My FTL List

Lola had a minor freakout at the name Bucket List, so we renamed it the Freedom To Live list. Tis a list that allows us to do whatever we want outside of expectations, labels, etc. A few things that are on our list include:

- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
- Something nerdy
- Something extreme
- Pottery
- Take a bartending course
- Road trip it to L.A.
- Trip to Africa


Then we decided to start a bucket list for in the future.

- See the seven wonders of the world.. This one comes from Lola.. I think she's nuts.. but hey! lol

It's a work in progress. With any luck, we'll be able to accomplish (most) of it.

Wow. I started this post over 2 years ago. I sat down to write out my New Year's Resolutions and here I am,  reading through old drafts of posts long forgotten.  Well, need it be said that one of my NYR is to blog more?

I find that in my busy life, things I love to do get set aside. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I love the flow of words, the picture they can paint, and I love that my thoughts become clearer as I see them typed out on the screen in front of me. Life makes more sense in print. But that, my friends, is a topic for another time. 

So. My New Years Resolutions. Well, first let me give you my entire bucket list. Because somewhere in there lays who I am. And in 2013 I'd love to be able to figure that out.

So here it is: Mhea's FTL list. It's evolved, grown. I've included everything that has been on it since I was 12.

- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
- Something nerdy
- Something extreme
- Pottery
- Take a bartending course - COMPLETED Feb 2012
- Road trip it to L.A.
- Trip to Africa - COMPLETED Summer of 2010
- Swim with dolphins - COMPLETED Feb 2009
- Go wine tasting in Napa Valley
- Go for cooking lessons in Tuscany when I'm 35
- Be someone I'm not for a day
- Backpack through Europe
- Go to Vegas  - COMPLETED Feb 2012
- Take ballroom dancing lessons
- Go white water rafting - COMPLETED Feb 2004
- Visit the Grand Canyon
- Find the Charmed building in San Fransisco
- Get a tattoo - COMPLETED July 2012
- Visit Disneyland as an adult. No kids.
- Visit leaning tower of Pisa
- Learn to play chess
- Learn to play poker
- Take up calligraphy
- Renovate a house
- Make something out of clay
- Create something that will live on after I am gone
- Discover my life's purpose
- Learn to say 'no' without feeling guilty
- Make a difference in someone's life
- Join the Big Sister program
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen
- Write and publish a novel
- Be an extra in a film
- Sleep in a castle
- Create a coat of arms for my family
- See a platypus
- See gorillas in Uganda
- Hold a koala bear
- Watch turtles hatch and run to the ocean
- Have a bonsai tree
- Learn to forgive
- Learn to live in the now
- Go to a broadway show
- Go to Australia
- Go to Thailand
- Wear a dress with hoops

Alright. So I'm sure I'll add to it over the year. But as for my NYR?
- Get healthy
- Tick at least three things off my FTL list.
- Finish unpacking my house!
- Finish a couple quilts I've been working on
- Figure out what I'm doing in terms of work/ school
- WRITE MORE!

Well, I've been known to fall off the wagon. So I figure if I can start with small resolutions, I might have a chance of getting there.

Happy New Year's everyone!!

xoxo

My Obsession

The theater has always been a wonder to me. Growing up near Stratford, On, which is pretty well known for it's Shakespeare Festival Theater, I've always loved going to the fabulous plays they put on. My favourites thus far being The King and I and Oliver!. They do amazing musicals!



For the past few years, Christopher Plummer has been starring in a few of the plays, (for those of you who don't know, Christopher Plummer played Captain Von Trapp in the movie Sound of Music) and I cannot wait to see him onstage!


There's something about musicals that just make me so happy. I can't stop smiling, and the tunes are stuck in my head for weeks! Then I buy the soundtrack, movie, and whatever else I can get my hands on! I've always dreamed of getting up on stage and performing, however have never attempted it. I have the greatest respect for actors. I've heard that the reason the characters start singing is because they've reached such an emotional state of being that words just aren't enough, and clearly hearing the words in song is a bazillion times better!

