school. Jumping all over one another, trying to take each other down, Ben (her son) and I would just grin and roll our eyes. It was good to see him happy with someone I actually approved of. Ya, thats right. Approved of. I never said I wasn't a bitch.

Anyways, jokes were flying all over the place when it was just me and her three oldest boys talking.

"Can you imagine if something serious happened between them (our parents)?? Von Trapp family singers part 2!"

"Jon & Kate plus 8 would have NOTHing on us!"

"We could have our own version of Yours Mine and Ours!!"

Oh man, it was some good times. I was glad that the boys weren't too young. And Stace wasn't all over BabyBoy. Although her boys are all in love with him. (Who can blame them? my lil man is amazing.) So all in all, thumbs up to my Dad. He'd be in real kaka if he'd picked another one I didn't approve of!

Dad's Newest GF??

So, Dad's got a new lady friend. 

As you know, I was SO not a fan of the last one, mostly because of the way it all happened, but that's over now. Now we have Stacey! Now, I don't exactly know the extent of their relationship. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and see each other enough considering she lives three hours away,  but you know what? I'm okay with it. I like Stacey. 

I like pro/con lists. So here goes. 

Pros-

1. She didn't come off as only interested in BabyBoy, which is a major plus. She woulda been SO outta there if she had. You wanna be a part of this family?! you take the WHOLE family. Suck it up.  
2. She's 2 years OLDER than Dad which is sooo much less weird than 15 years older than me. I don't want any frickin Gilmore Girls Loralei stepmom. Nuh uh. Not gonna happen. 
3. She's made a decision to keep in touch with all the kids. She facebooks, sends cards, talks on the phone. It seems like we aren't an inconvenience like it did with dad's last one. 
4. She's really sweet! At first I made the decision to not like her, pretty much cuz I'm a bitch, but dude, if you've talked to this woman, you can't not like her. It's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she's a frickin angel posing as a human. 

Cons-

1. She lives 3 hours away
2. She has 4 boys. FOUR! all younger than me.. Now I might be jumping the gun here.. But dude. If anything ever super happened between dad and her? I'd be toast. Seriously. I can't even handle one teenage brother. Oy.

Anywhoozle, I'm meeting her face to face next week. Wonder how that'll go. 

A Note to my Siblings.

To my beloved siblings.. without you, I'd have so much more time in my day to do so many more important things. 

I want to share an epiphany I've had with you. The dishwasher does not load itself. Leaving your dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher does not count as putting your dishes away. Laundry does not fold itself. If doing laundry implies mixing up which baskets are clean, and which ones are dirty, and then walking away, SUCCESS! The bathroom does not get cleaned by itself. Those hair products, toothpaste blobs and facial hair covering the countertop do not magically disappear!! Dinner does not cook itself. If you know of a fairy that makes dinner magically appear, why haven't you introduced us?! In the meantime, don't complain! You don't like it, don't eat! 

To my brother, if you think that the best way to be able to use my car is to piss me off completely, I'm afraid you are horribly mistaken! Treating me and the rest of the family like shit is not the best way to show off your obvious maturity. And please, when I tell you that you are grounded from it, it doesn't mean that you can take it anyways. Please, I beg you! try it. See how far you get before being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle. 

To my sisters, please. Try to keep the mood swings to a minimum. Keeping up with the two of you is giving me whiplash. Between a 13 year old who thinks she's 30 and a 16 year old who is prone to outbursts, there are some days I don't know how you are going to make it through the day! 

To my babyboy, you are so cute! I love you kiddo! 

Signed, 

Your Slave of a Sister, 

Mhea aka Cinderella 

Birthdays..

Well, yesterday was essentially rather uneventful. I cleaned in the morning, my Grama brought me lunch, some friends of my dad's came over to visit him in the aft, then we played 10 000, ate dinner, had melted ice cream cake (I'm SO sick of ice cream cake. I'm definitely more of an angel food cake kind of person), I opened my cards, looked at the messages from my last bday from my mom, bawled for four hours, and then fell asleep to Return to Me, which my mom and I used to watch together every year on my birthday. 

And, the waterworks start again. Geez. 

I hate birthdays. I cannot ever really remember a great one. For example.

21 bday- first bday without my mom- enough said.

20 bday- I was in Edmonton, in bed, recooping from my car accident, begging my mom to let me come home.

