Prisoner

Let's go on an adventure, let's just wave goodbye
Let's hit the ground running, and run 'til we die

The road is an open door waiting for me,
My life is so stagnant, what's out there to see?

I need a change, a hope, a cause
I need some time to realize the loss

I need to get moving get out of this rut
I can feel freedom calling, but the door's been shut

There are manacles that hold me here
A prisoner to my fear

God Missed the Memo

I've been looking over old writings of mine since New Years, and decided to recycle this one, being as I don't actually have time to write a post. I wrote this soon after my mom's accident. 

Life. fragile. fleeting. too short.
On Friday, May 30, I got a call from my dad that ended my life as I knew it. My mom had been killed in a car accident, and my baby brother was in a coma in the hospital. I was in Edmonton, over 3000 kms from my family.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. My mom was vibrant, kind, and a pain in my butt. I suppose because we are were so alike.. we fought all the time.. she was supposed to live to be 115, with all of us going, "geez woman.. would you go already?!" and still poking her nose into our lives.

But God missed the memo.

I flew home on the red eye that nite. In the process, I lost my cell phone, and a piece of luggage. I stopped at the hospital to see the baby. He was unconscious, was bruised, with all these tubes poking out of him. he'd been through so much already, I just wanted to pick him up and hold him.. but all I could do was hold his hand and cry.

He was supposed to be home with us, with my mom, making us all smile.. trying to grab the phone when mom put me on speakerphone with him, doing his signs for please and up and more, and just being a baby.

But God missed the memo.

I came home, and my house was, as usual, full.. except this time with suffering and pain. A cloud hung over the house, and everyone's faces. I went to my dad, and cried with him, holding him, telling him we'd make it through, when I myself don't know how.

Dad should have been picking me up at the airport, bringing me home to a crazy busy house with everyone going everywhere at once, my mom holding everything together. I'd walk in the door, and hug each of the kids, and mom.. and we'd talk about the flight.. and how much I don't like Air Canada compared to WestJet..

But God missed the memo.

Then came memorial plans. My dad was not exactly ready to deal with all that.. so I started making plans. I arranged for the band, for the center. for the food. for the wine. I had to talk to OPP about the accident, and make decisions about what next.

I should have been arguing with mom about borrowing the car, and who was making dinner that night. I should have been planning nights out with friends, shopping in London, dinner with the girls...

But God missed the memo.

Then we had to bury my mom. We said goodbye, and they lowered the casket. I'll never forget the sound..

I was waiting till the day I was old enough to call my mom "Ronalee" when I was exasperated.. like she does with her mom..

I was waiting for the day that we'd live in the same town and have the kind of relationship where we'd go to each others houses for coffee.

I was waiting for the day that we'd make the transition to friends, instead of the mother-daughter stress.

I was waiting for the day that I'd get married, and mom would be there to tell me that my bra strap is sticking out..

I was waiting for the day that shed spoil my kids, and then send them home to me, like my grama did with us..

I was waiting for the day we'd both be at FH, me with my kids in a trailer with hubby, and mom down the circle, waiting for her grandkids to come over for a hug.. and junk food that I don't allow before dinner.

I was waiting for the day that I could sing her my part of the song...

and I'll continue waiting...

Because God didn't get my memo...

Now I move home, and pack up my life in Edmonton, to help raise my baby brother, not as a mother mind you, but as a loving big sister. Its something that is hard, but something I want to do with all of my heart.. I now attempt to sorta step into my mothers shoes, and realize what big shoes they are. and as I do, I wonder... why?? why?? why did this happen? why to her? why to me? why to my family?

Why didn't He get the memo??
Matt asked me wasn't I excited to see where God was taking this?
My answer? I wish I didn't have to see where God was taking this. I wish my mom was here. I would give anything to have her back.

I love you mom.. as for the rest of my life.. you know. Can you give Him the memo?

Les Mis Love

I have a secret.

Okay, it's not really a secret. Considering I wrote a blog on the subject already.

I love musicals. However I don't think I can just call it love. It's an obsession. When I find out a musical is coming out on film I get excited. Then I see it in the theater, and I am so curious as to how they are going to portray each song, and I can't wait for the next song so I end up missing half the movie. So I go back and see it again. And again.

Case in point.  Les Mis.

This movie was phenomenal. The emotional intensity that comes when they do a musical is insane! This particular one even more so! Singing all of the songs live? That is an epic feat that they pulled off beautifully. 

