MHEA

My Greatest Fear

2011-11-28T21:27:00.002-05:00

My greatest fear is becoming too comfortable where I am now and not living life to the fullest.

Of allowing myself to become stagnant and remain where I am now forever.

To not live the life I dream for myself.

Of growing old before my time.

He's got it.

2010-09-14T07:20:00.002-04:00

I always seem to think I can do it myself. Even something so simple as the daily grind, I've come to realize isn't solely my battle. So when it's something huge, like say, a move to Africa, and I'm worried, and debating about things alone, I'm just fooling myself. Because I'm never alone. And He is right there beside me helping me, though I sometimes don't care to admit it.

There are so many things to consider when moving to Africa. However I only had one. My dog. Sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I love my puppy/ grief counsellor/ teddy bear/ pillow/ foot warmer/ friend etc. I absolutely adore him. And this was the one thing holding me back from moving.

I worried, I debated, I cried a little. And then one of my best friends, someone I hadn't seen since before Africa, and I hadn't told about my concerns, randomly told me she knew I wanted to go back to Africa, and she wanted to take Toby for that time. Long, or short. *Insert huge sigh of relief here*. There is nobody I'd rather leave my baby with more. She was there when we got him, and through his training, it's so perfect.

So now Africa is waiting, I'm just organizing everything, and then I will be able to be off. All my concerns have been put to rest. And once again, I've been taught that I need to let go. Put my faith in Him, and remember that He's got it. And no matter how much I try to do it alone, He keeps showing me that He never has, and never will, leave my side, and allow me to walk alone.

I'm determined..

2010-09-13T18:20:00.000-04:00

.. to love each day more than I'm afraid of it.

I've done it again...

2010-09-08T19:06:00.002-04:00

I just realized that once again, I've been judging myself on what I think other people think of me. Confused? Yah.. me too. For some reason, I've always thought that people must have this really negative opinion of me. One that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's not even from what people say or do, or act. It's just a me-thing. I decide that this is how they feel about me, and I'm stubborn enough to not be able to talk myself out of it. It's not rational, it's actually pretty ridiculous, but it's not something I can turn off.

But then, when I'm really starting to feel this way, I usually get a sudden influx of emails, msgs, fb posts etc from people reminding me of how amazing they think I am. I wave it off as 'that's just because they don't really know me'. I don't know whether I think I'm a horrible person, or what. I do know that I figure, considering all the craziness flying around in my own head, that people can somehow see how flustered I am 96% of the time, and that somehow every single one of my faults is transparent to the world. Apparently, it's not true.

This last week I've really been feeling that way. That everyone had negative feelings about me. And then I got a message from a friend of mine from Africa, she grew up in Kitale, and is an absolute sweetheart. This is what she sent me.

I miss you guys a lot..honestly everyone who met you thinks you are the best girls ever with big heart and I agree..What you did for those kids was unheard of! It was big. I think u guys are very special because most people don't think these kids need fun so long as they are given education and food and shelter, the rest is extra expense but you guys gave them fun and honestly we have never seen that here so its something to me. Thanks for that. Its sad because most African kids, I would say me too when I was a kid, there was nothing like fun and being kids...no swimming, dolls and all that kids stuff that's why I think those kids will remember you guys for a long time... swimming is a big deal here only the rich can do that so you can imagine how it made them feel. Also don't be surprised by this but to most kids here eating chips is a special treat, kids don't get to eat chips all time because its kinda luxury and expensive! So thank you.

Bah. She nearly made me cry! I hadn't thought about it like that. We went over with the pure intention of having fun with the kids. Here I was thinking we were horrible people because we didn't get to do as much with the kids as I would have liked. Yet something so simple as an afternoon at the pool made such a huge difference. Apparently it's not a big priority with a lot of organizations. Probably because we weren't really with an organization, and were blowing our own money, we were just good with having fun, as well as caring for their basic needs.

But I thought everyone thought that way. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not disliked as much as I'd have myself believe.

Or, the more likely option is that maybe I'm just a loon and need to be locked up.

We are our own downfall..

2010-09-07T09:12:00.002-04:00

The biggest turn off to Christianity is Christians themselves.

How true is that?! Personally, I find that the people I like hanging out with least tend to be my Christian friends, or Christians in general. I feel I am constantly being judged, not a feeling I really enjoy. Church is my least favourite place to be, not because I don't love the worship and such, but because it's a popularity contest. Cliques among young people in churches are worse than high schools! In the one place you are supposed to be accepted, and loved, your whole character gets ripped to shreds.

When I first started looking after BabyBoy, we were in church and a couple older ladies behind me were discussing 'what a shame it was' that I had a child when I was 'clearly so young' and how 'that would never have happened in their day!'. Finally, I had enough. I turned around, and I said 'You know, I have a story for you. It's about a mother who has five kids, and took in over 150 foster kids over the last 20 years. Then one day, she gets killed in a car accident. The oldest daughter came home from across the country to help take care of the family. I'm the oldest, he's the youngest. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't judge me.' Their mouths dropped.

I guess I'm just wondering why?

Why is it, when Christians are supposed to be a people based on love, unconditional, agape love, to turn away and disapprove of homosexuals? I know that it is morally wrong, but what right do we have to tell them who they are allowed to love? And are they still not people, the artwork of God? Does He not love them the same?

Why is it that we condemn those who do wrong, however we do the same things everyday? The Bible says that all sins are equal. So we, who tell lies, or do not love, are in the same amount of trouble as those who murder, or commit adultery.

Why is it that we, although a people of great love, can be so darned cold and calculating to not only people of other faiths, but one another? Why do we insist on having this outward appearance of love, and acceptance, yet be so cruel and corrupt?

Why do I need to constantly be fighting to be someone ‘good enough’ to be considered ‘one of them’?

We were told to love. The greatest commandment of them all, maybe because it's the hardest. It's so easy to judge, or gossip, or be straight-up brutal to one another. It seems to take a lot more effort to just love. I'm the first to admit I'm guilty of this. I love being up to date on the latest news, maybe because it just makes me feel more involved. When someone ticks me off, as a friend once told me, 'they could die of frostbite' because I tend to get a bit cold towards them.

My favourite verse, since I was 13 has been:
You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. ~ Matthew 5:43-48

Maybe the real reason behind this post is to remind myself of everything I've been trying to learn over the last 9 years, and once again was taught in Africa.

Getting ahead of themselves?!

2010-09-06T16:20:00.005-04:00

So, a year or so ago I wrote a few posts on my dad's dating life. Well, guess what. He's dating again! The same woman he started dating six weeks after my mother's car accident. He made me aware of this when I was in Africa, but didn't tell me to what extent they were taking their relationship. Apparently they are planning on being married by next summer. And are selling our house and trailer for 'bigger and better' things. And putting everything that has to do with mom into storage.

Now, I have no issue with this. I'm moving out, moving on, and will probably end up in Kenya full time. However I have an issue with how they are dealing with BabyBoy. They call her 'mom' and 'mommy' to him. 'Give it to mommy!' 'Say goodbye to mommy!' It's too soon. I'm annoyed and frustrated. My mom's life is gone, for this baby, and they are ripping what she's done away. They cuddle under the picture of my mom and dad. My mom's pictures are slowly being replaced with pictures of the 'new future wife'.

