People ALWAYS leave.

I have a theory...

People always leave. It's a rule. And sometimes I forget that.. and I let myself get too close to someone, or know too much about me.. and it always bites me in the ass. 

When I used to have bffs, I'd never tell them too much about me.. I'd keep it so we were always talking about them.. it was better that way.. what they don't know can't hurt me.  Ever. 

So the bffs I thought I had need to go. Clearly trust is something I've become a lil too free with. 

Friends.. friends are good.. not too personal.. its a good thing.. I need to go back to having friends.. and only friends..

bffs are of the past my friends.. of the past.. 

I think part of my anger and frustration with everything stems from my mom's anniversary of her death. Since then I've constantly been pissy and bitchy. and Definitely okay wiht it. I dont wanna deal with any more bullshit. I may or may not have started redirecting that anger at my friend... ugh.. I am my biggest downfall..

Friends and the way we move..

Me- I can almost guarantee you that you will not have the same friends as you have now in 10 years. 

Sis O- Yes I will! I'll be friends with them FOREVER. 

Me- Friends, yes. But not as close as you are with them now. 

Sis O- why?!

Me- Because as friends grow, they choose different paths. And then they find new friends that are on that path. 

She didn't believe me. I didn't believe my mom either after she told me that my friends and I won't be friends in 20 years. I was convinced we'd all still be best friends. As it were, I don't talk to any of them. I figured through high school, when we'd all leave, we'd all still be sooo tight! Fact is, I'm not super tight with anyone really from high school. Now camp is another story. My best friends are the ones I met at camp. I'm still friends with all of them still after years. 

In general I think I'm afraid to get too close to anyone because I know that eventually they'll just leave. Whether it's to actually move to get a job, or go to school. Or if they get a new boyfriend, and their whole world suddenly revolves around this new love interest. Or even if they get married. Life changes. And I don't like it! I'm selfish, I know. And I know that people are going to move on with their lives. 

<3> Mhea

Random Thought.. Me x10

'It makes you all that you can be.

It makes you tenfold on the outside,

what you are on the inside!'

~ Bartok the Magnificent

This is a quote from a cartoon I was watching with BabyBoy and it got me thinking. In the movie, the witch Baba Yaga has Bartok, a little bat, help her create this potion which will make him all that he can be. However, the prince's evil caretaker drinks it instead, she turns into a dragon, when she was assuming she'd become even MORE beautiful, MORE desired.

So if I had this magic potion, what would I become? Would I become a dragon? Spewing fire and frightening everyone around me? Would I become an ugly evil witch?! Would I become a beautiful butterfly? Who knows? I guess it's something to think about.. 

If you were you x 10.. what would you turn into? what would YOU be?

If I could take my life to the computer repair guy...

Some days, I wonder at how much easier life would be if it could have an easy fix. Something is wrong.. you take it to someone.. like.. the computer repair guy.. 

"Excuse me sir?"

"Hello! How can I help you??" 

"Well, as you can see, my life is acting up again. I've run virus scans, tried specialists, I just don't understand what's wrong!"

"Well, why don't we take a closer look?? Aha! I see you're problem. Why don't you leave it with me tonight and you can pick it up first thing in the morning. I'll take care of everything. We'll get you fixed up in no time!"

See?! See how easy that would be?! You could have buttons and commands too! 

Restart- you could restart that day.

Memory/ Data Recovery- get back everything you've forgotten.

Virus Scan- would tell you exactly what is wrong with you!

Shut Down- would be very helpful on nights you can't get to sleep. 

SHIFT-TAB- would let you go back a little bit. 

SHIFT- would let you skip over a bit, which could be helpful in case of arguments, and such

Mute- OH! What I wouldn't give for a mute button. Shut myself up when I'm about to say something I'll regret, or shut everyone else up when I need some down time. 

Of course, then you run into issues with the CONTROL Q buttons :S. 

How epic would it be if we could just have our lives completely fixed and brought back to us? Where life wouldn't be so damn hard. 

I know. I wish.

But hey, a girl can dream right?

Dreams

Dreams are more real than reality itself, 

they're closer to the self. 

~Gao Xingjian

Dreams have always been a funny thing with me. When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare, where the huge monster dude from the 'Great Ewok Adventure', was chasing my friends and I, who were all apparently all girl scouts, through a terror stricken city. Hopping over debris, bolting through pipes, trying not to get eaten. I'd wake up in cold sweats, usually crying when I was really young. After a few years of having this dream, it started to change. I started to realize at the beginning of the dream what was happening, and started to lead my group. Then my sisters were suddenly apart of our girl scouts group, and the need to protect them was overwhelming. That's when I started to control my dreams.

I believe they are called lucid dreams. Pretty much, I was able to decide that it was MY dream so what I said goes. And that's what happened. Every dream I had, I was able to control the outcome.  My nightmares became comedies. 

