Dreams

Dreams are more real than reality itself, 

they're closer to the self. 

~Gao Xingjian

Dreams have always been a funny thing with me. When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare, where the huge monster dude from the 'Great Ewok Adventure', was chasing my friends and I, who were all apparently all girl scouts, through a terror stricken city. Hopping over debris, bolting through pipes, trying not to get eaten. I'd wake up in cold sweats, usually crying when I was really young. After a few years of having this dream, it started to change. I started to realize at the beginning of the dream what was happening, and started to lead my group. Then my sisters were suddenly apart of our girl scouts group, and the need to protect them was overwhelming. That's when I started to control my dreams.

I believe they are called lucid dreams. Pretty much, I was able to decide that it was MY dream so what I said goes. And that's what happened. Every dream I had, I was able to control the outcome.  My nightmares became comedies. 

But lately, since my mom was killed, I haven't been able to do that. Recurring dreams of the day I found out, seeing her lying in the coffin, my baby brother lying in his hospital bed with tubes sticking out all over him, looking so small. My baby brother looking at me in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. My heart breaks everytime. And I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can only watch, feeling utterly helpless.

I also dream about weird things. For instance, when we were in the DR, we met this couple from Newfoundland. The woman was about 46 I'd say, and just seemed like the ultimate woman. She was tanned, happy, smiling eyes, and full of advice. She was pretty awesome! So every few nights since then, if I need any advice on anything, she's there, we are at a lake where the lake is frozen over, but we are tanning on the beach, and she gives me advice on everything. Super weird. 

And when I don't think I can take the sad dreams anymore, there's a recurring dream of one of my closest friends from highs school. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in years, he comes over, sits down besides me, and holds me. Just saying 'I love you' over and over. And I've never felt so safe. 

So now I wonder what tonight will bring.