Below I've posted two videos from youtube. Both are written and performed by the same group, StarKid, a bunch of graduated Michigan College kids. I've only put on Act One Scene One from each play, but I think you'll get the idea.

The first one is a musical they wrote called a Very Potter Musical. I was a bit skeptical at first, since I wasn't really a Harry Potter fan, however they changed it all up and made it absolutely hilarious!





The second video is from a play they wrote called 'Me and My Dick'. OMG. Hilarious! How people think this stuff up is beyond me! They wrote the entire musical themselves. Like I said, this is just A1S1, and it just gets more and more hilarious as it goes on!



Essentially, what it comes down to is my intense love and obsession with all things musical. The story, the emotion, the intensity. I heart it all!

My Enemy

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy. 

I sabotage the best things in my life

In fear of the worst. 

I refuse to get hurt

By anyone, ever.

If I think there's that chance,

It's goodbye forever.

I will not cry

Over anyone or thing.

I'll stay strong for me

It's all I can do

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy. 

Angel girl

Halo..

I never promised you a ray of light  

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday  

I'll give you everything I have  The good the bad...  

Why do you put me on a pedestal?  

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below  

So help me down, you've got it wrong  

I don't belong there  

[Chorus]  

One thing is clear  

I wear a halo  

I wear a halo when you look at me  

But standing from here  

You wouldn't say so  

You wouldn't say so if you were me  

I always said that I would make mistakes  

I'm only human and that's my saving grace  

I fall as hard as I try  

So don't be blinded  

See me as I really am  

I have flaws and sometimes I even sin  

So pull me from that pedestal,

I don't belong there  One thing is clear  

I wear a halo  

I wear a halo when you look at me  

but standing from here  

you wouldn't say so... 

Madamoiselle Me at your service..

Ever since I was little, I've been that person. That person who listens to everyone about everything. That person who knows what's going on with everyone's lives. That person who will go to the grave with anything you've told me. 

I've been that person that will listen and nod, give a hug and a smile. 

I've been that person who doesn't judge, doesn't get fed up with people's repetitive bullshit. 

A few examples. Young man I worked with when I was 15, just lost his mom 2 or 3 months earlier. When it happened, he clammed up and wouldn't talk to anyone. At all. We are sitting there in the sandbox playing with the 2 and 3 year olds and he starts telling me the whole story about how he found his mother dead. I had no clue WHAT to say. So, I didn't say anything.. I just let him talk.. Well, this apparently opened the door for his sister to tell me her side of the story.. And from there.. it just continued. 

I had so many girls in high school asking for me and my mom's help when they thought they were pregnant. I'd be called out of class to peer mediate group issues. 

That's what kind of girl I've been. The one that is always here to listen. And just smile. But I'm sick of the same girls thinking they are pregnant 4 times in 3 months and not learning their lesson. I'm sick of hearing the same sob story about the same guy who broke her heart 3 times but 'he's changed'. I'm sick of how utterly stupid people are. I don't know how to deal with them anymore without having a major freakout on their heads. I find myself pulling away from them all.

Patience is something I lack at the moment, and I don't know how to get more of. Maybe I just need to take a break from all of the crap in everyone else's lives.  

<3> Mhea

Trust- my story

I USED to have trust issues. Not to mention rejection issues that have stemmed from nothing but my own stupidity. I shall explain.

My mom married a man who had a 6 year old daughter. They had me. They divorced. He took my sister and I didn't see her again for 13 years. I haven't seen him since. a year and a half after he left, my mom met my dad. Seven months later they were married. He adopted me. The sperm donor did nothing to stop this. Which is fine, I mean- I've been blessed with the best Dad I could ever ask for- minus that crap last year of course, but who doesn't make mistakes?

Anyways, my parents had 3 more kids, and they were my sibs. I grew up with them, and know them. That's cool. But then my sperm donor went and got married to a woman who is only 3 years older than my sister (EW) who had a 4 year old daughter. He accepted her as part of their family and they had another little girl 3 years ago just a few days before my birthday. Now, that's fine with me. Everytime this happens, my sister calls and says "Good news! We have more organs for transplant on order!" This cracks me up. But that's not the point. Point is, he had 4 'daughters' introduced to his life. He chose them all but me. Which took me a long time to get over. 