When my boss in Edmonton started dating his wife, he did the same thing. And I thought he was insane, and I said if anything ever happened to my mom, my dad would never do something like that because he had his head screwed on right. But I guess I was wrong. He's moving too fast, and not thinking through things. And ripping our family apart in the process.

I don't know who will still be talking in a year, where my monkey will be, or who he'll grow up to be now. I'm wondering what Dad'll tell the baby if they break up. I wonder what will happen to the baby if anything happens to Dad after his new wife adopts him next year. Most likely I'll never see him again. Most excellent.

I suppose it won't matter. I suppose I'll just move to Kenya, focus on everyone I can help there, and trust Him. Because that's all I can do.

Will we ever learn?

2010-09-05T23:23:00.003-04:00

One thing I miss about Africa is how easy going everyone is with one another. Here in North America, we judge. We judge people based on their hairstyles, clothes, tattoos, boyfriends, girlfriends, speech, accents, warts, colour, car, house, pet, make-up, zits, etc. We always find something to put someone down about. We aren't content with ourselves so instead we find any little fault in everyone else to make ourselves feel better. I'm the first to admit that I am guilty of this. I wish I could say it wasn't so, but I have a tendency to judge people based on the stupidest things as well.

In Kenya, women would walk down the street, or go to the pool decked out in a prom dress. And everyone would tell her how beautiful she looked, instead of giving her strange looks of disapproval. Women could wear crazy hats and interesting dresses and people would just accept it. Maybe because people in Africa had bigger things to worry about than what the person standing across the street is wearing. Or maybe because they simply do not care! Or, maybe because people have decided to take the high road and love one another.

Such a simple thing to do really. Love one another. However it seems to be the hardest thing for us to do. Maybe one day we'll learn to accept one another for who we are. Warts and all.

Be Blessed
<3 Mhea

Looking ahead..

2010-09-04T20:59:00.001-04:00

I'm a nostalgic person. I enjoy remembering the past, so much so I sometimes forget to live in the moment. I remember when we used to ride in the old station wagons, and everyone would fight over the very back seats that faced out the back windows. There was something so appealing to watching the world as we passed it. But I find that that is what I do with my life. I keep looking backwards, remembering the past, living in it, so much so that I don't realize what's going on in the present, until it is also the past, and I'm grasping at the few memories I do have.

So this summer, I decided to live in the moment. I traded in the station wagon, and I took life head on. And I had a fabulous summer with so many wonderful people! I think that it's easier to remember the good times, than live in the unknown. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So no more. I need to surrender it and move on!! I'm living in the moment, and giving each moment to Him. His plans are bigger than our own, a lesson I was taught in a huge way this summer. I can't wait to see what happens next. And that is the first time I've been able to say that in over two years. I'm looking towards the future, excited for what's going to happen next. Maybe I'll end up in Kitale. Maybe in Edmonton. Maybe in Mexico. But wherever it is, I know I'll be where He wants me to be, and where He can use me best.

Be Blessed
<3 Mhea

My Home

2010-08-23T14:43:00.004-04:00

Kitale, Kenya. Africa.

It's stolen my heart. I've found my home. So much has happened here in the last two months. Lola and I have been through the wringer time and time again, yet I never want to leave. So many amazing memories that we are bringing home with us.

I haven't really known what I'm going to do with my life, but at this point I'm thinking it has something to do with this town. It's not just the amazing people who actually need me here, but it's also how close I feel to my mom here. It's like she's here. I haven't truly allowed myself to grieve for my mother yet, but here, it's part of the journey. It's a daily struggle/ joy, celebrating her life. The whole reason I'm here is because of her. Leaving this week feels like I'm losing her all over again.

Here I'm needed. I've never felt so loved, or special as when I walk into a room here, and the whole room lights up. It's a huge ego-booster, let me tell you! There's so much I've learned. So much I've seen.

I may be leaving for a short while, but I shall be back. I'm home.

My Safari- Part 1

2010-01-27T08:20:00.000-05:00

Lions, tigers, giraffes, cheetahs, wildebeest, zebras, seaturtles, elephants, hippos and monkeys. What do all of these things have in common??

In five months, the answer will be me!!! That's right, I'm heading to Africa this summer! We are talking two months of epic fun. I'll be updating you more as time goes on, however our plan right now is to spend five weeks at the orphanage we've built in my mom's name, and then head out on an adventure for the final 3 weeks, spending some time in Tanzania, (hopefully Rwanda and Uganda) and exploring Kenya's wildlife.

I figured an explanation as to why I have been neglecting my blog once again was in order.

I am so excited!

<3 Mhea

My Relief

2010-01-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

Last week, millions of Americans and Canadians who share the love for the hit TV series 'Lost' held their breath as they waited for word from the White House on whether the premiere would be pushed back for the Obama's State of the Union speech.

I was admittedly one of those millions.

Luckily, the White House determined that Lost trumps the President so, we can all relax, sit back and wait to be completely, totally and udderly confused. Anyone who has seen Lost knows that the idea for the show was probably conceived after ingesting large quantities of LSDs and other hallucinogens. Anyone who can come up with such a strange, twisted, confusing, complicated storyline without the help of such drugs should probably be committed. I've often said that I believe that the writers of Lost probably sit around a storyboard getting high. Every once in awhile they move on to something stronger, and that's when the story gets really twisted. Who else could come up with polar bears on a tropical island, moving an island through time, a black cloud monster thing that eats people, etc? And the way everything fits together? Brilliant insanity.

And yet, I, along with millions of other viewers like myself put ourselves through the weekly torment of having no idea of what is going on, assuming that everything will be explained, and all the loose ends shall be tied in the final season. Alas, the producers have let everyone know that our curiosity shall not be satisfied. They will keep us guessing, and probably will have set the stage for fans to be arguing whether it was a good ending or not for decades to come.

I had promised myself I would not get swept up in the Lost phenomenon, much like I did with Twilight. However, once again, I gave in and joined the movement. As a person who hates philosophy, loves it when 2+2=4, and a+b=c, I have a feeling this ending is seriously going to frustrate me!

~Mhea

My Puppy

2010-01-13T08:52:00.001-05:00

Back when I used to be on here more regularly, David from The Rest is Still Unwritten tried to convince me more than once that trading in the baby for a puppy would be the best course of action. Over time, I came to agree that we did need a puppy, although there is no way in hell I'd give up my BabyBoy! :P On October 2, 2o09, we picked out my newest baby. This is Toby. He's a Golden Retriever, and the SWEETEST dog ever. He and BabyBoy get along alright, they have their attention issues, and sometimes enjoy harassing one another for the hell of it, however all in all, an amazing pair.

Both of my babies

He's gonna be a scholar. My smart puppy!

Halloween '09

The most recent pic I have.