But lately, since my mom was killed, I haven't been able to do that. Recurring dreams of the day I found out, seeing her lying in the coffin, my baby brother lying in his hospital bed with tubes sticking out all over him, looking so small. My baby brother looking at me in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. My heart breaks everytime. And I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can only watch, feeling utterly helpless.

I also dream about weird things. For instance, when we were in the DR, we met this couple from Newfoundland. The woman was about 46 I'd say, and just seemed like the ultimate woman. She was tanned, happy, smiling eyes, and full of advice. She was pretty awesome! So every few nights since then, if I need any advice on anything, she's there, we are at a lake where the lake is frozen over, but we are tanning on the beach, and she gives me advice on everything. Super weird. 

And when I don't think I can take the sad dreams anymore, there's a recurring dream of one of my closest friends from highs school. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in years, he comes over, sits down besides me, and holds me. Just saying 'I love you' over and over. And I've never felt so safe. 

So now I wonder what tonight will bring. 

The Real Me

I wrote a little bit here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings. 

I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares,  can get me in trouble sometimes. 

Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself. 

People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there! 

People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind. 

Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries. 

The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.

On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life.  What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.

I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself. 

Child vs. Adulthood

Childhood is wasted on the young, while adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

- Me!

I came up with this little revelation while watching 13 Going on 30 over at Lola's this weekend. It got me thinking about how ridiculous it is that we spend our entire life either wanting to be older, or wishing we could be younger again. 

Childhood is wasted on the young. 

I'm only 20, so I still probably don't know this to the same extent that the older generations do, but I definitely feel like youth today, including myself do not take advantage of the opportunities available to us. If I were able to go back and relive my life knowing what I know now, I'd do everything differently. Not to fix mistakes, but to live life to the fullest. Life is too short to just let it pass you by. I would have loved more, I wouldn't have dwelt in other people's mistakes/ decisions. 

Adulthood is wasted on the old. (er). 

Jaded. Motononous droning. Adjectives that describe a good many people's lives when they are older. They are all too worried about bills, jobs, politics, whatever to enjoy the freedom that comes with aduthood. Kids see life as what it is, a playground, however are roped in by adults. For their own protection of course. But we could take a lesson from them. When living life as a monotonous drone, what's the point? If your days all blend together, why bother? Children see the brilliance of a new day. The potential of a minute. Adults live by the ticking of a clock. Children live by moments of joy. 

Winter Wonderland? I think not.

Once a year, it happens. The gradual change. When all the leaves die and fall to their final resting place, on a bed of grass. When the trees all are quiet, not a rustle to be heard. When the brilliant colours of red, auburn, gold and orange fade to dismal browns, greens and white. When scurrying animals, and flying singers all recede to places unknown, until the sun shines again. 

This year, it happened all too soon. 

Driving by empty fields, and farm houses, the light dusting of white powder is bright in comparison to the gloomy skies.

Driving by a street corner, Catholic school girls wear their skirts a little lower than usual, the boys are bundled in coats, hats, mitts, scarves, and all huddle together in a little pack, trying to keep warm. 

As I drive, the whiteness comes at me. I try to run. It follows. Flurry after flurry of white matter, swirling around my car, enveloping the world in its icy grip. 

We arrive at our destination. I open the door, and catch my breath as I feel the biting cold, and crisp wind. Yet another reminder that it is here. It arrived. 

It is Winter. 

Where in the world is..

Jonathan Taylor Thomas. 

I was wondering this as I was watching a very old episode of Home Improvement last night. I remember way back when I was in grade 2, and my bff N was in love with him. 

She'd come to school and tell us all about the latest dream she had that involved JTT. The most prominent one was where he came and whisked her away from school in the middle of class- a big production of course!- they'd drive off in his limo, and head for a very romantic lunch at... Harvey's. yup! Harvey's. Talk about romantic! Who wouldn't love a romantic lunch (because if she missed dinner with her parents, she'd be in BIG trouble!) with the smell of grease and heart attacks lingering in the air. When we all teased her about it, she insisted that it was very romantic because he paid the 'restaurant' to close down for those few hours so they could be alone. Oh baby oh baby!! 

Taking this little trip down memory lane caused me to think of all the little celebrity crushes going on nowadays. Zac Efron, the Jonas Brothers seem to be most prominent right now. I am the first to laugh at those who dream of "wouldn't it be nice if they noticed ME" and the "if I could just meet him, I know we'd be together forever!" But, I suppose, this is just them being kids.. If they want to dream of lunch with these boys at Harveys, have at it! 

I guess we laugh because we don't have those types of aspirations. Our eyes turn from Hollywood Hotties to the hotties living down the street that we'd never really noticed before. We turn from dreams to reality.

So to O, my baby sister, dream away little one, while you can. For tomorrow will hit you with a sad reality. 

By the way, today is Blog Action Day 2008, and I've created a link to a blog post about it, and some ideas on how YOU can help!! Check it out here! Lend a hand!!