why the need??

I was raised in a Christian home. I grew up with the mindset of most Christians. The shallow, religious Sunday School answers, and not really diving fully into what my faith really means. When my mom was killed, well, even before that when I was diagnosed with depression, I started questioning. I stopped going to church for quite awhile, and just became numb to the whole thing.

Fellow 'Christians' became drama seekers, and a pain in my ass. They all want the inside scoop, and would judge and gossip about my family and I. Not something I want to deal with.

Lately I've begun going back to church and to a Bible Study to make people around me know that I'm not a heathen, and am trying to make an effort. But it pisses me off! These little brats sit there all high and mighty judging me, yet not questioning their own faith.

Yesterday I was told that the definition of sin is the nature of humans. I fully disagree. I believe that sin is a word, thought or action which would be in opposition with what God wants.

I was also told that a certain percentage is destined for Heaven, and the rest for Hell. I personally think that is bullshit. I believe that if you are 'good' in your deeds, and aren't loving towards people, you judge and discriminate, then you aren't exactly following God's laws either!

Last week I was told that all things can be done through prayer if you just believe. And if it doesn't work, you don't really believe. Bahhhhh...

Then they had 15 minutes for prayer time. Well, I'm sorry but God and I are on a break, we really aren't speaking at the moment. So don't ask me too pray for the group/ in front of the group/ with the group. Trust me. I have my reasons, and they are pretty damn good ones too.

I don't know if I can continue attending! It frustrates me to no end! If we disagree with something, they just throw out another Bible verse, that has nothing to do with the situation, time period etc.

They like picking apart every word of the Bible when it has been translated from another language, one that has twice as many words than the english language. Grrrrrrrr...

"The greatest turnoff to christianity everywhere is christians themselves." - my favourite quote on the matter.

Ok, I'm off to work. Have a good one all :)

<3> Mhea

Trust- my story

I USED to have trust issues. Not to mention rejection issues that have stemmed from nothing but my own stupidity. I shall explain.

My mom married a man who had a 6 year old daughter. They had me. They divorced. He took my sister and I didn't see her again for 13 years. I haven't seen him since. a year and a half after he left, my mom met my dad. Seven months later they were married. He adopted me. The sperm donor did nothing to stop this. Which is fine, I mean- I've been blessed with the best Dad I could ever ask for- minus that crap last year of course, but who doesn't make mistakes?

Anyways, my parents had 3 more kids, and they were my sibs. I grew up with them, and know them. That's cool. But then my sperm donor went and got married to a woman who is only 3 years older than my sister (EW) who had a 4 year old daughter. He accepted her as part of their family and they had another little girl 3 years ago just a few days before my birthday. Now, that's fine with me. Everytime this happens, my sister calls and says "Good news! We have more organs for transplant on order!" This cracks me up. But that's not the point. Point is, he had 4 'daughters' introduced to his life. He chose them all but me. Which took me a long time to get over. 

I just have issues trusting anyone enough to let them get close. I have a few close friends, and I know a whole lot more about all my other friends than they know about me. I keep distanced so that I don't feel the need to divulge too much info about myself. Maybe I'm afraid of them using it against me. 

Trust is a brutal thing. Opening yourself up for hurt and disaster. I guess we can only hope that we are trusting the right ones. 

*note- these are past feelings.. I've gotten over all of this and am VERY grateful for the wonderful father I have now.. :) **

So! I met the Girlfriend.. in the flesh..

So, on Thursday I met Dad's new girlfriend Stacey. She actually was pretty awesome. My decision to not like her lasted all of three seconds when confronted face to face. I also met her four boys. They are pretty awesome as well. Which I'm more than a little surprised about. I was convinced that if I liked Stacey, the least I could do is NOT like her kids. That would give me more than enough reason to not condone this relationship. As it were, I had a great time! The oldest son and I got along really well, and we had quite a bit to talk about which was nice. And her kids are genuinely happy that she has someone that makes her happy.

Although, Dad and Stace act like they are in high school. Jumping all over one another, trying to take each other down, Ben (her son) and I would just grin and roll our eyes. It was good to see him happy with someone I actually approved of. Ya, thats right. Approved of. I never said I wasn't a bitch.

Anyways, jokes were flying all over the place when it was just me and her three oldest boys talking.

"Can you imagine if something serious happened between them (our parents)?? Von Trapp family singers part 2!"

"Jon & Kate plus 8 would have NOTHing on us!"

"We could have our own version of Yours Mine and Ours!!"

Oh man, it was some good times. I was glad that the boys weren't too young. And Stace wasn't all over BabyBoy. Although her boys are all in love with him. (Who can blame them? my lil man is amazing.) So all in all, thumbs up to my Dad. He'd be in real kaka if he'd picked another one I didn't approve of!

Dad's Newest GF??

So, Dad's got a new lady friend. 