He's got a claim on my passenger seat, however will give it up most graciously. He's in his second level of obedience school, and is doing very well! He can have a bit of a stubborn streak, he doesn't like what we are doing, he'll just sit down and refuse to move, looking at me like 'Oh sure! You first!'. He's terrified of blenders. He loves his treat ball and playing fetch. He's my baby!

~ Mhea

My Obsession

2010-01-12T08:21:00.000-05:00

The theater has always been a wonder to me. Growing up near Stratford, On, which is pretty well known for it's Shakespeare Festival Theater, I've always loved going to the fabulous plays they put on. My favourites thus far being The King and I and Oliver!. They do amazing musicals!

For the past few years, Christopher Plummer has been starring in a few of the plays, (for those of you who don't know, Christopher Plummer played Captain Von Trapp in the movie Sound of Music) and I cannot wait to see him onstage!

There's something about musicals that just make me so happy. I can't stop smiling, and the tunes are stuck in my head for weeks! Then I buy the soundtrack, movie, and whatever else I can get my hands on! I've always dreamed of getting up on stage and performing, however have never attempted it. I have the greatest respect for actors. I've heard that the reason the characters start singing is because they've reached such an emotional state of being that words just aren't enough, and clearly hearing the words in song is a bazillion times better!

Below I've posted two videos from youtube. Both are written and performed by the same group, StarKid, a bunch of graduated Michigan College kids. I've only put on Act One Scene One from each play, but I think you'll get the idea.

The first one is a musical they wrote called a Very Potter Musical. I was a bit skeptical at first, since I wasn't really a Harry Potter fan, however they changed it all up and made it absolutely hilarious!

The second video is from a play they wrote called 'Me and My Dick'. OMG. Hilarious! How people think this stuff up is beyond me! They wrote the entire musical themselves. Like I said, this is just A1S1, and it just gets more and more hilarious as it goes on!

Essentially, what it comes down to is my intense love and obsession with all things musical. The story, the emotion, the intensity. I heart it all!

My Return

2010-01-11T12:22:00.004-05:00

I'm back! :)

Ok so things that have happened since the last time I posted:

- Finished my summer of wedding after wedding. Thank God! However now a whole whack more people just got engaged, so next summer isn't looking much better!

- Finished up my summer job running the daycamp for underpriviledged kids. Twas a good summer! The kids were (for the most part) pretty good! Very little police involvement, and no SWAT team!

- I got a puppy! Toby is now five and a half months old, a Golden Retriever, and amazing!! Pics to follow.

- I'm still at home with BabyBoy, who is doing amazing!! He's a fabulous little boy!

- I'm starting courses, planning on starting back to college/ university in September 2011 for Social Work with a minor in Culinary Arts!

That's pretty much all the major stuff that has been going on! Still living in a little hole-in-the-wall town where nothing happens! Which is alright for the present.

Well, I think that's it! Talk soon!

- Mhea

Always loved, Never forgotten.

2009-08-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

One year holds so many things...

Smiles... Laughs... Problems... Solutions... Sunny Days.. Chilly Nights... Travelling.. Birthdays... Anniversaries.. Holidays...

So many things make up a year. So many things happen. And you don't realize how many little things you take for granted, until you lose someone close. You don't realize how much you miss the little conversations, the constant annoying msn messages and the consistant nose butting into our lives.

You don't realize how much changes, how much this single event, this one person leaving your everyday routine will change you. How when once you were patient, forgiving and open, you find yourself frustrated, angry and harsh. When the silliest reminders make you cry, and feel like your heart is breaking all over again.

One year. But seems like a million.

Love...

2009-08-04T22:46:00.001-04:00

Growing up, I never had a real urge to get married. I want kids, but have never wanted what I considered the hassle of a husband. I never really could grasp the concept of real, true love. I saw fairy tale love which I considered a sham from the first. I'd seen too many broken relationships to fall for such foolishness, even though in a dark corner of my heart, I longed for it to be true.

Sounds ridiculous, but in the back of my mind I've always had the notion that we have a type of family curse. Not too many women in my family have survived one marriage, most making it through at least two or three. I've always had a thought in the back of my mind that I don't want to go through that kind of hurt.

But then something happened. No, I didn't meet his eyes across the room and know that true love exits. This isn't even about a boy, or at least my boy. This is about two people I hold close to my heart. A dear friend of mine, Katrina, and by extension, her new husband, Levi.

When I found out they were to be engaged, I was surprised! Time flies and I hadn't really realized how long they had been together! When I was talking to Katrina, I only had one question, and being as I didn't know Levi, nor had seen them together, I think it was fair. "Do you love him?". Katrina's answer was a resounding "DO I?!"- and coming from Katrina, that is all I needed. I was instantly happy for her.

She knew my feelings on marrying young, how I thought people were getting married too young, and not giving themselves time for adventure and to enjoy their youth. She maintained that she was still going to have adventures, and what's better than to enjoy them with the person you love most in the whole world?! I can't argue with that!

Then I saw a picture of theirs, an engagement photo. They are both under an umbrella, and looking at one another. They both look so happy, so in love, so blissful. The love that shines there is unlike what I have ever seen before Mature. Giving. Selfless.

Then, the wedding. I must tell you, she looked radiant. Absolutely stunning. And they looked amazing together! The way they looked at each other was- well, there was no other word for it than epic. The love that shone from their faces was so pure.. so unhindered.. so.. amazing.

Now they are off on a VERY extended honeymoon, three months or more travelling around France, Europe and heaven knows where else! Katrina is certainly getting her adventure!

I shan't lie. They have definitely laid all of my past doubts about marriage to rest. When you see them with one another, I think it might be worth the risk..

So here's to Katrina and Levi, long may your love last.

<3> Mhea

why the need??

2009-07-23T07:39:00.002-04:00

I was raised in a Christian home. I grew up with the mindset of most Christians. The shallow, religious Sunday School answers, and not really diving fully into what my faith really means. When my mom was killed, well, even before that when I was diagnosed with depression, I started questioning. I stopped going to church for quite awhile, and just became numb to the whole thing.

Fellow 'Christians' became drama seekers, and a pain in my ass. They all want the inside scoop, and would judge and gossip about my family and I. Not something I want to deal with.

Lately I've begun going back to church and to a Bible Study to make people around me know that I'm not a heathen, and am trying to make an effort. But it pisses me off! These little brats sit there all high and mighty judging me, yet not questioning their own faith.

Yesterday I was told that the definition of sin is the nature of humans. I fully disagree. I believe that sin is a word, thought or action which would be in opposition with what God wants.

I was also told that a certain percentage is destined for Heaven, and the rest for Hell. I personally think that is bullshit. I believe that if you are 'good' in your deeds, and aren't loving towards people, you judge and discriminate, then you aren't exactly following God's laws either!

Last week I was told that all things can be done through prayer if you just believe. And if it doesn't work, you don't really believe. Bahhhhh...

Then they had 15 minutes for prayer time. Well, I'm sorry but God and I are on a break, we really aren't speaking at the moment. So don't ask me too pray for the group/ in front of the group/ with the group. Trust me. I have my reasons, and they are pretty damn good ones too.

I don't know if I can continue attending! It frustrates me to no end! If we disagree with something, they just throw out another Bible verse, that has nothing to do with the situation, time period etc.