I have this problem though. I see a musical and my heart is so full, and my head is full of lyrics and wonderful melodies. Then I can't remember all the words so I go to iTunes and buy the soundtrack, put it on repeat and bask in the greatness. Then a sadness comes. Almost a mourning. A desire to be a part of something so entirely epic, beautiful and pure. It is a feeling that cannot be put into words. It is a tugging on the heart, and an ache in the chest. That something so fantastic and wonderful is so far out of my reach. It is like the stages of grief. I know it will come with every musical. Well, every musical except Chicago.

Les Mis was everything I could have hoped for. The raw emotion and organic culmination of singing and acting was absolutely mind blowing. The entire score is so amazing, it's hard to narrow down to a favourite, so I picked my top two favourite songs. Click on the name for a youtube video of the song.

A Little Fall of Rain performed by Samantha Barks and Eddie Redmayne
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables performed by Eddie Redmayne

Both of these songs are wrought with such pure emotion I found several times through my day as I was listening/ singing along that I was brought to tears by both of these songs. Keep in mind that I do not cry easily.

The lyrics and meaning of a Little Fall of Rain break my heart! It takes place after Eponine, who is in love with Marius, who is in love with Cosette, literally takes a bullet for him. She is dying in his arms, the picture of unrequited love, and she's telling him not to worry.

EPONINE

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.
MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

Wow. Those words. Bring me to tears every time. Absolutely gorgeous. In the last moments of her life, she feels all of those feelings she's been longing for, and receives if not the absolute love of her Marius, at least the belief that it's there.

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables is one that I love simply because of the absolute beauty of the emotion in Eddie Redmayne's voice. You can literally feel the pain and sorrow of a man who is the only who survived among all of his friends. It is funny that I chose two songs that were performed by Eddie Redmayne. I'll admit that when I first saw the movie I was not impressed with him. I am very specific as to what kind of voice I like, and I don't like the warble you get with an opera-like voice. However, on my second round I came to really like him. His rendition of Empty Chairs just blows me away.

So what do all these feelings boil down to? Partially maybe it is simply my attempt at sorting out my current obsession with Les Mis. Also, the decision to take up singing lessons again. Just for kicks and giggles. There are two little girls that come here in the morning before school, and on days such as this when I am up early and have time to spare, I like to take my time singing in the shower. Apparently they heard it, and said it sounded 'pretty'. That made me smile. Singing is such a personal thing. It leaves you vulnerable and I don't do vulnerability well! So here I go, stepping out of my comfort zone. Wish me luck!

You know, if my life were actually a musical, I would have absolutely found my happily ever after. Wouldn't matter where I was, or what I was doing. If it was in song, I'd be in heaven.

xoxo
Mhea

Written Doodle

I was wondering earlier why it's so hard to sit down in front of my computer and find the inspiration to type something out? I can sit down with a pen and paper and after a ton of doodling it suddenly starts to flow. Words, strung together into something that makes sense, and sometimes can even possibly be thought of as beautiful.

Yet I sit down in front of this screen and draw a blank. Maybe my doodling is my form of getting the juices flowing. So I think I'll try a written doodle. I apologize in advance if this blog is just completely scatterbrained and illogical.

One of the things I'm looking hoping to accomplish this year is to figure out where to go from here. Where my life needs to head. As the name of my blog suggests, I'm constantly on the search for My Happily Ever After, which makes it sound like there's an endpoint. However in my head its moving. There's flow and movement to my ever after.

If you've been reading my blogs, or know me at all you'll know it's something I've been struggling with since I left university. I decide I'm going to go back to school, or do something else, but something always prevents me from going forward. I don't know where I'm meant to be, but I believe He is going to provide me with the answers when He is ready. Until that point I'll just continue looking towards Him and looking for the sign.

Ok I'm going to go off on a tangent. I mean, it's my written doodle so I guess it's my right to go off in another direction for a minute.

Signs from God. I feel like people expect a lot from God. I remember hearing this joke about a woman who prays every day that God will let her win the lottery. After a few months go by and she still hasn't won, she gets frustrated and asks God 'why?!'. God responds with 'You have to meet me halfway! You have to BUY a lottery ticket!'

Isn't that how a lot of us look at God? We ask for things, and blame Him if they don't come through, without trusting that He is simply going to do what is best for us, whether we like it or not at the time.

