I am embarrassed. I talk to push out memories that are in my head. Feelings, of being embarassed, of wanting to be completely invisible. Of things I've done, things I've said, things other people have said. Just complete stupidity. And they stay with me. Memories, they keep piling up. And I keep remembering. I can't let them go.
I fight to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. I laugh and make people feel better in awkward and uncomfortable situations. But it's not for their sake. It's for mine. Because I feel embarrassed when they are embarrassed.
I don't think its only embarrassment though. I think it's also rejection, guilt, incompetent. Half the time, I don't measure up to the expectations set for me. I can't. I try. and I fail. Again.
And maybe that is really what the feeling is. Failure. Failure to be all that I'm expected to be. Failure to keep others comfortable. Failure in general.
I'm one of the few people I know who holds onto arguments, hurts, disappointments, grudges, and sense of self worthlessness longer than any other person... It sucks.
I don't want to be this way. I want to turn my head and not care. But I can't. It's not who I am. I do care. No matter how many times I say I don't. That I'm okay. That it's alright. It's not.
I'm not.
2 comments:
I feel you. I'm the same way. I overthink, I dwell, I obsess... and I can't stop myself. People who don't do this don't get it. They tell you to "Just stop." But you can't! There's no switch you can flip or button you can push. You can't just decide not to and actually not do it... you can just do it more quietly.
I know exactly how you feel.
Thank goodness for blogs, ey?
At least you get to be you here, without having to deal with the 'others'.
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