They like picking apart every word of the Bible when it has been translated from another language, one that has twice as many words than the english language. Grrrrrrrr...

"The greatest turnoff to christianity everywhere is christians themselves." - my favourite quote on the matter.

Ok, I'm off to work. Have a good one all :)

<3> Mhea

Tired...

2009-07-16T16:10:00.002-04:00

Tis summer.. and to some, that means sitting back, relaxing, and taking in the fresh air. For me it means 35 kids, one coworker, a constant headache and a surprising desire for liquor.

I'm running a daycamp for low income housing kids. They are good kids, and have so much potential, however because of their lot in life, acting out is common- in a big way. Every day I get home and flop down, ready for bed. The emotional drain these kids take outta you is insane! This is my third year doing this job, so I know most of the parents and kids. Doesn't make it any easier. Every day I wonder why I'm doing this. And then a child comes up and says that I'm their favourite, or that they love me, or just gives me a hug, and I remember.

These kids just need love. They need a firm caring hand. Sometimes its hard to not get carried away and get frustrated (I'll admit I'm guilty of that in a big way!) but they really just need someone there to listen, to care.

I keep having to remind myself of this. Even if I can help one child, my summer will be worth it.

People ALWAYS leave.

2009-06-10T14:38:00.003-04:00

I have a theory...

People always leave. It's a rule. And sometimes I forget that.. and I let myself get too close to someone, or know too much about me.. and it always bites me in the ass.

When I used to have bffs, I'd never tell them too much about me.. I'd keep it so we were always talking about them.. it was better that way.. what they don't know can't hurt me. Ever.

So the bffs I thought I had need to go. Clearly trust is something I've become a lil too free with.

Friends.. friends are good.. not too personal.. its a good thing.. I need to go back to having friends.. and only friends..

bffs are of the past my friends.. of the past..

I think part of my anger and frustration with everything stems from my mom's anniversary of her death. Since then I've constantly been pissy and bitchy. and Definitely okay wiht it. I dont wanna deal with any more bullshit. I may or may not have started redirecting that anger at my friend... ugh.. I am my biggest downfall..

My Enemy

2009-06-07T07:55:00.003-04:00

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy.

I sabotage the best things in my life

In fear of the worst.

I refuse to get hurt

By anyone, ever.

If I think there's that chance,

It's goodbye forever.

I will not cry

Over anyone or thing.

I'll stay strong for me

It's all I can do

I am my biggest downfall

I am my own worst enemy.

Angel girl

2009-06-06T08:33:00.001-04:00

Halo..

I never promised you a ray of light

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday

I'll give you everything I have The good the bad...

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below

So help me down, you've got it wrong

I don't belong there

[Chorus]

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn't say so

You wouldn't say so if you were me

I always said that I would make mistakes

I'm only human and that's my saving grace

I fall as hard as I try

So don't be blinded

See me as I really am

I have flaws and sometimes I even sin

So pull me from that pedestal,

I don't belong there One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

but standing from here

you wouldn't say so...

The Fruit Game

2009-06-05T07:22:00.001-04:00

Back at camp, one of the ways that we girls would bond would be through playing the fruit game. We'd assign a fruit to each of the guys based on attributes,

Mango

Definately an acquired taste. When you first meet them, you aren't too sure about them. After awhile, you decide, and either love em, or hate em. They have a solid core, are sweet, and somewhat mushy. You have to catch them at the right time, and can get messy unless handled properly. They are not also not too bad looking.

Red Delicious

Good looking on the outside, it hides many bruises. Egos tend to be a problem with RDs. Looking like a million bucks, they are often disappointing.

Avacado

Somewhat odd looking, a little strange. An acquired taste- at first you really aren't sure about them. Even if you don't like them, you still have to admit that there's something different about them you have to give them props for. Solid core, slightly mushy.

Pear

They are the most feminine of all guys. Whether it be gay or metro, pear is where they are at. no real core, very soft.

Strawberry

Wears their innermost emotions on their sleeve. Sweet, unassuming, but can sometimes be sour. The kind of guy that makes you feel better when you are having a crappy day.

Macintosh

A typical all-canadian guy. Well liked by all, good looking, funny, sweet, kind, mischievous. Manages to be typical, yet original.

It's just a little fun for a friday morning!

<3> Mhea

Friends and the way we move..

2009-06-04T09:01:00.002-04:00

Me- I can almost guarantee you that you will not have the same friends as you have now in 10 years.

Sis O- Yes I will! I'll be friends with them FOREVER.

Me- Friends, yes. But not as close as you are with them now.

Sis O- why?!

Me- Because as friends grow, they choose different paths. And then they find new friends that are on that path.

She didn't believe me. I didn't believe my mom either after she told me that my friends and I won't be friends in 20 years. I was convinced we'd all still be best friends. As it were, I don't talk to any of them. I figured through high school, when we'd all leave, we'd all still be sooo tight! Fact is, I'm not super tight with anyone really from high school. Now camp is another story. My best friends are the ones I met at camp. I'm still friends with all of them still after years.

In general I think I'm afraid to get too close to anyone because I know that eventually they'll just leave. Whether it's to actually move to get a job, or go to school. Or if they get a new boyfriend, and their whole world suddenly revolves around this new love interest. Or even if they get married. Life changes. And I don't like it! I'm selfish, I know. And I know that people are going to move on with their lives.

<3> Mhea

Weddings = a political pain in the ass.

2009-06-03T09:15:00.000-04:00

With all the buzz about weddings, I've come to realize that there is a huge element of politics just in choosing your bridal party. So, I've decided to see just what my own wedding party would look like.

So, if I had to decide on my bridal party right this moment, it would be as follows:

Maid of Honour- Lola

Bridesmaid #1- Petra

Bridesmaid #2- Femke

Jr. Bridesmaid #1- Sister M

Jr. Bridesmaid #2- Sister O

Ringbearer would CLEARLY be my BabyBoy

The first three are really my best friends. I've already been told, not asked that I'll be MOH for Femke, and, although she's only been dating her new boy for 6 months, I've already met the best man..

Now that I think about it, I can understand why so many people have so many bridesmaids! There's still Hannah, my friend since birth, Steph my best girl from Edmonton, my sister Shannon, Melissa, and thats just the start! All would be horribly disappointed if I didn't have them in my wedding.

But then, there are just as much politics in who to INVITE to the wedding. Where do you draw the line?! Do you include everyone on your facebook list? Do you keep it to close friends and family? If so, what about those close friends that you just suck at keeping in touch with?!

See?! As if there weren't enough worries with the wedding itself, and the marriage itself, you have to add all this other stress.

I've come up with the best 2 choices, as far as I can see.

1) A beach wedding. Anyone who wants to come, feel free! Dance and DJ, BBQ to follow. :) HOW FUN?! Minimal stress, still beautiful.

2) Destination Wedding. Your favourite ppls and you in the Carribean, celebrating your big day?! I'm so down!

As for the wedding party.. well.. I'm not getting married.. so I can only pity those who are.. ha!!

<3> Mhea

Madamoiselle Me at your service..