We are so quick to throw judgement at God. Why do bad things happen to good people? I went through a time after Mom's accident where the Gloom had total hold on me and I was just angry with God. A God that I had been taught about since I was young couldn't possibly allow such a terrible event to occur to such a good person. If that was what God was about, I wasn't interested. It wasn't until later that I let go of that anger, frustration and pain and accepted that it was out of my control, and trusted Him with it.

When we ask for things, we expect it to be hand delivered on a silver platter. We expect it to work out exactly how we expect/ want it to.

Granted, sometimes it does. I'll be the first to admit that I've had times in my life when I've been so sure of something, only to have God whack me in the forehead and remind me that He is God. That I am nothing without/ next to Him and I need to trust Him and stop leaning on myself.

We need to pay attention. I feel like God talks to us a lot, or tries to, but we are too busy. I know I get too busy with my work, tv, iPad, friends, facebook, etc. and a lot of the time put God on the back burner. And I know it's something I need to work on.

Okay tangent over.

So I don't know where I'm going to go next. I do know that there are a few things I would like to get into in the meantime. But maybe that is a post better left for tomorrow. Again, my apologies for my scattered post.

xoxo
Mhea

My FTL List

Lola had a minor freakout at the name Bucket List, so we renamed it the Freedom To Live list. Tis a list that allows us to do whatever we want outside of expectations, labels, etc. A few things that are on our list include:

- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
- Something nerdy
- Something extreme
- Pottery
- Take a bartending course
- Road trip it to L.A.
- Trip to Africa


Then we decided to start a bucket list for in the future.

- See the seven wonders of the world.. This one comes from Lola.. I think she's nuts.. but hey! lol

It's a work in progress. With any luck, we'll be able to accomplish (most) of it.

Wow. I started this post over 2 years ago. I sat down to write out my New Year's Resolutions and here I am,  reading through old drafts of posts long forgotten.  Well, need it be said that one of my NYR is to blog more?

I find that in my busy life, things I love to do get set aside. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I love the flow of words, the picture they can paint, and I love that my thoughts become clearer as I see them typed out on the screen in front of me. Life makes more sense in print. But that, my friends, is a topic for another time. 

So. My New Years Resolutions. Well, first let me give you my entire bucket list. Because somewhere in there lays who I am. And in 2013 I'd love to be able to figure that out.

So here it is: Mhea's FTL list. It's evolved, grown. I've included everything that has been on it since I was 12.

- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
- Something nerdy
- Something extreme
- Pottery
- Take a bartending course - COMPLETED Feb 2012
- Road trip it to L.A.
- Trip to Africa - COMPLETED Summer of 2010
- Swim with dolphins - COMPLETED Feb 2009
- Go wine tasting in Napa Valley
- Go for cooking lessons in Tuscany when I'm 35
- Be someone I'm not for a day
- Backpack through Europe
- Go to Vegas  - COMPLETED Feb 2012
- Take ballroom dancing lessons
- Go white water rafting - COMPLETED Feb 2004
- Visit the Grand Canyon
- Find the Charmed building in San Fransisco
- Get a tattoo - COMPLETED July 2012
- Visit Disneyland as an adult. No kids.
- Visit leaning tower of Pisa
- Learn to play chess
- Learn to play poker
- Take up calligraphy
- Renovate a house
- Make something out of clay
- Create something that will live on after I am gone
- Discover my life's purpose
- Learn to say 'no' without feeling guilty
- Make a difference in someone's life
- Join the Big Sister program
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen
- Write and publish a novel
- Be an extra in a film
- Sleep in a castle
- Create a coat of arms for my family
- See a platypus
- See gorillas in Uganda
- Hold a koala bear
- Watch turtles hatch and run to the ocean
- Have a bonsai tree
- Learn to forgive
- Learn to live in the now
- Go to a broadway show
- Go to Australia
- Go to Thailand
- Wear a dress with hoops

Alright. So I'm sure I'll add to it over the year. But as for my NYR?
- Get healthy
- Tick at least three things off my FTL list.
- Finish unpacking my house!
- Finish a couple quilts I've been working on
- Figure out what I'm doing in terms of work/ school
- WRITE MORE!

Well, I've been known to fall off the wagon. So I figure if I can start with small resolutions, I might have a chance of getting there.

Happy New Year's everyone!!

xoxo