Madamoiselle Me at your service..

Ever since I was little, I've been that person. That person who listens to everyone about everything. That person who knows what's going on with everyone's lives. That person who will go to the grave with anything you've told me. 

I've been that person that will listen and nod, give a hug and a smile. 

I've been that person who doesn't judge, doesn't get fed up with people's repetitive bullshit. 

A few examples. Young man I worked with when I was 15, just lost his mom 2 or 3 months earlier. When it happened, he clammed up and wouldn't talk to anyone. At all. We are sitting there in the sandbox playing with the 2 and 3 year olds and he starts telling me the whole story about how he found his mother dead. I had no clue WHAT to say. So, I didn't say anything.. I just let him talk.. Well, this apparently opened the door for his sister to tell me her side of the story.. And from there.. it just continued. 

I had so many girls in high school asking for me and my mom's help when they thought they were pregnant. I'd be called out of class to peer mediate group issues. 

That's what kind of girl I've been. The one that is always here to listen. And just smile. But I'm sick of the same girls thinking they are pregnant 4 times in 3 months and not learning their lesson. I'm sick of hearing the same sob story about the same guy who broke her heart 3 times but 'he's changed'. I'm sick of how utterly stupid people are. I don't know how to deal with them anymore without having a major freakout on their heads. I find myself pulling away from them all.

Patience is something I lack at the moment, and I don't know how to get more of. Maybe I just need to take a break from all of the crap in everyone else's lives.  

<3> Mhea

Hope Chest

After the accident, I really appreciate more. Yes, family and such, but also heirlooms and things that were my mothers. I have a quilt my great grandmother made, my grandmothers charm bracelet, various pieces of crystal, quilts, my great grandmothers red rose figurines, teacups that go back in our family etc. And no place to put them. I'm thinking of having a family chest made. That will go to my eldest daughter, and to her eldest and so on. But I was wondering what else I would put in this chest. 

Now I know I'm only 21, and having slightly morbid thoughts, but I think about what if I did get married, and had kids, and then passed away before seeing them through their childhood? What could I possibly leave behind as a momento of me? I know that I'm very young to be thinking of this, especially since children aren't even close to being in my near future. 

Even if nothing happens to me, wouldn't it be neat to have letters to my kids from my perspective now? Either way, if something happened to me, it'd be leaving a piece of myself, a way to be able to have my kids still know me, if anything were to happen. I think I'm going to do that. Write letters, give advice as I find it out for myself. I don't keep a journal, only my thoughts on here. So maybe this would be a good way of letting them know me better later on. Heaven knows I don't know that much about my mom's life before I came along. 

If nothing else, it'll be one more thing to add to the box of my family's past. 

How Lucky I Am..

So, I've been reflecting on today, the day on which I turn 21, the day where I'm a legal adult all over the world, on how lucky I am to have been born in a country like Canada. There are so many countries I could have been born in, so many families I could have been born into that wouldn't have given me even a fraction of the quality of life I've enjoyed these past 21 years. 

I could have been born in a third world country, where every day is a fight to live. Instead I enjoy unnecessary comforts and still sometimes am selfish enough to complain there isn't enough.

I could have been born in a country under a dictatorship, where rights are something of a myth. Instead I live in the land of the free, where I have the right to do as I wish, and express myself freely. 

I could have been born to a single mother, who works two jobs and sees us for an hour a day. Instead I was born to two loving parents, a mother that stayed at home to teach me the things that ultimately made me what I am today, and which will get me somewhere in life.

I could have been born to an abusive father, and spent my days hiding in a closet. Instead I was given an amazing father who actually chose me, and has been the best Dad I could ask for. 

I could have been born to a family that could not give me the same opportunities for my future. Instead, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities, with few limitations. 

So, on this day, my first birthday without my mother here, I'm attempting to be grateful for all of the blessings in my life. 

Confident? pah! Confused? abso-freekin-lutely!!

Living with my family in a little black hole in the middle of nowhere (I call it a black hole as it seems to suck all friends, fun and life in general out of me), I only see my friends on rare, random occasions. However, they all have a view of me. The same view as the newspapers took, and somehow every 'outsider' (anyone who isn't immediate family) takes. They all think I'm so confident. Confident. Me. Confident. WHAT?! They really don't know me at all. Everything I do I totally play out in my head to make sure nothing could go wrong. I'm second guessing everything I say and do. For some reason, they see me as a headstrong young woman who is 'going places'. Funny, when I look in the mirror I see a very confused young woman who doesn't know where she's going, with no self-confidence. I'm forever terrified of someone putting me down, because I do it enough to myself. Believe me! I don't need any help! I don't understand how people look at me, and see the complete opposite of what I feel. 