2009-06-02T08:22:00.000-04:00

Ever since I was little, I've been that person. That person who listens to everyone about everything. That person who knows what's going on with everyone's lives. That person who will go to the grave with anything you've told me.

I've been that person that will listen and nod, give a hug and a smile.

I've been that person who doesn't judge, doesn't get fed up with people's repetitive bullshit.

A few examples. Young man I worked with when I was 15, just lost his mom 2 or 3 months earlier. When it happened, he clammed up and wouldn't talk to anyone. At all. We are sitting there in the sandbox playing with the 2 and 3 year olds and he starts telling me the whole story about how he found his mother dead. I had no clue WHAT to say. So, I didn't say anything.. I just let him talk.. Well, this apparently opened the door for his sister to tell me her side of the story.. And from there.. it just continued.

I had so many girls in high school asking for me and my mom's help when they thought they were pregnant. I'd be called out of class to peer mediate group issues.

That's what kind of girl I've been. The one that is always here to listen. And just smile. But I'm sick of the same girls thinking they are pregnant 4 times in 3 months and not learning their lesson. I'm sick of hearing the same sob story about the same guy who broke her heart 3 times but 'he's changed'. I'm sick of how utterly stupid people are. I don't know how to deal with them anymore without having a major freakout on their heads. I find myself pulling away from them all.

Patience is something I lack at the moment, and I don't know how to get more of. Maybe I just need to take a break from all of the crap in everyone else's lives.

<3> Mhea

one year goes by too fast

2009-06-01T08:30:00.002-04:00

Saturday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. Harsh to remember everything. The fam and I went over to African Lion Safari. It's essentially a zoo you drive through. Lions come up to your car, Monkeys sit on your roof and side mirrors. You can ride an elephant. It's awesome. The GREATEST experience ever. BabyBoy had a blast, freaking out over all the animals. On the way, we picked up a backpack carrier for him, so he spent the day chilling in that on my back, and then my dad's. THE BEST creation of life. He loves it, I love it. It's wonderful.

BabyBoy rode an elephant, he absolutely LOVED it. All in all, a good enough day all things considering. Maybe later I'll share some memories and such. For right now, BabyBoy needs some attention.

<3> Mhea

Not forgotten...

2009-05-25T09:54:00.002-04:00

Dearest Blog,

I've done it again. I've neglected you. Ignored you. Rejected you for other things.

I apologize.

Its not you.. its me. Really.. I'll be back soon.. I promise. I just... need a little time to figure me out..

I'll call you ok?

<3> Mhea

Random Thought.. Me x10

2009-05-06T10:19:00.000-04:00

'It makes you all that you can be.

It makes you tenfold on the outside,

what you are on the inside!'

~ Bartok the Magnificent

This is a quote from a cartoon I was watching with BabyBoy and it got me thinking. In the movie, the witch Baba Yaga has Bartok, a little bat, help her create this potion which will make him all that he can be. However, the prince's evil caretaker drinks it instead, she turns into a dragon, when she was assuming she'd become even MORE beautiful, MORE desired.

So if I had this magic potion, what would I become? Would I become a dragon? Spewing fire and frightening everyone around me? Would I become an ugly evil witch?! Would I become a beautiful butterfly? Who knows? I guess it's something to think about..

If you were you x 10.. what would you turn into? what would YOU be?

Holidays..

2009-05-05T09:03:00.000-04:00

Spring Break 2004- Cruise to Eastern Carribean

Christmas 2008- Cruise to Western Carribean

Reading Week 2009- Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

Summer 2009 Trip- Cedar Point, Cleveland and NYC

Christmas 2009 Trip- Puerto Vallerta, Mexico

Reading Week 2010- Panama

Summer 2010 Trip- Las Angeles, California

Winter 2011 Trip-

Summer 2011 Trip- South Africa

Winter 2012 Trip- Cruise

Summer 2012 Trip- Backpacking through Europe

Trust- my story

2009-04-01T10:32:00.005-04:00

I USED to have trust issues. Not to mention rejection issues that have stemmed from nothing but my own stupidity. I shall explain.

My mom married a man who had a 6 year old daughter. They had me. They divorced. He took my sister and I didn't see her again for 13 years. I haven't seen him since. a year and a half after he left, my mom met my dad. Seven months later they were married. He adopted me. The sperm donor did nothing to stop this. Which is fine, I mean- I've been blessed with the best Dad I could ever ask for- minus that crap last year of course, but who doesn't make mistakes?

Anyways, my parents had 3 more kids, and they were my sibs. I grew up with them, and know them. That's cool. But then my sperm donor went and got married to a woman who is only 3 years older than my sister (EW) who had a 4 year old daughter. He accepted her as part of their family and they had another little girl 3 years ago just a few days before my birthday. Now, that's fine with me. Everytime this happens, my sister calls and says "Good news! We have more organs for transplant on order!" This cracks me up. But that's not the point. Point is, he had 4 'daughters' introduced to his life. He chose them all but me. Which took me a long time to get over.

I just have issues trusting anyone enough to let them get close. I have a few close friends, and I know a whole lot more about all my other friends than they know about me. I keep distanced so that I don't feel the need to divulge too much info about myself. Maybe I'm afraid of them using it against me.

Trust is a brutal thing. Opening yourself up for hurt and disaster. I guess we can only hope that we are trusting the right ones.

*note- these are past feelings.. I've gotten over all of this and am VERY grateful for the wonderful father I have now.. :) **

Trust..

2009-03-28T16:47:00.000-04:00

Trust is
such a leap of faith...shown
Trust is
such a weary state...grown

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

I've put up with floods...cleansing me
i've put up with tragedy... teaching me
i've put up with hunger...you're not feeding me
i've put up with this shit
burdened on an already imperfect and troubled soul

Now i'm fed up
with it all
you make me and break me
give me and take from me
push me then pull me
damn me and love me
and all you ask for is...

Trust...why don't you come down
and make a believer out of me
This cynical, untrustworthy
being of your doing

-Zane Stott

I love this poem. Somebody I have great respect for wrote this, and it's just absolutely phenomenal. I just thought I'd share it with you :) Have a good day!

If I could take my life to the computer repair guy...

2009-03-27T10:12:00.000-04:00

Some days, I wonder at how much easier life would be if it could have an easy fix. Something is wrong.. you take it to someone.. like.. the computer repair guy..

"Excuse me sir?"

"Hello! How can I help you??"

"Well, as you can see, my life is acting up again. I've run virus scans, tried specialists, I just don't understand what's wrong!"

"Well, why don't we take a closer look?? Aha! I see you're problem. Why don't you leave it with me tonight and you can pick it up first thing in the morning. I'll take care of everything. We'll get you fixed up in no time!"

See?! See how easy that would be?! You could have buttons and commands too!

Restart- you could restart that day.

Memory/ Data Recovery- get back everything you've forgotten.

Virus Scan- would tell you exactly what is wrong with you!

Shut Down- would be very helpful on nights you can't get to sleep.

SHIFT-TAB- would let you go back a little bit.

