Recognizing a Blessing..

There are certain things in life I take for granted. Health, security, roof over my head. People are another thing I take for granted, that I really shouldn't. I've realized that there are certain people in life that touch you in a way you will never forget. 

Yesterday, I visited my old high school. I went to pick up my transcripts, since I am applying back to university for the fall. I try to go back once every three or four months, just to see old teachers and the chaplain, people I spent four years of my life with everyday, and became like family. Now, I'm not saying I had some weird relationship with all my teachers, nor did I go to a boarding school. I had my parents, and my sibs, but at that point in my life I feel like my family was more of an obligation than the people I depended on most. 

I was a floater in high school. I had 4 distinct, constant groups of friends. I wasn't the type of person to stay in one place for very long. The only thing that remained the same is that I was a Jr. TA in the Special Education classroom. Two wonderful ladies taught this class, and I got to know them very well. Especially Mrs. Roy. 

Mrs. Roy was about my mother's age. Her daughter graduated with me. She ran cheerleading, and wasn't afraid to tell you what she really thought. She was like a second mom to me. I talked to her about all my problems. I shared all my triumphs, joys. I told her about my crushes, about the drama I was dealing with in certain groups of friends. She is the one person that knew pretty much everything that was going on in my life. Everytime I see her, she gives me a hug, and holds on a few seconds extra, just to let me know she's there. When I say goodbye, she flashes me the sign language sign for I love you. I know that she cares. When I graduated, the only time is when she gave me a hug and told me how proud she was of me. She is a wonderful person, and I would not be who I am today without her. 

Dreams

Dreams are more real than reality itself, 

they're closer to the self. 

~Gao Xingjian

Dreams have always been a funny thing with me. When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare, where the huge monster dude from the 'Great Ewok Adventure', was chasing my friends and I, who were all apparently all girl scouts, through a terror stricken city. Hopping over debris, bolting through pipes, trying not to get eaten. I'd wake up in cold sweats, usually crying when I was really young. After a few years of having this dream, it started to change. I started to realize at the beginning of the dream what was happening, and started to lead my group. Then my sisters were suddenly apart of our girl scouts group, and the need to protect them was overwhelming. That's when I started to control my dreams.

I believe they are called lucid dreams. Pretty much, I was able to decide that it was MY dream so what I said goes. And that's what happened. Every dream I had, I was able to control the outcome.  My nightmares became comedies. 

But lately, since my mom was killed, I haven't been able to do that. Recurring dreams of the day I found out, seeing her lying in the coffin, my baby brother lying in his hospital bed with tubes sticking out all over him, looking so small. My baby brother looking at me in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. My heart breaks everytime. And I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can only watch, feeling utterly helpless.

I also dream about weird things. For instance, when we were in the DR, we met this couple from Newfoundland. The woman was about 46 I'd say, and just seemed like the ultimate woman. She was tanned, happy, smiling eyes, and full of advice. She was pretty awesome! So every few nights since then, if I need any advice on anything, she's there, we are at a lake where the lake is frozen over, but we are tanning on the beach, and she gives me advice on everything. Super weird. 

And when I don't think I can take the sad dreams anymore, there's a recurring dream of one of my closest friends from highs school. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in years, he comes over, sits down besides me, and holds me. Just saying 'I love you' over and over. And I've never felt so safe. 

So now I wonder what tonight will bring. 

The Real Me

I wrote a little bit here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings. 

I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares,  can get me in trouble sometimes. 

Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself. 

People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there! 

People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind. 

Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries. 

The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.

On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life.  What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.

I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself. 

An adult?! I'm not ready for this!

So.. It just hit me that in one week, I turn 21. A legal adult all over the world. I know, I'm just a baby. But I don't wanna get older! I feel like I haven't experienced my childhood completely yet!! I know, it's lame to complain, but all my friends are getting married, having babies, and I feel like we are just getting started! I wanna go back to when we all would make plans for trips, and wedding dates/ honeymoons/ babies didn't impede on our dreaming. I wanna go back to when we didn't have all the responsibilities of life. 

The only thing that makes everything okay is that we met  a woman in the DR who was from Newfoundland and told us that life BEGINS when you are 40. So, I guess 21 isn't too bad of a birthday.. I'm still slightly freaking out thou. See? I'm still a big baby. I'm not ready for this! Can I just skip my birthday? It can be like any other day! mm.. that could work! Forever 20.. interesting :P

Child vs. Adulthood

Childhood is wasted on the young, while adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

- Me!

I came up with this little revelation while watching 13 Going on 30 over at Lola's this weekend. It got me thinking about how ridiculous it is that we spend our entire life either wanting to be older, or wishing we could be younger again. 

Childhood is wasted on the young. 

