He's got it.

I always seem to think I can do it myself. Even something so simple as the daily grind, I've come to realize isn't solely my battle. So when it's something huge, like say, a move to Africa, and I'm worried, and debating about things alone, I'm just fooling myself. Because I'm never alone. And He is right there beside me helping me, though I sometimes don't care to admit it.

There are so many things to consider when moving to Africa. However I only had one. My dog. Sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I love my puppy/ grief counsellor/ teddy bear/ pillow/ foot warmer/ friend etc. I absolutely adore him. And this was the one thing holding me back from moving.

I worried, I debated, I cried a little. And then one of my best friends, someone I hadn't seen since before Africa, and I hadn't told about my concerns, randomly told me she knew I wanted to go back to Africa, and she wanted to take Toby for that time. Long, or short. *Insert huge sigh of relief here*. There is nobody I'd rather leave my baby with more. She was there when we got him, and through his training, it's so perfect.

So now Africa is waiting, I'm just organizing everything, and then I will be able to be off. All my concerns have been put to rest. And once again, I've been taught that I need to let go. Put my faith in Him, and remember that He's got it. And no matter how much I try to do it alone, He keeps showing me that He never has, and never will, leave my side, and allow me to walk alone.

I'm determined..

.. to love each day more than I'm afraid of it.

I've done it again...

I just realized that once again, I've been judging myself on what I think other people think of me. Confused? Yah.. me too. For some reason, I've always thought that people must have this really negative opinion of me. One that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's not even from what people say or do, or act. It's just a me-thing. I decide that this is how they feel about me, and I'm stubborn enough to not be able to talk myself out of it. It's not rational, it's actually pretty ridiculous, but it's not something I can turn off.

But then, when I'm really starting to feel this way, I usually get a sudden influx of emails, msgs, fb posts etc from people reminding me of how amazing they think I am. I wave it off as 'that's just because they don't really know me'. I don't know whether I think I'm a horrible person, or what. I do know that I figure, considering all the craziness flying around in my own head, that people can somehow see how flustered I am 96% of the time, and that somehow every single one of my faults is transparent to the world. Apparently, it's not true.

This last week I've really been feeling that way. That everyone had negative feelings about me. And then I got a message from a friend of mine from Africa, she grew up in Kitale, and is an absolute sweetheart. This is what she sent me.

I miss you guys a lot..honestly everyone who met you thinks you are the best girls ever with big heart and I agree..What you did for those kids was unheard of! It was big. I think u guys are very special because most people don't think these kids need fun so long as they are given education and food and shelter, the rest is extra expense but you guys gave them fun and honestly we have never seen that here so its something to me. Thanks for that. Its sad because most African kids, I would say me too when I was a kid, there was nothing like fun and being kids...no swimming, dolls and all that kids stuff that's why I think those kids will remember you guys for a long time... swimming is a big deal here only the rich can do that so you can imagine how it made them feel. Also don't be surprised by this but to most kids here eating chips is a special treat, kids don't get to eat chips all time because its kinda luxury and expensive! So thank you.

Bah. She nearly made me cry! I hadn't thought about it like that. We went over with the pure intention of having fun with the kids. Here I was thinking we were horrible people because we didn't get to do as much with the kids as I would have liked. Yet something so simple as an afternoon at the pool made such a huge difference. Apparently it's not a big priority with a lot of organizations. Probably because we weren't really with an organization, and were blowing our own money, we were just good with having fun, as well as caring for their basic needs.

But I thought everyone thought that way. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not disliked as much as I'd have myself believe.

Or, the more likely option is that maybe I'm just a loon and need to be locked up.

We are our own downfall..

The biggest turn off to Christianity is Christians themselves.

How true is that?! Personally, I find that the people I like hanging out with least tend to be my Christian friends, or Christians in general. I feel I am constantly being judged, not a feeling I really enjoy. Church is my least favourite place to be, not because I don't love the worship and such, but because it's a popularity contest. Cliques among young people in churches are worse than high schools! In the one place you are supposed to be accepted, and loved, your whole character gets ripped to shreds.

When I first started looking after BabyBoy, we were in church and a couple older ladies behind me were discussing 'what a shame it was' that I had a child when I was 'clearly so young' and how 'that would never have happened in their day!'. Finally, I had enough. I turned around, and I said 'You know, I have a story for you. It's about a mother who has five kids, and took in over 150 foster kids over the last 20 years. Then one day, she gets killed in a car accident. The oldest daughter came home from across the country to help take care of the family. I'm the oldest, he's the youngest. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't judge me.' Their mouths dropped.

I guess I'm just wondering why?

Why is it, when Christians are supposed to be a people based on love, unconditional, agape love, to turn away and disapprove of homosexuals? I know that it is morally wrong, but what right do we have to tell them who they are allowed to love? And are they still not people, the artwork of God? Does He not love them the same?