SHIFT- would let you skip over a bit, which could be helpful in case of arguments, and such

Mute- OH! What I wouldn't give for a mute button. Shut myself up when I'm about to say something I'll regret, or shut everyone else up when I need some down time.

Of course, then you run into issues with the CONTROL Q buttons :S.

How epic would it be if we could just have our lives completely fixed and brought back to us? Where life wouldn't be so damn hard.

I know. I wish.

But hey, a girl can dream right?

Hope Chest

2009-03-26T12:30:00.000-04:00

After the accident, I really appreciate more. Yes, family and such, but also heirlooms and things that were my mothers. I have a quilt my great grandmother made, my grandmothers charm bracelet, various pieces of crystal, quilts, my great grandmothers red rose figurines, teacups that go back in our family etc. And no place to put them. I'm thinking of having a family chest made. That will go to my eldest daughter, and to her eldest and so on. But I was wondering what else I would put in this chest.

Now I know I'm only 21, and having slightly morbid thoughts, but I think about what if I did get married, and had kids, and then passed away before seeing them through their childhood? What could I possibly leave behind as a momento of me? I know that I'm very young to be thinking of this, especially since children aren't even close to being in my near future.

Even if nothing happens to me, wouldn't it be neat to have letters to my kids from my perspective now? Either way, if something happened to me, it'd be leaving a piece of myself, a way to be able to have my kids still know me, if anything were to happen. I think I'm going to do that. Write letters, give advice as I find it out for myself. I don't keep a journal, only my thoughts on here. So maybe this would be a good way of letting them know me better later on. Heaven knows I don't know that much about my mom's life before I came along.

If nothing else, it'll be one more thing to add to the box of my family's past.

Dreams.. Nightmares.. Sleep no more..

2009-03-25T11:52:00.002-04:00

I've discussed my dreams here, and how usually I have lucid dreams. But lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I've been having horrible nightmares. Nightmares that terrorize me to the point of not wanting to close my eyes at night. Not dreams of monsters chasing me, but of not being able to save her. The situation changes every time. Drowning, fire, earthquake. In every case, I know what's going to happen, and I know that she's going to die. But I try to save her. And it seems that she gives up. And no matter what I do, I can't. I can't save her. No matter how I struggle and try, I never win. I understand what's happening and what's going to happen. But usually in my lucid dreams I can change the outcome. Not here. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep, I rest. I know there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. And I don't really understand why I'm having them. All I know is that they won't stop.

I can dive deeper into the psychology of it. Maybe I feel responsible. Maybe I blame her. Maybe I think she didn't fight. Well, that's all bull. So seeing a counselor isn't gonna do anything for me. Talking it out isn't going to do anything other than bring up memories I'd sooner forget.

I think I need a heavier dose of sleep meds. I think that'll clear this RIGHT up. :)

My Hometown.. A Walk down Memory Lane

2009-03-22T18:26:00.006-04:00

So, I grew up in a small town.. figured I'd share a bit about it..

Below is the house I grew up in.. Has a lot of good memories.. I took these pics today, and I was horrified at how much of a dump it's become.. but.. such is life..

This was the school I went to in Kindergarten..

This was the variety store (the only one in town) that we used to go to to get penny candy, and ice cream.. plus all our movie rentals.. back then, there was noo lcbo

The horse stable I used to help out at ..

Below is the fence which scraped me up multiple times. This is where I learnt to ride a bike.. :S .. and bled.. multiple times.. lol

In those trees, waay in back, the kids of Melbourne used to have a fort. We'd all meet up, and we'd rolled in old tires and such.. it was pretty sweet..

So.. that was my old town in pictures :) hope you enjoyed your stay.. cuz as much as I enjoyed my time there, thank God I got out when I did!!!

So! I met the Girlfriend.. in the flesh..

2009-03-21T17:31:00.002-04:00

So, on Thursday I met Dad's new girlfriend Stacey. She actually was pretty awesome. My decision to not like her lasted all of three seconds when confronted face to face. I also met her four boys. They are pretty awesome as well. Which I'm more than a little surprised about. I was convinced that if I liked Stacey, the least I could do is NOT like her kids. That would give me more than enough reason to not condone this relationship. As it were, I had a great time! The oldest son and I got along really well, and we had quite a bit to talk about which was nice. And her kids are genuinely happy that she has someone that makes her happy.

Although, Dad and Stace act like they are in high school. Jumping all over one another, trying to take each other down, Ben (her son) and I would just grin and roll our eyes. It was good to see him happy with someone I actually approved of. Ya, thats right. Approved of. I never said I wasn't a bitch.

Anyways, jokes were flying all over the place when it was just me and her three oldest boys talking.

"Can you imagine if something serious happened between them (our parents)?? Von Trapp family singers part 2!"

"Jon & Kate plus 8 would have NOTHing on us!"

"We could have our own version of Yours Mine and Ours!!"

Oh man, it was some good times. I was glad that the boys weren't too young. And Stace wasn't all over BabyBoy. Although her boys are all in love with him. (Who can blame them? my lil man is amazing.) So all in all, thumbs up to my Dad. He'd be in real kaka if he'd picked another one I didn't approve of!

Dad's Newest GF??

2009-03-12T11:23:00.003-04:00

So, Dad's got a new lady friend.

As you know, I was SO not a fan of the last one, mostly because of the way it all happened, but that's over now. Now we have Stacey! Now, I don't exactly know the extent of their relationship. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and see each other enough considering she lives three hours away, but you know what? I'm okay with it. I like Stacey.

I like pro/con lists. So here goes.

Pros-

She didn't come off as only interested in BabyBoy, which is a major plus. She woulda been SO outta there if she had. You wanna be a part of this family?! you take the WHOLE family. Suck it up.
She's 2 years OLDER than Dad which is sooo much less weird than 15 years older than me. I don't want any frickin Gilmore Girls Loralei stepmom. Nuh uh. Not gonna happen.
She's made a decision to keep in touch with all the kids. She facebooks, sends cards, talks on the phone. It seems like we aren't an inconvenience like it did with dad's last one.
She's really sweet! At first I made the decision to not like her, pretty much cuz I'm a bitch, but dude, if you've talked to this woman, you can't not like her. It's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she's a frickin angel posing as a human.

Cons-

She lives 3 hours away
She has 4 boys. FOUR! all younger than me.. Now I might be jumping the gun here.. But dude. If anything ever super happened between dad and her? I'd be toast. Seriously. I can't even handle one teenage brother. Oy.

Anywhoozle, I'm meeting her face to face next week. Wonder how that'll go.

A Note to my Siblings.

2009-03-06T06:56:00.000-05:00

To my beloved siblings.. without you, I'd have so much more time in my day to do so many more important things.

I want to share an epiphany I've had with you. The dishwasher does not load itself. Leaving your dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher does not count as putting your dishes away. Laundry does not fold itself. If doing laundry implies mixing up which baskets are clean, and which ones are dirty, and then walking away, SUCCESS! The bathroom does not get cleaned by itself. Those hair products, toothpaste blobs and facial hair covering the countertop do not magically disappear!! Dinner does not cook itself. If you know of a fairy that makes dinner magically appear, why haven't you introduced us?! In the meantime, don't complain! You don't like it, don't eat!

