I wrote a little bit
here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings.
I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares, can get me in trouble sometimes.
Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself.
People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there!
People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind.
Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries.
The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.
On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life. What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.
I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself.