19 bday- Depression ruled- hid away from the world in my cave of a room in University

18 bday- My mom almost died in the hospital after complications from a surgery

And it keeps going. Bdays are highly overrated, and I would do well to remember that. I love other people's birthdays, mine just do not bring memories I want to keep reliving. 

How Lucky I Am..

So, I've been reflecting on today, the day on which I turn 21, the day where I'm a legal adult all over the world, on how lucky I am to have been born in a country like Canada. There are so many countries I could have been born in, so many families I could have been born into that wouldn't have given me even a fraction of the quality of life I've enjoyed these past 21 years. 

I could have been born in a third world country, where every day is a fight to live. Instead I enjoy unnecessary comforts and still sometimes am selfish enough to complain there isn't enough.

I could have been born in a country under a dictatorship, where rights are something of a myth. Instead I live in the land of the free, where I have the right to do as I wish, and express myself freely. 

I could have been born to a single mother, who works two jobs and sees us for an hour a day. Instead I was born to two loving parents, a mother that stayed at home to teach me the things that ultimately made me what I am today, and which will get me somewhere in life.

I could have been born to an abusive father, and spent my days hiding in a closet. Instead I was given an amazing father who actually chose me, and has been the best Dad I could ask for. 

I could have been born to a family that could not give me the same opportunities for my future. Instead, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities, with few limitations. 

So, on this day, my first birthday without my mother here, I'm attempting to be grateful for all of the blessings in my life. 

Recognizing a Blessing..

There are certain things in life I take for granted. Health, security, roof over my head. People are another thing I take for granted, that I really shouldn't. I've realized that there are certain people in life that touch you in a way you will never forget. 

Yesterday, I visited my old high school. I went to pick up my transcripts, since I am applying back to university for the fall. I try to go back once every three or four months, just to see old teachers and the chaplain, people I spent four years of my life with everyday, and became like family. Now, I'm not saying I had some weird relationship with all my teachers, nor did I go to a boarding school. I had my parents, and my sibs, but at that point in my life I feel like my family was more of an obligation than the people I depended on most. 

I was a floater in high school. I had 4 distinct, constant groups of friends. I wasn't the type of person to stay in one place for very long. The only thing that remained the same is that I was a Jr. TA in the Special Education classroom. Two wonderful ladies taught this class, and I got to know them very well. Especially Mrs. Roy. 

Mrs. Roy was about my mother's age. Her daughter graduated with me. She ran cheerleading, and wasn't afraid to tell you what she really thought. She was like a second mom to me. I talked to her about all my problems. I shared all my triumphs, joys. I told her about my crushes, about the drama I was dealing with in certain groups of friends. She is the one person that knew pretty much everything that was going on in my life. Everytime I see her, she gives me a hug, and holds on a few seconds extra, just to let me know she's there. When I say goodbye, she flashes me the sign language sign for I love you. I know that she cares. When I graduated, the only time is when she gave me a hug and told me how proud she was of me. She is a wonderful person, and I would not be who I am today without her. 

Dreams

Dreams are more real than reality itself, 

they're closer to the self. 

~Gao Xingjian

Dreams have always been a funny thing with me. When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare, where the huge monster dude from the 'Great Ewok Adventure', was chasing my friends and I, who were all apparently all girl scouts, through a terror stricken city. Hopping over debris, bolting through pipes, trying not to get eaten. I'd wake up in cold sweats, usually crying when I was really young. After a few years of having this dream, it started to change. I started to realize at the beginning of the dream what was happening, and started to lead my group. Then my sisters were suddenly apart of our girl scouts group, and the need to protect them was overwhelming. That's when I started to control my dreams.

I believe they are called lucid dreams. Pretty much, I was able to decide that it was MY dream so what I said goes. And that's what happened. Every dream I had, I was able to control the outcome.  My nightmares became comedies. 

But lately, since my mom was killed, I haven't been able to do that. Recurring dreams of the day I found out, seeing her lying in the coffin, my baby brother lying in his hospital bed with tubes sticking out all over him, looking so small. My baby brother looking at me in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. My heart breaks everytime. And I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can only watch, feeling utterly helpless.

I also dream about weird things. For instance, when we were in the DR, we met this couple from Newfoundland. The woman was about 46 I'd say, and just seemed like the ultimate woman. She was tanned, happy, smiling eyes, and full of advice. She was pretty awesome! So every few nights since then, if I need any advice on anything, she's there, we are at a lake where the lake is frozen over, but we are tanning on the beach, and she gives me advice on everything. Super weird. 