To my brother, if you think that the best way to be able to use my car is to piss me off completely, I'm afraid you are horribly mistaken! Treating me and the rest of the family like shit is not the best way to show off your obvious maturity. And please, when I tell you that you are grounded from it, it doesn't mean that you can take it anyways. Please, I beg you! try it. See how far you get before being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle.

To my sisters, please. Try to keep the mood swings to a minimum. Keeping up with the two of you is giving me whiplash. Between a 13 year old who thinks she's 30 and a 16 year old who is prone to outbursts, there are some days I don't know how you are going to make it through the day!

To my babyboy, you are so cute! I love you kiddo!

Signed,

Your Slave of a Sister,

Mhea aka Cinderella

Birthdays..

2009-03-05T08:05:00.004-05:00

Well, yesterday was essentially rather uneventful. I cleaned in the morning, my Grama brought me lunch, some friends of my dad's came over to visit him in the aft, then we played 10 000, ate dinner, had melted ice cream cake (I'm SO sick of ice cream cake. I'm definitely more of an angel food cake kind of person), I opened my cards, looked at the messages from my last bday from my mom, bawled for four hours, and then fell asleep to Return to Me, which my mom and I used to watch together every year on my birthday.

And, the waterworks start again. Geez.

I hate birthdays. I cannot ever really remember a great one. For example.

21 bday- first bday without my mom- enough said.

20 bday- I was in Edmonton, in bed, recooping from my car accident, begging my mom to let me come home.

19 bday- Depression ruled- hid away from the world in my cave of a room in University

18 bday- My mom almost died in the hospital after complications from a surgery

And it keeps going. Bdays are highly overrated, and I would do well to remember that. I love other people's birthdays, mine just do not bring memories I want to keep reliving.

How Lucky I Am..

2009-03-04T09:27:00.002-05:00

So, I've been reflecting on today, the day on which I turn 21, the day where I'm a legal adult all over the world, on how lucky I am to have been born in a country like Canada. There are so many countries I could have been born in, so many families I could have been born into that wouldn't have given me even a fraction of the quality of life I've enjoyed these past 21 years.

I could have been born in a third world country, where every day is a fight to live. Instead I enjoy unnecessary comforts and still sometimes am selfish enough to complain there isn't enough.

I could have been born in a country under a dictatorship, where rights are something of a myth. Instead I live in the land of the free, where I have the right to do as I wish, and express myself freely.

I could have been born to a single mother, who works two jobs and sees us for an hour a day. Instead I was born to two loving parents, a mother that stayed at home to teach me the things that ultimately made me what I am today, and which will get me somewhere in life.

I could have been born to an abusive father, and spent my days hiding in a closet. Instead I was given an amazing father who actually chose me, and has been the best Dad I could ask for.

I could have been born to a family that could not give me the same opportunities for my future. Instead, I have been blessed with multiple opportunities, with few limitations.

So, on this day, my first birthday without my mother here, I'm attempting to be grateful for all of the blessings in my life.

Recognizing a Blessing..

2009-02-28T08:43:00.002-05:00

There are certain things in life I take for granted. Health, security, roof over my head. People are another thing I take for granted, that I really shouldn't. I've realized that there are certain people in life that touch you in a way you will never forget.

Yesterday, I visited my old high school. I went to pick up my transcripts, since I am applying back to university for the fall. I try to go back once every three or four months, just to see old teachers and the chaplain, people I spent four years of my life with everyday, and became like family. Now, I'm not saying I had some weird relationship with all my teachers, nor did I go to a boarding school. I had my parents, and my sibs, but at that point in my life I feel like my family was more of an obligation than the people I depended on most.

I was a floater in high school. I had 4 distinct, constant groups of friends. I wasn't the type of person to stay in one place for very long. The only thing that remained the same is that I was a Jr. TA in the Special Education classroom. Two wonderful ladies taught this class, and I got to know them very well. Especially Mrs. Roy.

Mrs. Roy was about my mother's age. Her daughter graduated with me. She ran cheerleading, and wasn't afraid to tell you what she really thought. She was like a second mom to me. I talked to her about all my problems. I shared all my triumphs, joys. I told her about my crushes, about the drama I was dealing with in certain groups of friends. She is the one person that knew pretty much everything that was going on in my life. Everytime I see her, she gives me a hug, and holds on a few seconds extra, just to let me know she's there. When I say goodbye, she flashes me the sign language sign for I love you. I know that she cares. When I graduated, the only time is when she gave me a hug and told me how proud she was of me. She is a wonderful person, and I would not be who I am today without her.

Dreams

2009-02-27T07:22:00.007-05:00

Dreams are more real than reality itself,

they're closer to the self.

~Gao Xingjian

Dreams have always been a funny thing with me. When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare, where the huge monster dude from the 'Great Ewok Adventure', was chasing my friends and I, who were all apparently all girl scouts, through a terror stricken city. Hopping over debris, bolting through pipes, trying not to get eaten. I'd wake up in cold sweats, usually crying when I was really young. After a few years of having this dream, it started to change. I started to realize at the beginning of the dream what was happening, and started to lead my group. Then my sisters were suddenly apart of our girl scouts group, and the need to protect them was overwhelming. That's when I started to control my dreams.

I believe they are called lucid dreams. Pretty much, I was able to decide that it was MY dream so what I said goes. And that's what happened. Every dream I had, I was able to control the outcome. My nightmares became comedies.

But lately, since my mom was killed, I haven't been able to do that. Recurring dreams of the day I found out, seeing her lying in the coffin, my baby brother lying in his hospital bed with tubes sticking out all over him, looking so small. My baby brother looking at me in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. My heart breaks everytime. And I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it. I can only watch, feeling utterly helpless.

I also dream about weird things. For instance, when we were in the DR, we met this couple from Newfoundland. The woman was about 46 I'd say, and just seemed like the ultimate woman. She was tanned, happy, smiling eyes, and full of advice. She was pretty awesome! So every few nights since then, if I need any advice on anything, she's there, we are at a lake where the lake is frozen over, but we are tanning on the beach, and she gives me advice on everything. Super weird.

And when I don't think I can take the sad dreams anymore, there's a recurring dream of one of my closest friends from highs school. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in years, he comes over, sits down besides me, and holds me. Just saying 'I love you' over and over. And I've never felt so safe.

So now I wonder what tonight will bring.

The Real Me

2009-02-26T07:34:00.003-05:00

I wrote a little bit here about my lack of confidence. However, I don't think I truly relayed the extent of my feelings.

I realized that my life in general is a lot like a well edited, revamped essay. Or at least what everyone else sees. For some crazy reason, they all see me as a cool, confident, smart young woman. Apparently I'm 'awesome fun' and a 'wonderful me'. My old friends/ acquaintances from high school thought that I was extremely smart. This coming from people that I thought were absolute genius'. I never even thought I was smart. I knew I could do it, I just was too lazy to put the work in. They all think I'm so sure of myself, I'm not afraid of doing anything, which is partially true. I tend not to turn down dares, can get me in trouble sometimes.