I'm only 20, so I still probably don't know this to the same extent that the older generations do, but I definitely feel like youth today, including myself do not take advantage of the opportunities available to us. If I were able to go back and relive my life knowing what I know now, I'd do everything differently. Not to fix mistakes, but to live life to the fullest. Life is too short to just let it pass you by. I would have loved more, I wouldn't have dwelt in other people's mistakes/ decisions. 

Adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

Jaded. Motononous droning. Adjectives that describe a good many people's lives when they are older. They are all too worried about bills, jobs, politics, whatever to enjoy the freedom that comes with aduthood. Kids see life as what it is, a playground, however are roped in by adults. For their own protection of course. But we could take a lesson from them. When living life as a monotonous drone, what's the point? If your days all blend together, why bother? Children see the brilliance of a new day. The potential of a minute. Adults live by the ticking of a clock. Children live by moments of joy. 

Hola!

mmm.. I feel so spoiled! I just got back from my week at the Breezes Superclub in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. It was fantastic! I swam with dolphins, got tanned (in FEBRUARY!), met a kazillion people, and felt completely violated in every way! All in all, a very satisfying vacay. 

Oy.. someone should have warned us that two young women, alone, going to the DR is just a recipe for trouble. Between the bartenders, servers, the merchants in town, tour guides and bus drivers, we definately now know what a piece of meat feels like. 

We arrived on Friday, after a 6:30 am flight (ick), and pretty much chilled for the day. Saturday was spent by the pool, chilling with pina coladas and daquiris.. We also found out what a Dominican Double is. Its about 4 ounces of alcohol in a 6 ounce cup. Margueritas are bad news when made like this! That night was the Valentines day show. I'll post a video if I can figure it out of the games they were playing with couples.

Sunday we went to Sosua, where there was a 2 mile long flea market along the beach. It was pretty interesting.. Saw a lot of neat stuff.. got to drink a pina colada out of a pineapple which, was pretty much worth the trip. We were molested by the merchants, who wanted kisses and such in order for a cheaper price. A little sketchy. It was a pretty awesome day all around.. bought some pretty sweet souvenirs for my sibs. That night we went to the bar at the resort and got to know the bartenders. This pretty much set us up for awesome times for the rest of the week. 

Monday we went to Oceanworld, which is similar to Seaworld. We swam with dolphins, hugged them, kissed them, danced with them, fed them.. The kissing was the worst. I was tasting fish for a half hour.. pleasant. The dolphin, Chiquita stuck her tongue in one guy's mouth.. it was pretty nasty. We saw sea lions, birds, white tigers, stingrays, sharks, pirhanas, but the Dolphins were definately my fav. That night was interesting. After apparently one too many shots, we sorta agreed to go dancing in town with 2 of the bartenders in Sosua for Wednesday. Dirty Dancing 3 anyone? We had a hell of a time getting outta that.. A little too sketchy for my tastes! 

Tuesday we had another down day, pretty relaxing. It rained most of the day, so we sat in the hot tub, and took it all in. We met a cop from Jersey who pretty much was the most hilarious person I've ever met. 

Wednesday we went out on a catamaran. It was awful. Six hours on a boat and I was sick for 5 and a half of them. It was awful. I, along with half the rest of the boat were leaning over a flipping bucket for the day. Terrible. That night we took it easy and went to bed early as to avoid running into anyone we didn't want to see. 

Thursday was our last down day. We chilled, relaxed, and just enjoyed the last of the sun. That night we took it pretty easy as well.

Friday we came home.. a very sad day.. Leaving the land I love. I'd definitely recommend the resort. It was fabulous. 

Ok, I promised myself I'd sketch out our week, and I did, so now I have to go get my life in order. Talk soon! 

Ahhhh! One decision down, a million more to go!

Well! I have applied back to university! :D Pending acceptance, I'll be taking a social work program! I'm slightly excited, slightly hyper-ventilating. I am the worlds GREATEST procrastinator. I can sit here and think of a million reasons why I should put off writing this post, and am actually writing this post to procrastinate so I don't have to clean my room. Look at this blog for instance! I write almost everyday for months, and then write MAYBE every week or so. I don't put the effort into things I should. I start things off with gusto, all good intentions of getting things done in a timely manner!.. and then.. the real Mhea comes back, and things get put off and forgotten for ridiculous amounts of time. And I really don't know how to change. I'm a professional procrastinator. I've been my whole life. And now I have to go back where there are books, essays, lectures, notes, group projects.. great.. and now I'm talking myself  OUT of going. Bah. I just wanted to let you, the blogosphere community know that I, Mhea, am taking the INITIATIVE -ya, I do that sometimes- to move ahead. I am returning to school *tear*. Hopefully it goes better than it did last time :S. Peace!