Why is it that we condemn those who do wrong, however we do the same things everyday? The Bible says that all sins are equal. So we, who tell lies, or do not love, are in the same amount of trouble as those who murder, or commit adultery.

Why is it that we, although a people of great love, can be so darned cold and calculating to not only people of other faiths, but one another? Why do we insist on having this outward appearance of love, and acceptance, yet be so cruel and corrupt?

Why do I need to constantly be fighting to be someone ‘good enough’ to be considered ‘one of them’?

We were told to love. The greatest commandment of them all, maybe because it's the hardest. It's so easy to judge, or gossip, or be straight-up brutal to one another. It seems to take a lot more effort to just love. I'm the first to admit I'm guilty of this. I love being up to date on the latest news, maybe because it just makes me feel more involved. When someone ticks me off, as a friend once told me, 'they could die of frostbite' because I tend to get a bit cold towards them.

My favourite verse, since I was 13 has been:
You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. ~ Matthew 5:43-48

Maybe the real reason behind this post is to remind myself of everything I've been trying to learn over the last 9 years, and once again was taught in Africa.

Getting ahead of themselves?!

So, a year or so ago I wrote a few posts on my dad's dating life. Well, guess what. He's dating again! The same woman he started dating six weeks after my mother's car accident. He made me aware of this when I was in Africa, but didn't tell me to what extent they were taking their relationship. Apparently they are planning on being married by next summer. And are selling our house and trailer for 'bigger and better' things. And putting everything that has to do with mom into storage.

Now, I have no issue with this. I'm moving out, moving on, and will probably end up in Kenya full time. However I have an issue with how they are dealing with BabyBoy. They call her 'mom' and 'mommy' to him. 'Give it to mommy!' 'Say goodbye to mommy!' It's too soon. I'm annoyed and frustrated. My mom's life is gone, for this baby, and they are ripping what she's done away. They cuddle under the picture of my mom and dad. My mom's pictures are slowly being replaced with pictures of the 'new future wife'.

When my boss in Edmonton started dating his wife, he did the same thing. And I thought he was insane, and I said if anything ever happened to my mom, my dad would never do something like that because he had his head screwed on right. But I guess I was wrong. He's moving too fast, and not thinking through things. And ripping our family apart in the process.

I don't know who will still be talking in a year, where my monkey will be, or who he'll grow up to be now. I'm wondering what Dad'll tell the baby if they break up. I wonder what will happen to the baby if anything happens to Dad after his new wife adopts him next year. Most likely I'll never see him again. Most excellent.

I suppose it won't matter. I suppose I'll just move to Kenya, focus on everyone I can help there, and trust Him. Because that's all I can do.

Will we ever learn?

One thing I miss about Africa is how easy going everyone is with one another. Here in North America, we judge. We judge people based on their hairstyles, clothes, tattoos, boyfriends, girlfriends, speech, accents, warts, colour, car, house, pet, make-up, zits, etc. We always find something to put someone down about. We aren't content with ourselves so instead we find any little fault in everyone else to make ourselves feel better. I'm the first to admit that I am guilty of this. I wish I could say it wasn't so, but I have a tendency to judge people based on the stupidest things as well.

In Kenya, women would walk down the street, or go to the pool decked out in a prom dress. And everyone would tell her how beautiful she looked, instead of giving her strange looks of disapproval. Women could wear crazy hats and interesting dresses and people would just accept it. Maybe because people in Africa had bigger things to worry about than what the person standing across the street is wearing. Or maybe because they simply do not care! Or, maybe because people have decided to take the high road and love one another.

Such a simple thing to do really. Love one another. However it seems to be the hardest thing for us to do. Maybe one day we'll learn to accept one another for who we are. Warts and all.

Be Blessed
<3 Mhea

Looking ahead..

I'm a nostalgic person. I enjoy remembering the past, so much so I sometimes forget to live in the moment. I remember when we used to ride in the old station wagons, and everyone would fight over the very back seats that faced out the back windows. There was something so appealing to watching the world as we passed it. But I find that that is what I do with my life. I keep looking backwards, remembering the past, living in it, so much so that I don't realize what's going on in the present, until it is also the past, and I'm grasping at the few memories I do have.

So this summer, I decided to live in the moment. I traded in the station wagon, and I took life head on. And I had a fabulous summer with so many wonderful people! I think that it's easier to remember the good times, than live in the unknown. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So no more. I need to surrender it and move on!! I'm living in the moment, and giving each moment to Him. His plans are bigger than our own, a lesson I was taught in a huge way this summer. I can't wait to see what happens next. And that is the first time I've been able to say that in over two years. I'm looking towards the future, excited for what's going to happen next. Maybe I'll end up in Kitale. Maybe in Edmonton. Maybe in Mexico. But wherever it is, I know I'll be where He wants me to be, and where He can use me best.

Be Blessed
<3 Mhea