Trust..

Trust is
such a leap of faith...shown
Trust is
such a weary state...grown

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

I've put up with floods...cleansing me
i've put up with tragedy... teaching me
i've put up with hunger...you're not feeding me
i've put up with this shit
burdened on an already imperfect and troubled soul

Now i'm fed up
with it all
you make me and break me
give me and take from me
push me then pull me
damn me and love me
and all you ask for is...

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

-Zane Stott

I love this poem. Somebody I have great respect for wrote this, and it's just absolutely phenomenal. I just thought I'd share it with you :) Have a good day! 

If I could take my life to the computer repair guy...

Some days, I wonder at how much easier life would be if it could have an easy fix. Something is wrong.. you take it to someone.. like.. the computer repair guy.. 

"Excuse me sir?"

"Hello! How can I help you??" 

"Well, as you can see, my life is acting up again. I've run virus scans, tried specialists, I just don't understand what's wrong!"

"Well, why don't we take a closer look?? Aha! I see you're problem. Why don't you leave it with me tonight and you can pick it up first thing in the morning. I'll take care of everything. We'll get you fixed up in no time!"

See?! See how easy that would be?! You could have buttons and commands too! 

Restart- you could restart that day.

Memory/ Data Recovery- get back everything you've forgotten.

Virus Scan- would tell you exactly what is wrong with you!

Shut Down- would be very helpful on nights you can't get to sleep. 

SHIFT-TAB- would let you go back a little bit. 

SHIFT- would let you skip over a bit, which could be helpful in case of arguments, and such

Mute- OH! What I wouldn't give for a mute button. Shut myself up when I'm about to say something I'll regret, or shut everyone else up when I need some down time. 

Of course, then you run into issues with the CONTROL Q buttons :S. 

How epic would it be if we could just have our lives completely fixed and brought back to us? Where life wouldn't be so damn hard. 

I know. I wish.

But hey, a girl can dream right?

Hope Chest

After the accident, I really appreciate more. Yes, family and such, but also heirlooms and things that were my mothers. I have a quilt my great grandmother made, my grandmothers charm bracelet, various pieces of crystal, quilts, my great grandmothers red rose figurines, teacups that go back in our family etc. And no place to put them. I'm thinking of having a family chest made. That will go to my eldest daughter, and to her eldest and so on. But I was wondering what else I would put in this chest. 

Now I know I'm only 21, and having slightly morbid thoughts, but I think about what if I did get married, and had kids, and then passed away before seeing them through their childhood? What could I possibly leave behind as a momento of me? I know that I'm very young to be thinking of this, especially since children aren't even close to being in my near future. 

Even if nothing happens to me, wouldn't it be neat to have letters to my kids from my perspective now? Either way, if something happened to me, it'd be leaving a piece of myself, a way to be able to have my kids still know me, if anything were to happen. I think I'm going to do that. Write letters, give advice as I find it out for myself. I don't keep a journal, only my thoughts on here. So maybe this would be a good way of letting them know me better later on. Heaven knows I don't know that much about my mom's life before I came along. 

If nothing else, it'll be one more thing to add to the box of my family's past. 

Dreams.. Nightmares.. Sleep no more..

I've discussed my dreams here, and how usually I have lucid dreams. But lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I've been having horrible nightmares. Nightmares that terrorize me to the point of not wanting to close my eyes at night. Not dreams of monsters chasing me, but of not being able to save her. The situation changes every time. Drowning, fire, earthquake. In every case, I know what's going to happen, and I know that she's going to die. But I try to save her. And it seems that she gives up. And no matter what I do, I can't. I can't save her. No matter how I struggle and try, I never win. I understand what's happening and what's going to happen. But usually in my lucid dreams I can change the outcome. Not here. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep, I rest. I know there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. And I don't really understand why I'm having them. All I know is that they won't stop. 

I can dive deeper into the psychology of it. Maybe I feel responsible. Maybe I blame her. Maybe I think she didn't fight. Well, that's all bull. So seeing a counselor isn't gonna do anything for me. Talking it out isn't going to do anything other than bring up memories I'd sooner forget. 

I think I need a heavier dose of sleep meds. I think that'll clear this RIGHT up. :)

My Hometown.. A Walk down Memory Lane

So, I grew up in a small town.. figured I'd share a bit about it.. 

Below is the house I grew up in.. Has a lot of good memories.. I took these pics today, and I was horrified at how much of a dump it's become.. but.. such is life.. 

This was the school I went to in Kindergarten.. 

This was the variety store (the only one in town) that we used to go to to get penny candy, and ice cream.. plus all our movie rentals.. back then, there was noo lcbo

The horse stable I used to help out at .. 

Below is the fence which scraped me up multiple times. This is where I learnt to ride a bike.. :S .. and bled.. multiple times.. lol

In those trees, waay in back, the kids of Melbourne used to have a fort. We'd all meet up, and we'd rolled in old tires and such.. it was pretty sweet.. 

So.. that was my old town in pictures :) hope you enjoyed your stay.. cuz as much as I enjoyed my time there, thank God I got out when I did!!!

So! I met the Girlfriend.. in the flesh..

So, on Thursday I met Dad's new girlfriend Stacey. She actually was pretty awesome. My decision to not like her lasted all of three seconds when confronted face to face. I also met her four boys. They are pretty awesome as well. Which I'm more than a little surprised about. I was convinced that if I liked Stacey, the least I could do is NOT like her kids. That would give me more than enough reason to not condone this relationship. As it were, I had a great time! The oldest son and I got along really well, and we had quite a bit to talk about which was nice. And her kids are genuinely happy that she has someone that makes her happy.