I just have issues trusting anyone enough to let them get close. I have a few close friends, and I know a whole lot more about all my other friends than they know about me. I keep distanced so that I don't feel the need to divulge too much info about myself. Maybe I'm afraid of them using it against me. 

Trust is a brutal thing. Opening yourself up for hurt and disaster. I guess we can only hope that we are trusting the right ones. 

*note- these are past feelings.. I've gotten over all of this and am VERY grateful for the wonderful father I have now.. :) **

Dreams.. Nightmares.. Sleep no more..

I've discussed my dreams here, and how usually I have lucid dreams. But lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I've been having horrible nightmares. Nightmares that terrorize me to the point of not wanting to close my eyes at night. Not dreams of monsters chasing me, but of not being able to save her. The situation changes every time. Drowning, fire, earthquake. In every case, I know what's going to happen, and I know that she's going to die. But I try to save her. And it seems that she gives up. And no matter what I do, I can't. I can't save her. No matter how I struggle and try, I never win. I understand what's happening and what's going to happen. But usually in my lucid dreams I can change the outcome. Not here. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep, I rest. I know there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. And I don't really understand why I'm having them. All I know is that they won't stop. 

I can dive deeper into the psychology of it. Maybe I feel responsible. Maybe I blame her. Maybe I think she didn't fight. Well, that's all bull. So seeing a counselor isn't gonna do anything for me. Talking it out isn't going to do anything other than bring up memories I'd sooner forget. 

I think I need a heavier dose of sleep meds. I think that'll clear this RIGHT up. :)

So! I met the Girlfriend.. in the flesh..

So, on Thursday I met Dad's new girlfriend Stacey. She actually was pretty awesome. My decision to not like her lasted all of three seconds when confronted face to face. I also met her four boys. They are pretty awesome as well. Which I'm more than a little surprised about. I was convinced that if I liked Stacey, the least I could do is NOT like her kids. That would give me more than enough reason to not condone this relationship. As it were, I had a great time! The oldest son and I got along really well, and we had quite a bit to talk about which was nice. And her kids are genuinely happy that she has someone that makes her happy.

Although, Dad and Stace act like they are in high school. Jumping all over one another, trying to take each other down, Ben (her son) and I would just grin and roll our eyes. It was good to see him happy with someone I actually approved of. Ya, thats right. Approved of. I never said I wasn't a bitch.

Anyways, jokes were flying all over the place when it was just me and her three oldest boys talking.

"Can you imagine if something serious happened between them (our parents)?? Von Trapp family singers part 2!"

"Jon & Kate plus 8 would have NOTHing on us!"

"We could have our own version of Yours Mine and Ours!!"

Oh man, it was some good times. I was glad that the boys weren't too young. And Stace wasn't all over BabyBoy. Although her boys are all in love with him. (Who can blame them? my lil man is amazing.) So all in all, thumbs up to my Dad. He'd be in real kaka if he'd picked another one I didn't approve of!

The Real Me

I wrote a little bit here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings. 

I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares,  can get me in trouble sometimes. 

Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself. 

People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there! 

People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind. 

Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries. 

The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.

On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life.  What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.

I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself. 

An adult?! I'm not ready for this!

So.. It just hit me that in one week, I turn 21. A legal adult all over the world. I know, I'm just a baby. But I don't wanna get older! I feel like I haven't experienced my childhood completely yet!! I know, it's lame to complain, but all my friends are getting married, having babies, and I feel like we are just getting started! I wanna go back to when we all would make plans for trips, and wedding dates/ honeymoons/ babies didn't impede on our dreaming. I wanna go back to when we didn't have all the responsibilities of life. 

The only thing that makes everything okay is that we met  a woman in the DR who was from Newfoundland and told us that life BEGINS when you are 40. So, I guess 21 isn't too bad of a birthday.. I'm still slightly freaking out thou. See? I'm still a big baby. I'm not ready for this! Can I just skip my birthday? It can be like any other day! mm.. that could work! Forever 20.. interesting :P

You asked for it.. part 1

Is there anything you regret/ enjoyed about taking in foster kids? Can you remember them all? Are there any that stick out in your memory? 

