God Missed the Memo

I've been looking over old writings of mine since New Years, and decided to recycle this one, being as I don't actually have time to write a post. I wrote this soon after my mom's accident. 

Life. fragile. fleeting. too short.
On Friday, May 30, I got a call from my dad that ended my life as I knew it. My mom had been killed in a car accident, and my baby brother was in a coma in the hospital. I was in Edmonton, over 3000 kms from my family.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. My mom was vibrant, kind, and a pain in my butt. I suppose because we are were so alike.. we fought all the time.. she was supposed to live to be 115, with all of us going, "geez woman.. would you go already?!" and still poking her nose into our lives.

But God missed the memo.

I flew home on the red eye that nite. In the process, I lost my cell phone, and a piece of luggage. I stopped at the hospital to see the baby. He was unconscious, was bruised, with all these tubes poking out of him. he'd been through so much already, I just wanted to pick him up and hold him.. but all I could do was hold his hand and cry.

He was supposed to be home with us, with my mom, making us all smile.. trying to grab the phone when mom put me on speakerphone with him, doing his signs for please and up and more, and just being a baby.

But God missed the memo.

I came home, and my house was, as usual, full.. except this time with suffering and pain. A cloud hung over the house, and everyone's faces. I went to my dad, and cried with him, holding him, telling him we'd make it through, when I myself don't know how.

Dad should have been picking me up at the airport, bringing me home to a crazy busy house with everyone going everywhere at once, my mom holding everything together. I'd walk in the door, and hug each of the kids, and mom.. and we'd talk about the flight.. and how much I don't like Air Canada compared to WestJet..

But God missed the memo.

Then came memorial plans. My dad was not exactly ready to deal with all that.. so I started making plans. I arranged for the band, for the center. for the food. for the wine. I had to talk to OPP about the accident, and make decisions about what next.

I should have been arguing with mom about borrowing the car, and who was making dinner that night. I should have been planning nights out with friends, shopping in London, dinner with the girls...

But God missed the memo.

Then we had to bury my mom. We said goodbye, and they lowered the casket. I'll never forget the sound..

I was waiting till the day I was old enough to call my mom "Ronalee" when I was exasperated.. like she does with her mom..

I was waiting for the day that we'd live in the same town and have the kind of relationship where we'd go to each others houses for coffee.

I was waiting for the day that we'd make the transition to friends, instead of the mother-daughter stress.

I was waiting for the day that I'd get married, and mom would be there to tell me that my bra strap is sticking out..

I was waiting for the day that shed spoil my kids, and then send them home to me, like my grama did with us..

I was waiting for the day we'd both be at FH, me with my kids in a trailer with hubby, and mom down the circle, waiting for her grandkids to come over for a hug.. and junk food that I don't allow before dinner.

I was waiting for the day that I could sing her my part of the song...

and I'll continue waiting...

Because God didn't get my memo...

Now I move home, and pack up my life in Edmonton, to help raise my baby brother, not as a mother mind you, but as a loving big sister. Its something that is hard, but something I want to do with all of my heart.. I now attempt to sorta step into my mothers shoes, and realize what big shoes they are. and as I do, I wonder... why?? why?? why did this happen? why to her? why to me? why to my family?

Why didn't He get the memo??
Matt asked me wasn't I excited to see where God was taking this?
My answer? I wish I didn't have to see where God was taking this. I wish my mom was here. I would give anything to have her back.

I love you mom.. as for the rest of my life.. you know. Can you give Him the memo?

Written Doodle

I was wondering earlier why it's so hard to sit down in front of my computer and find the inspiration to type something out? I can sit down with a pen and paper and after a ton of doodling it suddenly starts to flow. Words, strung together into something that makes sense, and sometimes can even possibly be thought of as beautiful.

Yet I sit down in front of this screen and draw a blank. Maybe my doodling is my form of getting the juices flowing. So I think I'll try a written doodle. I apologize in advance if this blog is just completely scatterbrained and illogical.

One of the things I'm looking hoping to accomplish this year is to figure out where to go from here. Where my life needs to head. As the name of my blog suggests, I'm constantly on the search for My Happily Ever After, which makes it sound like there's an endpoint. However in my head its moving. There's flow and movement to my ever after.

If you've been reading my blogs, or know me at all you'll know it's something I've been struggling with since I left university. I decide I'm going to go back to school, or do something else, but something always prevents me from going forward. I don't know where I'm meant to be, but I believe He is going to provide me with the answers when He is ready. Until that point I'll just continue looking towards Him and looking for the sign.

Ok I'm going to go off on a tangent. I mean, it's my written doodle so I guess it's my right to go off in another direction for a minute.

Signs from God. I feel like people expect a lot from God. I remember hearing this joke about a woman who prays every day that God will let her win the lottery. After a few months go by and she still hasn't won, she gets frustrated and asks God 'why?!'. God responds with 'You have to meet me halfway! You have to BUY a lottery ticket!'