And when I don't think I can take the sad dreams anymore, there's a recurring dream of one of my closest friends from highs school. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in years, he comes over, sits down besides me, and holds me. Just saying 'I love you' over and over. And I've never felt so safe. 

So now I wonder what tonight will bring. 

The Real Me

I wrote a little bit here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings. 

I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares,  can get me in trouble sometimes. 

Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself. 

People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there! 

People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind. 

Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries. 

The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.

On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life.  What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.

I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself. 

An adult?! I'm not ready for this!

So.. It just hit me that in one week, I turn 21. A legal adult all over the world. I know, I'm just a baby. But I don't wanna get older! I feel like I haven't experienced my childhood completely yet!! I know, it's lame to complain, but all my friends are getting married, having babies, and I feel like we are just getting started! I wanna go back to when we all would make plans for trips, and wedding dates/ honeymoons/ babies didn't impede on our dreaming. I wanna go back to when we didn't have all the responsibilities of life. 

The only thing that makes everything okay is that we met  a woman in the DR who was from Newfoundland and told us that life BEGINS when you are 40. So, I guess 21 isn't too bad of a birthday.. I'm still slightly freaking out thou. See? I'm still a big baby. I'm not ready for this! Can I just skip my birthday? It can be like any other day! mm.. that could work! Forever 20.. interesting :P

Child vs. Adulthood

Childhood is wasted on the young, while adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

- Me!

I came up with this little revelation while watching 13 Going on 30 over at Lola's this weekend. It got me thinking about how ridiculous it is that we spend our entire life either wanting to be older, or wishing we could be younger again. 

Childhood is wasted on the young. 

I'm only 20, so I still probably don't know this to the same extent that the older generations do, but I definitely feel like youth today, including myself do not take advantage of the opportunities available to us. If I were able to go back and relive my life knowing what I know now, I'd do everything differently. Not to fix mistakes, but to live life to the fullest. Life is too short to just let it pass you by. I would have loved more, I wouldn't have dwelt in other people's mistakes/ decisions. 

Adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

Jaded. Motononous droning. Adjectives that describe a good many people's lives when they are older. They are all too worried about bills, jobs, politics, whatever to enjoy the freedom that comes with aduthood. Kids see life as what it is, a playground, however are roped in by adults. For their own protection of course. But we could take a lesson from them. When living life as a monotonous drone, what's the point? If your days all blend together, why bother? Children see the brilliance of a new day. The potential of a minute. Adults live by the ticking of a clock. Children live by moments of joy. 

Hola!

mmm.. I feel so spoiled! I just got back from my week at the Breezes Superclub in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. It was fantastic! I swam with dolphins, got tanned (in FEBRUARY!), met a kazillion people, and felt completely violated in every way! All in all, a very satisfying vacay. 

Oy.. someone should have warned us that two young women, alone, going to the DR is just a recipe for trouble. Between the bartenders, servers, the merchants in town, tour guides and bus drivers, we definately now know what a piece of meat feels like. 

We arrived on Friday, after a 6:30 am flight (ick), and pretty much chilled for the day. Saturday was spent by the pool, chilling with pina coladas and daquiris.. We also found out what a Dominican Double is. Its about 4 ounces of alcohol in a 6 ounce cup. Margueritas are bad news when made like this! That night was the Valentines day show. I'll post a video if I can figure it out of the games they were playing with couples.

Sunday we went to Sosua, where there was a 2 mile long flea market along the beach. It was pretty interesting.. Saw a lot of neat stuff.. got to drink a pina colada out of a pineapple which, was pretty much worth the trip. We were molested by the merchants, who wanted kisses and such in order for a cheaper price. A little sketchy. It was a pretty awesome day all around.. bought some pretty sweet souvenirs for my sibs. That night we went to the bar at the resort and got to know the bartenders. This pretty much set us up for awesome times for the rest of the week. 

