I've done it again...

I just realized that once again, I've been judging myself on what I think other people think of me. Confused? Yah.. me too. For some reason, I've always thought that people must have this really negative opinion of me. One that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's not even from what people say or do, or act. It's just a me-thing. I decide that this is how they feel about me, and I'm stubborn enough to not be able to talk myself out of it. It's not rational, it's actually pretty ridiculous, but it's not something I can turn off.

But then, when I'm really starting to feel this way, I usually get a sudden influx of emails, msgs, fb posts etc from people reminding me of how amazing they think I am. I wave it off as 'that's just because they don't really know me'. I don't know whether I think I'm a horrible person, or what. I do know that I figure, considering all the craziness flying around in my own head, that people can somehow see how flustered I am 96% of the time, and that somehow every single one of my faults is transparent to the world. Apparently, it's not true.

This last week I've really been feeling that way. That everyone had negative feelings about me. And then I got a message from a friend of mine from Africa, she grew up in Kitale, and is an absolute sweetheart. This is what she sent me.

I miss you guys a lot..honestly everyone who met you thinks you are the best girls ever with big heart and I agree..What you did for those kids was unheard of! It was big. I think u guys are very special because most people don't think these kids need fun so long as they are given education and food and shelter, the rest is extra expense but you guys gave them fun and honestly we have never seen that here so its something to me. Thanks for that. Its sad because most African kids, I would say me too when I was a kid, there was nothing like fun and being kids...no swimming, dolls and all that kids stuff that's why I think those kids will remember you guys for a long time... swimming is a big deal here only the rich can do that so you can imagine how it made them feel. Also don't be surprised by this but to most kids here eating chips is a special treat, kids don't get to eat chips all time because its kinda luxury and expensive! So thank you.

Bah. She nearly made me cry! I hadn't thought about it like that. We went over with the pure intention of having fun with the kids. Here I was thinking we were horrible people because we didn't get to do as much with the kids as I would have liked. Yet something so simple as an afternoon at the pool made such a huge difference. Apparently it's not a big priority with a lot of organizations. Probably because we weren't really with an organization, and were blowing our own money, we were just good with having fun, as well as caring for their basic needs.

But I thought everyone thought that way. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not disliked as much as I'd have myself believe.

Or, the more likely option is that maybe I'm just a loon and need to be locked up.