Not to mention that just LIVING in my parents house, I constantly feel like Im 12 years old. All. The. Time. Like I'm supposed to be growing up, getting older, moving on, and I can't. I'm trapped in this world where I'm forever an immature kid. 

That being said, I have decided to go back to university!! As of this september, I will once again become a full time student at one of our amazing Canadian Institutes of learning :D I'm going to become.. a Social worker!! :D I'm excited, but we'll see how it goes.. Last time it didn't go over so hot. Hopefully, this time it'll work out! :D 

Ah well, right now I'm concentrating on my February trip to the Dominican Republic with my bestie Lola :D Have a good one all! 

My Happily Ever After... On Hold??

me- "hello??"

voice- "Hello there Mhea! I hope you are doing well! This is your Happily Ever After calling, I just pulled your record and realized that you haven't really done anything to get to me in the past five months."

me- "Oh.. riighht.. Uhhh...?? I've been.. busy??"

My happily ever after- "I know. but don't forget about me.. I'm still waiting!"

me- "reaaalllyy."

So, my Dad thinks I'm putting my entire life on hold. He doesn't want me to stay in this little town and not move on with my life. But, let's look at my options. 

• Go back to school- to do what?! I still have no idea what to with my life. the only thing i can see myself being is a mom.  
• Go back to being a nanny- seems pretty stupid considering my little brother needs me here to be doing the same thing. 
• Move out and get a real job- pfffft

I can't think of anything else. Hmm. oh! wait.. this one's my favourite.. 

• Move to the Carribean and live my life drinking pina coladas sitting on the beach.

No? Fine. How about..

• Move to Kenya to help the kids in the orphanage we're building??

So this essentially does not leave me much choice to begin with. Now let's look at why I WANT to stay. 

• BabyBoy needs me! I'm the only one that understands his garble. I don't want him in daycare. He hearts me. I heart him.
• I'm a little terrified of leaving my family again. Look at what happened last time..

So now Dad wants to know if he should put BabyBoy in daycare next year. Now, there are a lot of things to consider in actually moving out and getting a life back. 

• friends. I'll actually see them more than once every 2 weeks.
• Going out.. more than once a month
• Independence 

Most of it has to do with other people. It gets very boring/ lonely living in the middle of nowhere. and I'm a VERY social person. Which is probably why I started this blog to begin with. If my family was living somewhere more populated, I would DEFINATELY be much happier. I moved from Edmonton (booming with people and fun) to the middle of nowhere (oh look! a truck went by.. well, there's my entertainment for the day!)

Ah well. I suppose I'll figure it out.. Tomorrow. :P

Mhea's Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

My car = my baby.

My baby was violated. Assaulted. Molested. Some idiots thought it would be a good idea to pop the lock from the passenger side window and then try to rewire her. Someone must have scared them off but they grabbed my GPS and hit the road. 

Allow me to explain how UNIMPRESSED I AM. Not to throw a pity party, but haven't I been through enough this year?! I don't want to deal with some tractor driving hicks that thought it would be fun to try to steal my radio and/or car!. and yes, thats who did it because that is the only kind of person who lives in a town like this. I've moved 1500 times.. (or at least 5).. I've quit 2 jobs, I've left an entire life behind. Lost a mother and all the family I was getting to know back in Edmonton, and now this?! WHAT did I do to deserve this shit?! 

I did nothing wrong!

When you've lied to me before

How do you expect me to believe anything you say about her?

When you've kept secrets,

No wonder I'm annoyed by the note I found.

You say it was old, 

You don't even know when it is from!

But how can I believe you?

And how can you get mad at me when I confront you?!

I did nothing wrong.

I have nothing to be sorry for.

Who is the person you can't imagine your life without?

This was a question on a 20SB discussion thread. And I have no idea how to answer. Eight months ago I would have said my mom. But I'm living it out now. And surviving.. somehow.

Then I think maybe BabyBoy, but there's no 100% certainty we'll get him for sure, since the adoption is still going through. And I've dealt with kids that were like siblings and part of the family, kids that I loved dearly, leaving. Being adopted by another family. Gut-wrenching pain. So, as usual, the one that isn't for sure staying drops off the list. 

The rest of my family? Well, I love them all dearly, but since Mom passed, I know that it'd be painful, and hard, but we'd get through it. 