Although, Dad and Stace act like they are in high school. Jumping all over one another, trying to take each other down, Ben (her son) and I would just grin and roll our eyes. It was good to see him happy with someone I actually approved of. Ya, thats right. Approved of. I never said I wasn't a bitch.

Anyways, jokes were flying all over the place when it was just me and her three oldest boys talking.

"Can you imagine if something serious happened between them (our parents)?? Von Trapp family singers part 2!"

"Jon & Kate plus 8 would have NOTHing on us!"

"We could have our own version of Yours Mine and Ours!!"

Oh man, it was some good times. I was glad that the boys weren't too young. And Stace wasn't all over BabyBoy. Although her boys are all in love with him. (Who can blame them? my lil man is amazing.) So all in all, thumbs up to my Dad. He'd be in real kaka if he'd picked another one I didn't approve of!

Dad's Newest GF??

So, Dad's got a new lady friend. 

As you know, I was SO not a fan of the last one, mostly because of the way it all happened, but that's over now. Now we have Stacey! Now, I don't exactly know the extent of their relationship. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and see each other enough considering she lives three hours away,  but you know what? I'm okay with it. I like Stacey. 

I like pro/con lists. So here goes. 

Pros-

1. She didn't come off as only interested in BabyBoy, which is a major plus. She woulda been SO outta there if she had. You wanna be a part of this family?! you take the WHOLE family. Suck it up.  
2. She's 2 years OLDER than Dad which is sooo much less weird than 15 years older than me. I don't want any frickin Gilmore Girls Loralei stepmom. Nuh uh. Not gonna happen. 
3. She's made a decision to keep in touch with all the kids. She facebooks, sends cards, talks on the phone. It seems like we aren't an inconvenience like it did with dad's last one. 
4. She's really sweet! At first I made the decision to not like her, pretty much cuz I'm a bitch, but dude, if you've talked to this woman, you can't not like her. It's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she's a frickin angel posing as a human. 

Cons-

1. She lives 3 hours away
2. She has 4 boys. FOUR! all younger than me.. Now I might be jumping the gun here.. But dude. If anything ever super happened between dad and her? I'd be toast. Seriously. I can't even handle one teenage brother. Oy.

Anywhoozle, I'm meeting her face to face next week. Wonder how that'll go. 

A Note to my Siblings.

To my beloved siblings.. without you, I'd have so much more time in my day to do so many more important things. 

I want to share an epiphany I've had with you. The dishwasher does not load itself. Leaving your dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher does not count as putting your dishes away. Laundry does not fold itself. If doing laundry implies mixing up which baskets are clean, and which ones are dirty, and then walking away, SUCCESS! The bathroom does not get cleaned by itself. Those hair products, toothpaste blobs and facial hair covering the countertop do not magically disappear!! Dinner does not cook itself. If you know of a fairy that makes dinner magically appear, why haven't you introduced us?! In the meantime, don't complain! You don't like it, don't eat! 

To my brother, if you think that the best way to be able to use my car is to piss me off completely, I'm afraid you are horribly mistaken! Treating me and the rest of the family like shit is not the best way to show off your obvious maturity. And please, when I tell you that you are grounded from it, it doesn't mean that you can take it anyways. Please, I beg you! try it. See how far you get before being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle. 

To my sisters, please. Try to keep the mood swings to a minimum. Keeping up with the two of you is giving me whiplash. Between a 13 year old who thinks she's 30 and a 16 year old who is prone to outbursts, there are some days I don't know how you are going to make it through the day! 

To my babyboy, you are so cute! I love you kiddo! 

Signed, 

Your Slave of a Sister, 

Mhea aka Cinderella 

Birthdays..

Well, yesterday was essentially rather uneventful. I cleaned in the morning, my Grama brought me lunch, some friends of my dad's came over to visit him in the aft, then we played 10 000, ate dinner, had melted ice cream cake (I'm SO sick of ice cream cake. I'm definitely more of an angel food cake kind of person), I opened my cards, looked at the messages from my last bday from my mom, bawled for four hours, and then fell asleep to Return to Me, which my mom and I used to watch together every year on my birthday. 

And, the waterworks start again. Geez. 

I hate birthdays. I cannot ever really remember a great one. For example.

21 bday- first bday without my mom- enough said.

20 bday- I was in Edmonton, in bed, recooping from my car accident, begging my mom to let me come home.

19 bday- Depression ruled- hid away from the world in my cave of a room in University

18 bday- My mom almost died in the hospital after complications from a surgery

And it keeps going. Bdays are highly overrated, and I would do well to remember that. I love other people's birthdays, mine just do not bring memories I want to keep reliving. 

How Lucky I Am..

So, I've been reflecting on today, the day on which I turn 21, the day where I'm a legal adult all over the world, on how lucky I am to have been born in a country like Canada. There are so many countries I could have been born in, so many families I could have been born into that wouldn't have given me even a fraction of the quality of life I've enjoyed these past 21 years. 

I could have been born in a third world country, where every day is a fight to live. Instead I enjoy unnecessary comforts and still sometimes am selfish enough to complain there isn't enough.

I could have been born in a country under a dictatorship, where rights are something of a myth. Instead I live in the land of the free, where I have the right to do as I wish, and express myself freely. 

I could have been born to a single mother, who works two jobs and sees us for an hour a day. Instead I was born to two loving parents, a mother that stayed at home to teach me the things that ultimately made me what I am today, and which will get me somewhere in life.

I could have been born to an abusive father, and spent my days hiding in a closet. Instead I was given an amazing father who actually chose me, and has been the best Dad I could ask for. 

I could have been born to a family that could not give me the same opportunities for my future. Instead, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities, with few limitations. 

So, on this day, my first birthday without my mother here, I'm attempting to be grateful for all of the blessings in my life.