Oh man, well.. I'll start with the positive. I enjoyed having kids around that were from all different backgrounds.. and hearing their stories.. There was always that day, with each of the kids, that they would just open up and tell you their story. Usually that was a sign that they had accepted me. 

The regret one and most memorable would probably be the same.. perhaps because of the regret. A boy I went to high school with, one that I didn't hang out with.. who was the one who did drugs, and was class clown. Mom called me one day in math class asking who "that boy in the police cruiser the other day" was. When I said his name, (we'll call him Josh) she immediately dismissed it, figuring him no good for the family. I convinced her otherwise, knowing he was a good guy deep down, and maybe my parents could straighten him out a bit. 

It was a weird time. I was 16, and the eldest of 6 teens, ranging from 13-16 living in my house. I had to help enforce rules ie) no girls in boys rooms, no boys in girls, since the foster kids sometimes took to crushing on one another. On one occasion, Josh decided to swear at me.. in front of my 7 year old sister. I did not take to this kindly. I found out later he'd been bringing drugs into my house as well, although my entire family suffered from asthma. Either way, I pretty much spazzed at him.. and left the house.. saying I wanted him gone before I got home from school.. and he was. Eighteen months later I found out he'd pulled a gun on his roommate for money.. and I keep thinking that maybe if I'd been more patient, allowed him to stay just a little longer.. maybe he'd been different. I try to be a little more forgiving of people now.

One of the hardest things to do, is to make sure to be inclusive. To make it so it's not our family, and then the foster kids. The foster kids always went on family trips, outings.. were always very welcome. It was hard at times to not pull the whole "its MY house. so EFF YOU!" thing on them. I wanted to sometimes! 

And I definately CANNOT remember them all.. I could probably remember about 40.. maybe. 

How far into college are you? What is your major? 

ah ha! the question.. I'll have to give you the full story.. *inhaling deeply*

So, in September of 2006, I began my first year of university. I was in Waterloo, going through for sociology.. figuring on becoming a social worker or counsellor.. then it struck.. I was in my room, in the dark for about 2 months before being diagnosed with depression, and having my record exponged. Basically.. I know have to decide what I want to do, and then go back.. I really don't know. I might go to Kenya and end up staying there.. who knows?! 

Any love in your life besides baby boy? 

umm.. not at the moment.. I'm not really in the right place to be meeting anyone right now. I'm just kind of content to be..  plus, I've met maybe 6 new ppl in the last 6 months lol.. so no... BabyBoy is the only one that holds this heart! 

How many other kids are you raising? How many kids all together. 

Mm.. well.. at the moment? the rest of the kids are old enough that they don't need the same type of care that BabyBoy does.. I have 4 brothers and sisters though. My brothers, J (17) and BabyBoy (19 months), and sisters M (16) and O (12). (but thats not counting all the foster kids we've had over the years)

Is your dad still dating? 

He says he's not.. And she definately has not been calling.. and he's not on the phone very much.. and no more trips to Ottawa.. so I don't think so.. :S

Are you a neat-freak?

Uhh. I wish I could say yes.. but I'm really not. My room looks like it's been hit with a tsunami, tornado, and hurricane all at the same time. BUT.. I only keep my room like that.. the main areas ( the areas I share with people I live with) are always kept clean. 

Any movies you can watch over and over?

Return to Me, Anastasia, the Labyrinth 

Do you sing?/ Play any musical instruments?

Um.. I sing.. ish.. I did a lot of school plays growing up.. thats about the extent of it. oh! and when I was a nanny last year, my employer got his own concert when I thought he was out and singing his daughter to sleep.. lol..  I play the piano, the flute, guitar, however I can play any musical instrument I put my mind to really.. I play by ear.. which is pretty neat.. 

Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?

This is embarassing. Yes. But it was friendS, and they were ladybugs.. Ya.. I don't know.. weird.