As you know, I was SO not a fan of the last one, mostly because of the way it all happened, but that's over now. Now we have Stacey! Now, I don't exactly know the extent of their relationship. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and see each other enough considering she lives three hours away,  but you know what? I'm okay with it. I like Stacey. 

I like pro/con lists. So here goes. 

Pros-

1. She didn't come off as only interested in BabyBoy, which is a major plus. She woulda been SO outta there if she had. You wanna be a part of this family?! you take the WHOLE family. Suck it up.  
2. She's 2 years OLDER than Dad which is sooo much less weird than 15 years older than me. I don't want any frickin Gilmore Girls Loralei stepmom. Nuh uh. Not gonna happen. 
3. She's made a decision to keep in touch with all the kids. She facebooks, sends cards, talks on the phone. It seems like we aren't an inconvenience like it did with dad's last one. 
4. She's really sweet! At first I made the decision to not like her, pretty much cuz I'm a bitch, but dude, if you've talked to this woman, you can't not like her. It's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she's a frickin angel posing as a human. 

Cons-

1. She lives 3 hours away
2. She has 4 boys. FOUR! all younger than me.. Now I might be jumping the gun here.. But dude. If anything ever super happened between dad and her? I'd be toast. Seriously. I can't even handle one teenage brother. Oy.

Anywhoozle, I'm meeting her face to face next week. Wonder how that'll go. 

A Note to my Siblings.

To my beloved siblings.. without you, I'd have so much more time in my day to do so many more important things. 

I want to share an epiphany I've had with you. The dishwasher does not load itself. Leaving your dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher does not count as putting your dishes away. Laundry does not fold itself. If doing laundry implies mixing up which baskets are clean, and which ones are dirty, and then walking away, SUCCESS! The bathroom does not get cleaned by itself. Those hair products, toothpaste blobs and facial hair covering the countertop do not magically disappear!! Dinner does not cook itself. If you know of a fairy that makes dinner magically appear, why haven't you introduced us?! In the meantime, don't complain! You don't like it, don't eat! 

To my brother, if you think that the best way to be able to use my car is to piss me off completely, I'm afraid you are horribly mistaken! Treating me and the rest of the family like shit is not the best way to show off your obvious maturity. And please, when I tell you that you are grounded from it, it doesn't mean that you can take it anyways. Please, I beg you! try it. See how far you get before being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle. 

To my sisters, please. Try to keep the mood swings to a minimum. Keeping up with the two of you is giving me whiplash. Between a 13 year old who thinks she's 30 and a 16 year old who is prone to outbursts, there are some days I don't know how you are going to make it through the day! 

To my babyboy, you are so cute! I love you kiddo! 

Signed, 

Your Slave of a Sister, 

Mhea aka Cinderella 

A Whole New World

So I just got back from Ottawa, where I was being introduced to a whole new side of me.. Let's see if I can explain properly.

The dad I have now is not my biological father. He adopted me when I was 3 years old. He's also the only father I've ever known. When my mom married my sperm donor (SD), he came into the marriage with a six year old daughter named Shannon. When they split, Shannon and I didn't see each other again.

Until about four years ago. I came home from school, and my mom told me she had found Shannon. We've seen each other probably around 4 times since, both of us being very busy, and avid travelers. So, this weekend I went to Ottawa, to meet the aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

It was pretty awesome :D It's neat to know that I have an entire family that I never really knew about. The weekend was filled with Wii, peach schnapps, cherry pie, blueberry pancakes made of mostly blueberries, a cat named Pudge, 'brown guy', 'zing!', 'you don't know me!', shwarma, pizza with broccoli, 'paper planes' by m.i.a. and family dinners. Oh, and SOOO much expresso :S...

Growing up, we never had much extended family at all, and I'd kind of wondered about what they were all like. Turns out they are pretty awesome!.. I can't wait to go back, and continue to find out more about the relatives I never knew. 

Btw, please checkout this blog. And this website. Thanks!

The Gloom

It's everywhere. I can't get away from it. Every way I turn, it's there. Mocking me. 

I try to make it disappear. I smile, and it recedes. But then it's back, stronger than ever. 

I try to live with it, accepting it won't leave. But then the newly healed cracks in my heart return.

It's not me, you see, its the people around me. The people who walk around with the pain and hurt and emotion hanging over their head, for everyone to see. Take my dad for instance. After the Gloom entered our lives, he was a mess. Then, 10 weeks in, he gets a girlfriend. And everything is lollipops and rainbows. And then it becomes apparent that this probably has no future. And as soon as the Gloom had left, it returned. Now we return to days in bed, crying, randomly going out for the evening without telling us where he is, when he'll be home. 

Or my Grama, who lost her only daughter, and then freaks out at the Costco lady because mom's name is listed as a dependent on her card. She cries every time I see her. And I hate seeing that emotion. Because it makes me want to cry. 