Isn't that how a lot of us look at God? We ask for things, and blame Him if they don't come through, without trusting that He is simply going to do what is best for us, whether we like it or not at the time.

We are so quick to throw judgement at God. Why do bad things happen to good people? I went through a time after Mom's accident where the Gloom had total hold on me and I was just angry with God. A God that I had been taught about since I was young couldn't possibly allow such a terrible event to occur to such a good person. If that was what God was about, I wasn't interested. It wasn't until later that I let go of that anger, frustration and pain and accepted that it was out of my control, and trusted Him with it.

When we ask for things, we expect it to be hand delivered on a silver platter. We expect it to work out exactly how we expect/ want it to.

Granted, sometimes it does. I'll be the first to admit that I've had times in my life when I've been so sure of something, only to have God whack me in the forehead and remind me that He is God. That I am nothing without/ next to Him and I need to trust Him and stop leaning on myself.

We need to pay attention. I feel like God talks to us a lot, or tries to, but we are too busy. I know I get too busy with my work, tv, iPad, friends, facebook, etc. and a lot of the time put God on the back burner. And I know it's something I need to work on.

Okay tangent over.

So I don't know where I'm going to go next. I do know that there are a few things I would like to get into in the meantime. But maybe that is a post better left for tomorrow. Again, my apologies for my scattered post.

xoxo
Mhea

Always loved, Never forgotten.

One year holds so many things...

Smiles... Laughs... Problems... Solutions... Sunny Days.. Chilly Nights... Travelling.. Birthdays... Anniversaries.. Holidays...

So many things make up a year. So many things happen. And you don't realize how many little things you take for granted, until you lose someone close. You don't realize how much you miss the little conversations, the constant annoying msn messages and the consistant nose butting into our lives.

You don't realize how much changes, how much this single event, this one person leaving your everyday routine will change you. How when once you were patient, forgiving and open, you find yourself frustrated, angry and harsh. When the silliest reminders make you cry, and feel like your heart is breaking all over again.

One year. But seems like a million.

one year goes by too fast

Saturday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. Harsh to remember everything.  The fam and I went over to African Lion Safari. It's essentially a zoo you drive through. Lions come up to your car, Monkeys sit on your roof and side mirrors. You can ride an elephant. It's awesome. The GREATEST experience ever. BabyBoy had a blast, freaking out over all the animals. On the way, we picked up a backpack carrier for him, so he spent the day chilling in that on my back, and then my dad's. THE BEST creation of life. He loves it, I love it. It's wonderful. 

BabyBoy rode an elephant, he absolutely LOVED it. All in all, a good enough day all things considering. Maybe later I'll share some memories and such. For right now, BabyBoy needs some attention. 

<3> Mhea

Decisions Decisions! and christmas memoirs..

One of the hardest things about this first year after mom was killed is the whole what we should/ shouldn't do for holidays, birthdays and so on. For example, our big dilemma right now is whether or not we should decorate the house for Christmas. It was always mom's big holiday, she absolutely loved it. We'd have 2 trees. The one in the basement was upside down, hanging from the ceiling. Christmas decorations were everywhere, and the house smelt of cinnamon. One tree would be store bought decorations, the other would have all of our handmade ones from over the years. 

Our house would be blasting Christmas music from the beginning of November for as long as mom could keep it going. Christmas was always the same. Christmas Eve we'd open our Christmas Pajamas, and then hit the hay. Then, Christmas morning, sometimes at 3 AM, usually at 7, my baby sister would bounce into my room, waking me up. Then she'd go get our parents up, who would take FOREVER making coffee and setting up stockings. My dad would get out the video camera, and we'd stampede down the stairs. Then came the three hours of around the circle gift unwrapping, oohs! ahhs! a mountain of wrapping paper, CinnaBuns, and coffee with liquor.. Good times.. So now we must decide. Pain now? or pain later.

Who is the person you can't imagine your life without?

This was a question on a 20SB discussion thread. And I have no idea how to answer. Eight months ago I would have said my mom. But I'm living it out now. And surviving.. somehow.

Then I think maybe BabyBoy, but there's no 100% certainty we'll get him for sure, since the adoption is still going through. And I've dealt with kids that were like siblings and part of the family, kids that I loved dearly, leaving. Being adopted by another family. Gut-wrenching pain. So, as usual, the one that isn't for sure staying drops off the list. 

The rest of my family? Well, I love them all dearly, but since Mom passed, I know that it'd be painful, and hard, but we'd get through it. 

And now, I wonder who it is I that I can't imagine my life without. Maybe my best friend. But I've said that about friends before, and I've always moved on. (sorry Jenn.. please don't hate me lol)

Does it make me cold-hearted if I say somewhat sadly that there is no one I can't imagine my life without? That losing mom made me lose all hope of having those that I love around me as life goes on. 

A Whole New World

So I just got back from Ottawa, where I was being introduced to a whole new side of me.. Let's see if I can explain properly.