Do you wear pjs anywhere other than in your house?

BAH hahahhaa.. where DON'T I wear my pajamas to?! I get it from my mom. We even wore pjs to her memorial. But really they are scrubs sooo.. they look more normal than regular pjs. 

Do you have any phobias?

oh man.. ok.. I'm deathly afraid of the dark, under my bed (Apparently I'm two. I know.), spiders, Santa Claus and clowns. 

Ever come close to death?

Twice. When I was a baby, I nearly died because of how bad my asthma was, and last year when I was in my car accident. 

Friend you have known the longest?

hmm.. Hannah S.

Sweet/ sour??

Sweet?

Are you usually late, right on time, or early?

lol.. depends.. rarely early.. usually on time.. sometimes late.. usually late when meeting friends.. usually on time for appointments. 

Something or someone you miss most from childhood?

hard one. probably being able to dream without having to be reasonable.. 

What makes you smile?

Friends.. BabyBoy.. A good book.. A romantic gesture.. A kind word.. 

What activities make you lose track of time?

Reading books, blogs (like Sandi's.. or David's... its too good.. ) you tube videos.. lol.. daydreaming..

Favourite Alcoholic Beverage..

Porn Star.. no.. white freezie.. no. alabama slamma.. oh.. I dont know.. I like em all.. 

My Happily Ever After... On Hold??

me- "hello??"

voice- "Hello there Mhea! I hope you are doing well! This is your Happily Ever After calling, I just pulled your record and realized that you haven't really done anything to get to me in the past five months."

me- "Oh.. riighht.. Uhhh...?? I've been.. busy??"

My happily ever after- "I know. but don't forget about me.. I'm still waiting!"

me- "reaaalllyy."

So, my Dad thinks I'm putting my entire life on hold. He doesn't want me to stay in this little town and not move on with my life. But, let's look at my options. 

• Go back to school- to do what?! I still have no idea what to with my life. the only thing i can see myself being is a mom.  
• Go back to being a nanny- seems pretty stupid considering my little brother needs me here to be doing the same thing. 
• Move out and get a real job- pfffft

I can't think of anything else. Hmm. oh! wait.. this one's my favourite.. 

• Move to the Carribean and live my life drinking pina coladas sitting on the beach.

No? Fine. How about..

• Move to Kenya to help the kids in the orphanage we're building??

So this essentially does not leave me much choice to begin with. Now let's look at why I WANT to stay. 

• BabyBoy needs me! I'm the only one that understands his garble. I don't want him in daycare. He hearts me. I heart him.
• I'm a little terrified of leaving my family again. Look at what happened last time..

So now Dad wants to know if he should put BabyBoy in daycare next year. Now, there are a lot of things to consider in actually moving out and getting a life back. 

• friends. I'll actually see them more than once every 2 weeks.
• Going out.. more than once a month
• Independence 

Most of it has to do with other people. It gets very boring/ lonely living in the middle of nowhere. and I'm a VERY social person. Which is probably why I started this blog to begin with. If my family was living somewhere more populated, I would DEFINATELY be much happier. I moved from Edmonton (booming with people and fun) to the middle of nowhere (oh look! a truck went by.. well, there's my entertainment for the day!)

Ah well. I suppose I'll figure it out.. Tomorrow. :P

Jinxed.

Alright. I am now going to explain to you EXACTLY why I'm jinxed. There isn't much that goes right in my life.

April 2007- diagnosed with depression. My entire year at university is botched. I drop out.

August 2007- lost my job. moved to edmonton.

February 2008- in a HUGE accident. Van is a write off and lucky to be alive.

May 2008- mom is killed in car accident. enough said.

November 2008- car broken into. one week later, my brother takes my car over a stop sign. Gutted the underside of my car. 

especially this last year has been mighty shitty. 

There is more. Much more, but I'm busy and frustrated. As I remember, I will add.