And now, I wonder who it is I that I can't imagine my life without. Maybe my best friend. But I've said that about friends before, and I've always moved on. (sorry Jenn.. please don't hate me lol)

Does it make me cold-hearted if I say somewhat sadly that there is no one I can't imagine my life without? That losing mom made me lose all hope of having those that I love around me as life goes on. 

HBI- A Confuzzling Conundrum

**NOTE: I apologize in advance if this post insults anyone in anyway. That is not my intention at all. Then again, I judged people so much for so long, I guess I have no right really to ask for anything less. and if you want to read a good post about this topic thats less emotional click here lol

A conversation I had recently. 

Friend: I'm gay.

Me: That would explain a lot. 

Friend: Do you think I'm going to hell?

Wow. uhh. Wow. 

Me: I.. uh.. couldn't tell you..

Friend: I've tried so hard not to give in to it. And I've tried to like girls, but I just can't! 

Me: You don't have to justify yourself to me!

Friend: I know. But I pray everyday. For forgiveness. 

Bah. Poor guy. He can't even tell his family. Now let me give you my background.

I grew up in a Christian home that took in foster kids. Us bio kids were expected to be role models and good examples for the kids that came into our home. My mom and dad were also very set in what they believed and, as a result, I was the same. I believed that homosexuality was a sin, and, although you don't choose to be gay, you do have the choice to act on it. 

This was me all through high school. I was the top debater in my religion class. I could discuss it for hours. 

Don't get me wrong, we didn't go to any anti-homosexual rallies or anything. We were taught to accept them, but that what they were doing was wrong.

And then one day, I realized that I didn't know what I believed. I came up with some things that just seemed downright hypocritical.

1) Christianity teaches that God loves everyone, and that we are called to do the same. Last time I checked, homosexuals are people too.

2) The Bible says that God will judge. It's definately not my job. And I don't like other people judging me so what the hell kind of person would I be if I did it?!

3) The Bible says that all sins are equal. So if I lie, it's the same  as the guy who murders. So how hypocritical would it be to condemn another when I'm not perfect?

So, I decided that I was done with all that. I decided that I believed in God, and I try to be the best person I can be. But you don't have to be a self-righteous bitch about it. 

But then you have the whole family issue. If I told my dad how I felt about this, what would he say? Would he be hurt that I didn't continue on in the faith that they tried so hard to teach us through their lives?

Really though, what right do I have to tell someone they can't love someone?! It's a matter of the heart. And ever since my mom died, it's really hit me that you have to live your life to the fullest. Take advantage of every second you have, because you only live once. And who knows which second will be your last? 

'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.'

My wish is to live.

  

Please, let it not be so. let my life mean something. let what i do be of importance, and please, don't let me fade away into the bland background of the history of time.

Why is it that when life gives you lemons..

you make lemonade?! why not make a lemon merangue pie?! Why are we so stuck on safe and normal?!

For instance, when you go to a restaurant, and are looking at all the options, why is it that we always order a quasadilla, or a hamburger, which we've had numerous times before, instead of something new?! Is it because you just don't want to make the decision? Is it because it's safe, and you know you are going to like it so might as well? Is it because the linguini with shrimp and avacado is just not 'normal' enough to consider??

Why are we a people who thrive on what is safe? Why do I not go and, despite my fear of heights and falling fast, go bungee jumping? Just for the hell of it? Why don't I wake up and randomly take off for a few days with a couple girlfriends? Why am I so content to be so complacent?

And it's the same with everything in life. I'm scared of new things. Things that are unfamiliar seem just silly to try. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself as well. Because whether I like it or not, I know that my decisions are partially decided by the kind of people I surround myself with. If something is deemed as a waste of time in the collective, then I'm definately not going to do it.. no matter how much I want to..

ok.. I may be ranting just a bit here.. sorry about that.. probably not making much sense either.. ah well.. maybe I'll be like the surfing instructor in Forgetting Sarah Marshall; "When life gives you lemons, just say 'F*** the lemons,' and bail."

Terrified

*note* I wrote this on June 13..

Im terrified

of what comes next..

of coming home and not having mom here...

of having to face every holiday, and birthday, without her here..

of not having a phone call from her everyday...

of having decisions to make that I never even considered..

of what to tell my siblings when they ask 'why'?....

of allowing myself time to grieve...

of going to a place for the summer where I dont want to be...

of returning to a place in my life where I never thought I'd come back
to..

of people who I know I will want to bite their heads off..

of the responsibility I gladly take on.. but still frightens me...

of leaving my life in the west...

of rekindling old friendships...

of leaving friendships behind...

of who I'll become...

of change..


most of all...
of having to say goodbye...