The dad I have now is not my biological father. He adopted me when I was 3 years old. He's also the only father I've ever known. When my mom married my sperm donor (SD), he came into the marriage with a six year old daughter named Shannon. When they split, Shannon and I didn't see each other again.

Until about four years ago. I came home from school, and my mom told me she had found Shannon. We've seen each other probably around 4 times since, both of us being very busy, and avid travelers. So, this weekend I went to Ottawa, to meet the aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

It was pretty awesome :D It's neat to know that I have an entire family that I never really knew about. The weekend was filled with Wii, peach schnapps, cherry pie, blueberry pancakes made of mostly blueberries, a cat named Pudge, 'brown guy', 'zing!', 'you don't know me!', shwarma, pizza with broccoli, 'paper planes' by m.i.a. and family dinners. Oh, and SOOO much expresso :S...

Growing up, we never had much extended family at all, and I'd kind of wondered about what they were all like. Turns out they are pretty awesome!.. I can't wait to go back, and continue to find out more about the relatives I never knew. 

Btw, please checkout this blog. And this website. Thanks!

The Gloom

It's everywhere. I can't get away from it. Every way I turn, it's there. Mocking me. 

I try to make it disappear. I smile, and it recedes. But then it's back, stronger than ever. 

I try to live with it, accepting it won't leave. But then the newly healed cracks in my heart return.

It's not me, you see, its the people around me. The people who walk around with the pain and hurt and emotion hanging over their head, for everyone to see. Take my dad for instance. After the Gloom entered our lives, he was a mess. Then, 10 weeks in, he gets a girlfriend. And everything is lollipops and rainbows. And then it becomes apparent that this probably has no future. And as soon as the Gloom had left, it returned. Now we return to days in bed, crying, randomly going out for the evening without telling us where he is, when he'll be home. 

Or my Grama, who lost her only daughter, and then freaks out at the Costco lady because mom's name is listed as a dependent on her card. She cries every time I see her. And I hate seeing that emotion. Because it makes me want to cry. 

And then there's my baby sister M, who has added the Gloom on top of everything she's going through as a 16 year old. Her smile fades quickly. She recedes to her room. Her comments/ responses are short and spiteful. 

Me? I've taken on a new look at things. I realize Mom is in a better place, and that the Gloom only has as much hold on me as I let it. I let things slide of my back that I wouldn't before. I am more patient than I was before the Gloom settled. 

Now, I do not EVER want a new 'mother'. And in a very selfish way I don't want Dad to get remarried for at least another 3 or 4 years.

I want it to leave. I want the Gloom to dissipate, and the cloud hovering over my house to be gone. 

I want to live. to move on. 

To never forget, but keep on living. 

Getting nowhere fast

*ring!!*


'hello?'


'hey! this is your life calling!! not to bother you but do you have any idea as to when you'll have time to get back to me?'


'right!! hang on, let me get my calender.. ah! here it is.. mmhmm.. mmhmm.. ya.. this year isn't good for me.. and next year isn't looking great either.. how bout I pencil you in in September 2010?? I'll talk to you then! Bye!'


As you grow up, you entertain ideas of what you want to be when you are older. A mom, ballerina, teacher, author, social worker. That was pretty much my line of thought growing up.

But then reality sets in. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I've always worked with kids, and I absolutely love it, so teaching would make sense. However there is a massive number of unemployed teachers in our province. I thought maybe social work, but then I'd want to slug every parent who doesn't treat their kids right, and the bigwigs who de cide what's 'best' for the kids in care.


And I tried a General BA at university, but after 8 months of it, I still had no idea what I wanted to do, and all I had to show for it was a huge debt and anti-depressants. yay.


So then I decided to become a nanny. Which I did! I moved away from home, got a great job, and had a great time doing it. But obviously I couldn't do that for the rest of my life! When my mom died, I moved home to stay home with the BabyBoy, and here I am.


Now I have no qualms about being here. I'm happy to be here, I certainly still have no idea what I want to be, so why not? But that's the problem. I feel like life is going so fast. Which, I know it really isn't so since I'm only 20, but almost all my friends are either married, engaged, getting engaged, hardcore into their schooling, got steady jobs, etc. And I really am none of the above. I'm just kind of... existing.


So where do I go from here? Life is moving.. I guess it's about time I hop on board.

Idiots behind the wheel.

You know how much I hate reading the newspaper, or watching the news. But a headline this morning reads 'Woman faces more charges in crash that claimed life of baby'.

 

Basically, a woman, who has been charged with impaired driving, collided with a car that held a mother and her three kids. The oldest two kids were sent home, but the mother and baby were transported to London hospital where the four month old baby died. 

This super pisses me off. People being idiots and not thinking.

My mom was on her way home in May when a truck driver slammed into our 15 passenger van, killing her instantly, and putting my baby brother into the hospital for two weeks with a skull fracture, in a coma for one. 

oh my god. I can't even finish this post. I'm shaking. I'm soo pissed off.  I'll finish what I want to say at a later date.