Monday we went to Oceanworld, which is similar to Seaworld. We swam with dolphins, hugged them, kissed them, danced with them, fed them.. The kissing was the worst. I was tasting fish for a half hour.. pleasant. The dolphin, Chiquita stuck her tongue in one guy's mouth.. it was pretty nasty. We saw sea lions, birds, white tigers, stingrays, sharks, pirhanas, but the Dolphins were definately my fav. That night was interesting. After apparently one too many shots, we sorta agreed to go dancing in town with 2 of the bartenders in Sosua for Wednesday. Dirty Dancing 3 anyone? We had a hell of a time getting outta that.. A little too sketchy for my tastes! 

Tuesday we had another down day, pretty relaxing. It rained most of the day, so we sat in the hot tub, and took it all in. We met a cop from Jersey who pretty much was the most hilarious person I've ever met. 

Wednesday we went out on a catamaran. It was awful. Six hours on a boat and I was sick for 5 and a half of them. It was awful. I, along with half the rest of the boat were leaning over a flipping bucket for the day. Terrible. That night we took it easy and went to bed early as to avoid running into anyone we didn't want to see. 

Thursday was our last down day. We chilled, relaxed, and just enjoyed the last of the sun. That night we took it pretty easy as well.

Friday we came home.. a very sad day.. Leaving the land I love. I'd definitely recommend the resort. It was fabulous. 

Ok, I promised myself I'd sketch out our week, and I did, so now I have to go get my life in order. Talk soon! 

Ahhhh! One decision down, a million more to go!

Well! I have applied back to university! :D Pending acceptance, I'll be taking a social work program! I'm slightly excited, slightly hyper-ventilating. I am the worlds GREATEST procrastinator. I can sit here and think of a million reasons why I should put off writing this post, and am actually writing this post to procrastinate so I don't have to clean my room. Look at this blog for instance! I write almost everyday for months, and then write MAYBE every week or so. I don't put the effort into things I should. I start things off with gusto, all good intentions of getting things done in a timely manner!.. and then.. the real Mhea comes back, and things get put off and forgotten for ridiculous amounts of time. And I really don't know how to change. I'm a professional procrastinator. I've been my whole life. And now I have to go back where there are books, essays, lectures, notes, group projects.. great.. and now I'm talking myself  OUT of going. Bah. I just wanted to let you, the blogosphere community know that I, Mhea, am taking the INITIATIVE -ya, I do that sometimes- to move ahead. I am returning to school *tear*. Hopefully it goes better than it did last time :S. Peace! 

Confident? pah! Confused? abso-freekin-lutely!!

Living with my family in a little black hole in the middle of nowhere (I call it a black hole as it seems to suck all friends, fun and life in general out of me), I only see my friends on rare, random occasions. However, they all have a view of me. The same view as the newspapers took, and somehow every 'outsider' (anyone who isn't immediate family) takes. They all think I'm so confident. Confident. Me. Confident. WHAT?! They really don't know me at all. Everything I do I totally play out in my head to make sure nothing could go wrong. I'm second guessing everything I say and do. For some reason, they see me as a headstrong young woman who is 'going places'. Funny, when I look in the mirror I see a very confused young woman who doesn't know where she's going, with no self-confidence. I'm forever terrified of someone putting me down, because I do it enough to myself. Believe me! I don't need any help! I don't understand how people look at me, and see the complete opposite of what I feel. 

Not to mention that just LIVING in my parents house, I constantly feel like Im 12 years old. All. The. Time. Like I'm supposed to be growing up, getting older, moving on, and I can't. I'm trapped in this world where I'm forever an immature kid. 

That being said, I have decided to go back to university!! As of this september, I will once again become a full time student at one of our amazing Canadian Institutes of learning :D I'm going to become.. a Social worker!! :D I'm excited, but we'll see how it goes.. Last time it didn't go over so hot. Hopefully, this time it'll work out! :D 

Ah well, right now I'm concentrating on my February trip to the Dominican Republic with my bestie Lola :D Have a good one all! 

Impressed..

High school.. something I experience over and over again when I go out on weekends to local the local bar/ club. In general, that aspect of going out is not something I enjoy. I'm not a fan of running into people I haven't seen since high school, and in all honesty, didn't really care to see ever again. However, thats besides the point. 

In high school, as always, there were cliques. You got the Jocks, the Nerds, the 'Outcasts' (self- proclaimed), the Goths, the floaters.. and the Puck bunnies, or Gap girls as we called them. The jocks are the ones I'm going to discuss.

The jocks were the hockey players that seemed to coast through life on the coattails of people like me.  People as they deem 'smart' and could use to their advantage.. and like every other non- gap girl in the school that they chose, I allowed it. I was annoyed about it, but, glad to be accepted by the more 'popular' group. 