101 Things About Me- in progress- up to 51!

1. I still love getting up on saturday mornings and watching cartoons.

2. I love to go dancing

3. I want to learn ballroom dancing

4. I've been a sister to over 150 kids

5. I can't sleep with socks on

6. Bananas make my eyes itch

7. I like scrambled eggs. The thought of runny yoke is nasty for me!

8. I like being picky! about whatever I want! like I only like presidents choice white cheddar Mac and cheese! No others!

9. I don't overly enjoy tenting. Id rather be in my parents trailer where I am not sleeping on rocks, or with spiders and bugs. Ill still go, and I won't complain, but I just don't enjoy it!

10. I hate hummers, they remind me of lego.

11. Tim hortons and starbucks suck ever since I found second cup

12. I almost never get angry, only when someone hurts one of my friends and family, I'm overprotective

13. I would help out a friend at any cost.

14. I have an eye for matchmaking. I keep my ears open, and watch quietly, and I am fairly intuitive. "dr love ;)"

15. I hate it when people feel embarassed.. I try to discourage that as much as possible..

16. I cant talk. I accredit this lovely little thing to the fact that I learned half the words I know by reading.

17. I always make up words.. I love it.. if you dont.. you'll have to get over it..

18. If you ever need to talk, I'm always available... anytime.

19. I am not angry at the man who killed my mom

20. I am more mad at my dad who started dating 10 weeks after my mom died.

21. I wish I lived in the carribean. I am not meant for cold weather!

22. I can't remember the last time I had a great birthday

23. I like feeling needed

24. I nearly ran away three times while growing up. Usually on my birthday

25. I slept through two classes in the library in high school when I was on T3 from surgery

26. I only forged one note in high school to get out of class- and got caught.

27. I apparently don't know how to say 'no'. I agree to help everyone with everything and burn myself out.

28. People have always thought I was older than I am

29. When I was 12, people thought my younger brother and sister were mine.

30. I know everything that's going on with my friends, even if they aren't the ones to tell me.. so I sometimes wait to see how long it takes them to tell me themselves.. Usually doesn't take long.

31. In my first accident, I backed into a phone booth.

32. In the second one, I slammed into a transport. (I really am a better driver than it seems!)

33. Sometimes I get a little roadrage.

34. I hate taking care of ppl when they are intoxicated, however I still do it everytime.

35. I picked up my brother from a commencement party (which had the whole school there) in my pajamas :D

36. I want to visit Rwanda, Thailand, and Australia. Hawaii seems a little unattainable.

37. I don't really like my dad's current gf.. I'm worried she's going to hurt him. 

38. A guy once wrote me a letter that told me I was the "wood of his burning fire" (whatever that's supposed to mean)

39. Everyone called me 'mom' in university

40. I love being taken care of

41. I love cuddling

42. I am terrified of the dark

43. I like to name inanimate objects like my gps, car, phone etc.

44. I don't like the consistency of yogurt

45. I need feedback on everything I do

46. I've only ever broke 2 bones.. and they were fingers so pretty minor all things considering

47. My favourite colours are blue, silver, and black

48. I can pick up almost any musical instrument and figure it out.. and pay a short tune in almost no time at all.. 

49. I love to collect quotes. 

50. I don't think I'll ever like any of my dad's gfs.. not until they are a friend and then more. 

51. I only wrote number 37 because I'm pretty sure my dad is reading this. 

In those books

I grew up in a fairy tale. I grew up in the pages of the books I read. Let me explain.

I started school early. When I was three years old. I loved it! I learned to read very early and that was my passion. At recess, I'd be swinging, reading a book, going down the slide, reading a book. Walking, reading a book. Some of the girls used to tease me because I couldn't go for a day without reading. At night, my parents would give me a time limit, and I'd always go past. Then they'd hit that horrid little red button on the electrical outlet in the bathroom that would cut all power to my room. 

Not only did I read a lot, but I read super fast. I'd finish books in a matter of a couple hours. This was my life. And I loved it. 

I loved becoming part of the story. Feeling the emotions, going to other places, escaping from everyday life. Books like the Narnia series, Nancy Drew, the Trixie Beldin books, Sweet Valley High, Roald Dahl, all books and authors that were part of the world I lived in.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't one of those kids who had no friends, that the only friend they have are the characters in the book? nope! I had plenty of friends, it's just that my imagination worked overtime. 

