I try to make it disappear. I smile, and it recedes. But then it's back, stronger than ever.
I try to live with it, accepting it won't leave. But then the newly healed cracks in my heart return.
It's not me, you see, its the people around me. The people who walk around with the pain and hurt and emotion hanging over their head, for everyone to see. Take my dad for instance. After the Gloom entered our lives, he was a mess. Then, 10 weeks in, he gets a girlfriend. And everything is lollipops and rainbows. And then it becomes apparent that this probably has no future. And as soon as the Gloom had left, it returned. Now we return to days in bed, crying, randomly going out for the evening without telling us where he is, when he'll be home.
Or my Grama, who lost her only daughter, and then freaks out at the Costco lady because mom's name is listed as a dependent on her card. She cries every time I see her. And I hate seeing that emotion. Because it makes me want to cry.
And then there's my baby sister M, who has added the Gloom on top of everything she's going through as a 16 year old. Her smile fades quickly. She recedes to her room. Her comments/ responses are short and spiteful.
Me? I've taken on a new look at things. I realize Mom is in a better place, and that the Gloom only has as much hold on me as I let it. I let things slide of my back that I wouldn't before. I am more patient than I was before the Gloom settled.
Now, I do not EVER want a new 'mother'. And in a very selfish way I don't want Dad to get remarried for at least another 3 or 4 years.
I want it to leave. I want the Gloom to dissipate, and the cloud hovering over my house to be gone.
I want to live. to move on.
To never forget, but keep on living.
5 comments:
I am so sorry about your Mother - I just now began reading your blog. I understand the effect The Gloom has on people -it's overwhelming and oftentimes all encompasing. It must be so hard to see it all around you..hang in there...
I think you should give your family time to cry and let them show their sorry and anger even if this upsets you. Don't bottle up those tears and fury and don't expect those around you to do that either. Even if the free-running emotions give free way to The Gloom for the time being you and your family have to go through this hellish period to be able to go on LIVING your lives. Without bleeding scars and without anger. I think you are an incredibly strong person but don't try to put everyone's sorrow on your shoulders. For now it must be heavy enough to carry your own and to have the patience to tolerate the others'. I'm crossing fingers you all come through this soon and be able to re-construct your lives, your smiles and your hopes for an easier future.
I love your writing, So raw, so real. Keep it honest. don't let others tell you how to feel.
I am following your blog! I hope that's OK.
BIg hugs from CA!
Princess- Thanks.. I appreciate the kind words.. Its just inescapable... or seems like that
Dora- you are right. I just get annoyed that Dad moved on so quickly, and wanted us to grieve, and as a result, is now grieving and receding worse than ever.
Sandi-Thank you! I'm glad you like it.. I'm following you as well.. 14 kids.. you either have to be crazy or have a huge heart! My mother was a foster mother who took in over 150 kids.. and I think she was both!! :D
I am sorry about your mother. As you already know, I can completely relate. Stay strong . . . keep writing, it does a soul good. And as you go through the process of mourning, etc, as Sandi said, don't let others tell you how to feel or that you should be over something. Stay true to yourself.
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