I graduated high school, glad to be rid of them forever. They went on to play in the CHL. I moved on to university. Then, on Saturday night, I saw one of them. The first I've seen since graduation. And he apologized. He apologized for everything. And he apologized that his friends were such pricks as well.. I was pleasantly surprised! and amazed.. and confused. But also impressed.

Not many people would take the initiative or time to go out of their way to apologize for something that happened so many years ago. And it's amazing how much animosity I was feeling for those boys. And it's amazing how those two words, 'I'm sorry' has taken it all away.. I've decided that there are a few advantages to growing up I suppose... 

Tales from the Maid of Honour.. Part 1

My entire weekend consisted of weddings. Not the weddings themselves, but books, websites, stores etc. Now, before everyone goes :O what?! you?! really?! no. I'm not getting married. Thank God. I'm a maid of honour this summer, and have at least 5 other friends getting married as well in July. Not cool. Apparently I'm in that age group where the cool thing to do is all get engaged at the same time.. fun. 

But I digress. So. The bride-to-be has no clue what she wants, and told me it's all up to me so some friends and I go to the bridal store to get some ideas for bridesmaid dresses. I am SO not a dress kind of girl so imagine my distress when I realize I have to decide between strapless straight, strapless sweetheart, halter, spaghetti strap, etc. And then length! Cocktail? Tea? Long? or how about the cut? an overlay? crinolin? (or however you spell the damn thing) what material? heavier? lighter? full skirt? holy crap. 

I used my friends as models, throwing multiple dresses at them to try on, while I took pics .. :D  I think I know what I want now, which is awesome. But I came to a few realizations/ guidelines when buying a bridesmaid's dress...

1) The day is all about the bride. DON'T pick some over the top frilly, attention grabbing dress that's going to take the focus off her. I am going for something simple, sleek, and will compliment her dress. 

2) DONT go with any colour thats too light. We were looking at pictures of weddings, and in some cases, you can't tell where the bride's dress ends, and the bridesmaids dresses begin. I think a stark difference is required. Again, it's all about the bride. 

Bah. I have another 6 months of this stuff just for this wedding, and every time I turn around, someone else is getting engaged. Yikes. Be expecting a lot of ranting about weddings and preparations in the coming months. Sorry.. but at least I'm giving you advanced warning! :D 

Dearest Blog...

I know.. this is long over due.. No.. I haven't forgotten you... I just.. am at that point in my life. where all my thoughts, dreams and aspirations are in a jumble in my head.. and I'm having issues writing it all down.. I'll be back.. I promise.. I just need a little more time.. I just need to find my muse.. and I shall, my sweet friend.. I will.. 

Pics from my Cruise

This christmas, we decided to take a cruise in the carribean to get away from the whole being at home business.. it would be too hard. So, we packed our bags and headed to the carribean! We boarded Saturday, at sea sunday, pulled into Mexico on Monday, Day at sea on tuesday, Wednesday in Grand Cayman, Thursday (Christmas) in Jamaica, Friday a day at sea and saturday we were back in Miami!  

 I love this picture.. the shadows and such just worked so well!! 

The piano bar on the ship.. where we spent many a night, and many a drink with lots of fun new friends.. Belting out Margaritaville, attempting Bohemian Rhapsody.. Good times.. Good times..

This was in Mexico.. I took a pic of the neat store.. and until I put them on the computer, I didn't realize how scary those clouds were! 

Wicked awesome truck.. Definately came back with enough rum to sink a ship.. mmmm!!

"wastin away again in Margaritaville!".. Enough said!

THAT is my 63 year old grandmother parasailing. Yup.. my grama.. up there! 

Ooh.. a view I miss terribly!! :(

In Mexico, we got a taxi to a nearby beach, where we had some drinks, played in the sand and slept the day away in the beautiful sun. That night we went shopping. In Grand Cayman, we shopped the day away! We had margaritas in Margaritaville.. It was wonderful. In Jamaica, my grandma and BabyBoy and I hired a taxi to drive us around just seeing the island. We met the 'spice doctor', a man who taught us about all the spices and herbs on the island.. which was pretty neat.. and then, of course, shopping!! 

I'll add more pics later.. maybe some videos too.. but I promised these, so here they are! :D