Oh! and I learned to talk through my books. I learned new words everyday! And I knew them in context, however i couldn't say half of them. and I mispronounce words alll the time.. People used to make fun of me (my family mostly lol) and so I just don't even try to pronounce words that I'm 100% sure of. 

So, I still read (when I can), however I now enjoy writing.. So.. I may start throwing some of my old stuff up here.. 

But for now.. BabyBoy is calling my name.. 

The Child Inside

I'm going to be very honest with you.. I still feel like I'm 12. With the addition of bills and taxes. 

Somebody once told me that there is no age where suddenly you feel like an adult. There's no transition where suddenly you feel that you are all grown up, ready to face the world. I had a moment where I felt flippin old when some kid bumped into me at the mall, and then said *to me* "sorry lady!" *to his friends* "old people!" (rolling his eyes). OLD people?! my friend and I just looked at each other. 

I still love the kid stuff. I love going to the store with friends to buy penny candy for the hell of it. Watching cartoons. Re-reading books I read as a kid.. maybe it's me trying to relive the 'old' days.. maybe it's time to realize that it's time I moved on.. 

Terrified

*note* I wrote this on June 13..

Im terrified

of what comes next..

of coming home and not having mom here...

of having to face every holiday, and birthday, without her here..

of not having a phone call from her everyday...

of having decisions to make that I never even considered..

of what to tell my siblings when they ask 'why'?....

of allowing myself time to grieve...

of going to a place for the summer where I dont want to be...

of returning to a place in my life where I never thought I'd come back
to..

of people who I know I will want to bite their heads off..

of the responsibility I gladly take on.. but still frightens me...

of leaving my life in the west...

of rekindling old friendships...

of leaving friendships behind...

of who I'll become...

of change..


most of all...
of having to say goodbye...

Getting nowhere fast

*ring!!*


'hello?'


'hey! this is your life calling!! not to bother you but do you have any idea as to when you'll have time to get back to me?'


'right!! hang on, let me get my calender.. ah! here it is.. mmhmm.. mmhmm.. ya.. this year isn't good for me.. and next year isn't looking great either.. how bout I pencil you in in September 2010?? I'll talk to you then! Bye!'


As you grow up, you entertain ideas of what you want to be when you are older. A mom, ballerina, teacher, author, social worker. That was pretty much my line of thought growing up.

But then reality sets in. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I've always worked with kids, and I absolutely love it, so teaching would make sense. However there is a massive number of unemployed teachers in our province. I thought maybe social work, but then I'd want to slug every parent who doesn't treat their kids right, and the bigwigs who de cide what's 'best' for the kids in care.


And I tried a General BA at university, but after 8 months of it, I still had no idea what I wanted to do, and all I had to show for it was a huge debt and anti-depressants. yay.


So then I decided to become a nanny. Which I did! I moved away from home, got a great job, and had a great time doing it. But obviously I couldn't do that for the rest of my life! When my mom died, I moved home to stay home with the BabyBoy, and here I am.


Now I have no qualms about being here. I'm happy to be here, I certainly still have no idea what I want to be, so why not? But that's the problem. I feel like life is going so fast. Which, I know it really isn't so since I'm only 20, but almost all my friends are either married, engaged, getting engaged, hardcore into their schooling, got steady jobs, etc. And I really am none of the above. I'm just kind of... existing.


So where do I go from here? Life is moving.. I guess it's about time I hop on board.

God missed the Memo

*note: I wrote this on June 11, and since I don't have anything really to write about today, I thought I'd post this*

Life. fragile. fleeting. too short.

on friday may 30, I got a call from my dad that ended my life as I knew it. My mom had been killed in a car accident, and my baby brother was in a coma in the hospital. I was in Edmonton, over 3000 kms from my family.

This isnt how it was supposed to be. My mom was vibrant, kind, and a pain in my butt. I suppose cuz we are so alike.. we fought all the time.. she was supposed to live to be 115, with all of us going, "geez woman.. would you go already?!" and still poking her nose into our lives. 