And then there's my baby sister M, who has added the Gloom on top of everything she's going through as a 16 year old. Her smile fades quickly. She recedes to her room. Her comments/ responses are short and spiteful. 

Me? I've taken on a new look at things. I realize Mom is in a better place, and that the Gloom only has as much hold on me as I let it. I let things slide of my back that I wouldn't before. I am more patient than I was before the Gloom settled. 

Now, I do not EVER want a new 'mother'. And in a very selfish way I don't want Dad to get remarried for at least another 3 or 4 years.

I want it to leave. I want the Gloom to dissipate, and the cloud hovering over my house to be gone. 

I want to live. to move on. 

To never forget, but keep on living. 

Back Floats and Rumors

So, I took the baby swimming today, which was very enjoyable, I must admit. Apparently the baby thinks he is invincible. One of the exercises is to have the children stand on an underwater table, and attempt to walk. My baby figured he could do it all on his own and wouldn't take my help. So, he walked across the table, to the other side, and.... off the end. Of course,I was right there, and pulled him up sputtering and coughing. I guess he figured he'd get it the next time cuz he did it again. And again. And again. And each time took that last step over the edge. And yet, every single time without fail, he'd try again.. I love that little trooper.

This evening, my dad's possey of coworkers came over, and cooked us dinner *bonus!*, drank red wine, and laughed into the evening. I enjoy it when they come over, they are a hilarious down to earth bunch that are just awesome. Except for the one lady who's phone announced to the whole town every time she got a text message, which was more than any phone-addicted teen out there. (Her reasoning was that she got 1500 texts/month and was apparently convinced to use them all up in our living room, amongst the conversations. Rude much?!) But that's besides the point. 

Either way, rumors that have been spreading around my dad's work came out in the discussion. Mostly when all the females in the room started getting antsy when dad, after 2 hours, hadn't announced his engagement, (news to me!) his wedding at Thanksgiving (our only plans being a turkey and cranberry sauce?), and reasoning as to why we took down the realtors sign from our front line (which were never there to begin with). Wow. So the real world has rumors and drama as well!! Will we ever escape the feeling of high school?! Please say we will! 

ok, enough of all this! Privileged awaits me, and I have a busy day of shuttling kids to babysitting courses, my brother to his gf's, and moms and tots.. loverly.. have a good one!

I was born at least 100 years too late...

The events of this weekend have once again proved to me that I was born WAY too late. I think medieval times, or rennaisance would have been a better time period for me...

We left our quaint little town ( I say quaint as if it weren't just a blink-and-you-miss-it town) two hours before we were supposed to be arriving at the medieval times (www.medievaltimes.com), although we were three hours away. With my dad driving 120 in a 70, *shhh!* we met up with the 401 WAY ahead of schedule, however were confronted with a bumper to bumper gridlock of cars moving about 20 km/h. Argh. Then, the someone *shout out to my baby sister O* put the bottles upside down in the carrier, and milk spilt all over my black pants. Double argh. I then saw a sign that told me we were  an hour and a half away from our destination, and, looking at the clock, saw that we were supposed to be there in 45 minutes. Oy. Between all this, and a pain in the A$$ GPS lovingly called Bailey (that damn piece of..) Dad, through some very inventive and probably slightly illegal manuevering, got us there with six minutes to spare. Woot woot! Now the party can begin.

Dad dropped us off at the front door, and I hurried our little party in. I was so flustered trying to figure out tickets and  where people were that I nearly decked a poor 'surf' who came up to put a crown on my head, accompanied with the words "For you, my lady." After the other "ladies" and the "young squire" had been crowned, we were ushered in for pictures. Then we were seated. The Red Knight was to be our hero. It was really quite fun. The baby was clapping his hands, and engrossed in what was happening. 

So, dinner was served. Of course, no utensils, which is one good reason not to go there on a first date. The image of everyone attempting to eat soup, half a chicken, ribs, and potatoes with our hands were not the most attractive thing in the world, guaranteed. The baby was in his element. 

The service was great, the 'surfs' and 'wenches' went out of their way for all the guests in a way I've never seen before! The show was good, our Knight ended up being the one who was in love with the princess and saved the day. My baby sister O was chosen as the Red Knights "Queen of Love and Beauty", which was given to her by our crooked smiled, long haired knight. This had her smiling for the rest of the night. 

After about the second round of jousting, I was overcome with sleepiness. I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I can't lie, I was glad when it ended. We made our way to the hotel, where I had to share a king size bed (felt like a twin) with my two lil sisters. frig. Sleepless night anyone?

So today brought crappy weather, and so we decided to forgo the zoo, and instead made our way to Chuck. E. Cheese's, where we had pizza, played games, and exchanged our paper tickets for little knickknacks that no doubt are already in the garbage. Either way, it was a pretty good last few days.