But God missed the memo.

I flew home on the red eye that nite. In the process, I lost my cell phone, and a piece of luggage. I stopped at the hospital to see the baby. He was unconscious, was bruised, with all these tubes poking out of him. he'd been through so much already, I just wanted to pick him up and hold him.. but all I could do was hold his hand and cry. 

He was supposed to be home with us, with my mom, making us all smile.. trying to grab the phone when mom put me on speakerphone with him, doing his signs for please and up and more, and just being a baby.

But God missed the memo.

I came home, and my house was, as usual, full.. except this time with suffering and pain. A cloud hung over the house, and everyones faces. I went to my dad, and cried with him, holding him, telling him we'd make it through, when I myself dont know how.

Dad should have been picking me up at the airport, bringing me home to a crazy busy house with everyone going everywhere at once, my mom holding everything together. I'd walk in the door, and hug each of the kids, and mom.. and we'd talk about the flight.. and how much I dont like Air Canada compared to WestJet..

But God missed the memo.

Then came memorial plans. My dad was not exactly ready to deal with all that.. so I started making plans. I arranged for the band, for the center. for the food. for the wine. I had to talk to OPP about the accident, and make decisions about what next.

I should have been arguing with mom about borrowing the car, and who was making dinner that night. I should have been planning nights out with friends, shopping in london, dinner with the gurls...

But God missed the memo.

Then we had to bury my mom. We said goodbye, and they lowered the casket. I'll never forget the sound..

I was waiting till the day I was old enough to call my mom by her first name when I was exasperated.. like she does with her mom.. 

I was waiting for the day that we'd live in the same town and have the kind of relationship where we'd go to each others houses for coffee.

I was waiting for the day that we'd make the transition to friends, instead of the mother-daughter stress.

I was waiting for the day that I'd get married, and mom would be there to tell me that my bra strap is sticking out.. 

I was waiting for the day that shed spoil my kids, and then send them home to me, like my grama did with us..

I was waiting for the day we'd both be at FH, me with my kids in a trailer with hubby, and mom down the circle, waiting for her grandkids to come over for a hug.. and junk food that I dont allow before dinner.

I was waiting for the day that I could sing her my part of the song...

and I'll continue waiting...

Because God didnt get my memo...

Now I move home, and pack up my life in Edmonton, to help raise my baby brother, not as a mother mind you, but as a loving big sister. Its something that is hard, but something I want to do with all of my heart.. I now attempt to sorta step into my mothers shoes, and realize what big shoes they are. and as I do, I wonder... why?? why?? why did this happen? why to her? why to me? why to my family? 

Why didnt He get the memo??

matt asked me wasnt I excited to see where God was taking this?

my answer? I wish I didnt have to see where God was taking this. I wish my mom was here. I would give anything to have her back. 

I love you mom.. as for the rest of my life.. you know. Can you give Him the memo? 

its who I am

I don't know why it is.. But it is there. A feeling.. an ice covered rock forever lodged in my chest. 

I am embarrassed. I talk to push out memories that are in my head. Feelings, of being embarassed, of wanting to be completely invisible. Of things I've done, things I've said, things other people have said. Just complete stupidity. And they stay with me. Memories, they keep piling up. And I keep remembering. I can't let them go.

I fight to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. I laugh and make people feel better in awkward and uncomfortable situations. But it's not for their sake. It's for mine. Because I feel embarrassed when they are embarrassed.

I don't think its only embarrassment though. I think it's also rejection, guilt, incompetent. Half the time, I don't measure up to the expectations set for me. I can't. I try. and I fail. Again.

And maybe that is really what the feeling is. Failure. Failure to be all that I'm expected to be. Failure to keep others comfortable. Failure in general. 

I'm one of the few people I know who holds onto arguments, hurts, disappointments, grudges, and sense of self worthlessness longer than any other person... It sucks. 

I don't want to be this way. I want to turn my head and not care. But I can't. It's not who I am. I do care. No matter how many times I say I don't. That I'm okay. That it's alright. It's not.

I'm not.