Ok, I am not trying to glorify myself, or give myself an ego boost. I'm just trying to portray what everyone else apparently sees in me, compared to what I see of myself.

People see me as calm, cool and collected, whereas in my head, its like a thunderstorm, tornado and the Tazmanian Devil decided to camp out for the last twenty-one minus six days years. My mind is a scary place. What people hear and see from me has been thought through multiple times and picked as the best idea from all the rest. My whole life is a constant question. Did I say this right? I hope no one saw me trip back there!

People that say I'm confident are cracked because I have a rock the size of both my fists hovering permanently in the center of my chest. It's fear. Fear I'll be rejected. Fear that people might look at me and just say, 'what a joke'. Fear that I'm a friend as a favour, more than because that's what they want. That they won't like the 'real me'. I wonder if my friends from high school, who ask me to go clubbin with them every weekend do it out of actual care or from a feeling of obligation, however everytime I do go, their faces light up. But there's still that doubt sitting in the back of my mind.

Which might be why I enjoyed the DR so much. With regards to the guys, you are chased after, a 'wanted commodity'. And yes, I just objectified women. But being chased after every other minute is a huge confidence booster. We were the ones doing the rejecting. Very sweetly mind you. Plus, everyone is on vacation high. We were the life of the party one night, and after that, I was being called over to join groups doing shots, or just to talk. Ooh! Feeling loved. And stupid since I was slightly intoxicated when I met them and couldn't remember any of their names. But that's besides the point. That has more to do with Erasme's love for making us strong drinks and shots so we'll stay and flirt. I could be me with no worries.

The only reason I'll do anything, is because I say I don't care what other people think. Other people being those outside my group of friends. So, as 'proof', I'll be the first one to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if they are related to a friend of mine, because they look so much alike! Or whatever comes up, I'm usually the girl to do it.

On the outside, I've taken a very que sera sera kind of approach to life. What will be will be. At least to the big things. No point in worrying about something that you can do nothing about. In general, with things like death and such, I take that view. There is no point worrying about death, because it happens to all of us, and you don't know when it will strike. My mother was much too young, but it happened, I guess it was just her time. Who knows? This could be my last blog post. A gas leak, a tornado, struck by lightning, drive by shooting (okay, a bit of a stretch for Seaforth). Point being, no point in worrying about that stuff. It's the little things that stresses me.

I've been working on not being so hard on myself, trying to see me through the eyes of others. It's weird to see that the people that I look up to so much, actually look up to me in even bigger ways! I guess this is all just one more step in getting to know myself.

An adult?! I'm not ready for this!

2009-02-25T13:00:00.002-05:00

So.. It just hit me that in one week, I turn 21. A legal adult all over the world. I know, I'm just a baby. But I don't wanna get older! I feel like I haven't experienced my childhood completely yet!! I know, it's lame to complain, but all my friends are getting married, having babies, and I feel like we are just getting started! I wanna go back to when we all would make plans for trips, and wedding dates/ honeymoons/ babies didn't impede on our dreaming. I wanna go back to when we didn't have all the responsibilities of life.

The only thing that makes everything okay is that we met a woman in the DR who was from Newfoundland and told us that life BEGINS when you are 40. So, I guess 21 isn't too bad of a birthday.. I'm still slightly freaking out thou. See? I'm still a big baby. I'm not ready for this! Can I just skip my birthday? It can be like any other day! mm.. that could work! Forever 20.. interesting :P

Child vs. Adulthood

2009-02-24T08:07:00.001-05:00

Childhood is wasted on the young, while adulthood is wasted on the old. (er).

- Me!

I came up with this little revelation while watching 13 Going on 30 over at Lola's this weekend. It got me thinking about how ridiculous it is that we spend our entire life either wanting to be older, or wishing we could be younger again.

Childhood is wasted on the young.

I'm only 20, so I still probably don't know this to the same extent that the older generations do, but I definitely feel like youth today, including myself do not take advantage of the opportunities available to us. If I were able to go back and relive my life knowing what I know now, I'd do everything differently. Not to fix mistakes, but to live life to the fullest. Life is too short to just let it pass you by. I would have loved more, I wouldn't have dwelt in other people's mistakes/ decisions.

Adulthood is wasted on the old. (er).

Jaded. Motononous droning. Adjectives that describe a good many people's lives when they are older. They are all too worried about bills, jobs, politics, whatever to enjoy the freedom that comes with aduthood. Kids see life as what it is, a playground, however are roped in by adults. For their own protection of course. But we could take a lesson from them. When living life as a monotonous drone, what's the point? If your days all blend together, why bother? Children see the brilliance of a new day. The potential of a minute. Adults live by the ticking of a clock. Children live by moments of joy.

Hola!

2009-02-23T10:05:00.004-05:00

mmm.. I feel so spoiled! I just got back from my week at the Breezes Superclub in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. It was fantastic! I swam with dolphins, got tanned (in FEBRUARY!), met a kazillion people, and felt completely violated in every way! All in all, a very satisfying vacay.

Oy.. someone should have warned us that two young women, alone, going to the DR is just a recipe for trouble. Between the bartenders, servers, the merchants in town, tour guides and bus drivers, we definately now know what a piece of meat feels like.

We arrived on Friday, after a 6:30 am flight (ick), and pretty much chilled for the day. Saturday was spent by the pool, chilling with pina coladas and daquiris.. We also found out what a Dominican Double is. Its about 4 ounces of alcohol in a 6 ounce cup. Margueritas are bad news when made like this! That night was the Valentines day show. I'll post a video if I can figure it out of the games they were playing with couples.

Sunday we went to Sosua, where there was a 2 mile long flea market along the beach. It was pretty interesting.. Saw a lot of neat stuff.. got to drink a pina colada out of a pineapple which, was pretty much worth the trip. We were molested by the merchants, who wanted kisses and such in order for a cheaper price. A little sketchy. It was a pretty awesome day all around.. bought some pretty sweet souvenirs for my sibs. That night we went to the bar at the resort and got to know the bartenders. This pretty much set us up for awesome times for the rest of the week.

Monday we went to Oceanworld, which is similar to Seaworld. We swam with dolphins, hugged them, kissed them, danced with them, fed them.. The kissing was the worst. I was tasting fish for a half hour.. pleasant. The dolphin, Chiquita stuck her tongue in one guy's mouth.. it was pretty nasty. We saw sea lions, birds, white tigers, stingrays, sharks, pirhanas, but the Dolphins were definately my fav. That night was interesting. After apparently one too many shots, we sorta agreed to go dancing in town with 2 of the bartenders in Sosua for Wednesday. Dirty Dancing 3 anyone? We had a hell of a time getting outta that.. A little too sketchy for my tastes!

Tuesday we had another down day, pretty relaxing. It rained most of the day, so we sat in the hot tub, and took it all in. We met a cop from Jersey who pretty much was the most hilarious person I've ever met.

Wednesday we went out on a catamaran. It was awful. Six hours on a boat and I was sick for 5 and a half of them. It was awful. I, along with half the rest of the boat were leaning over a flipping bucket for the day. Terrible. That night we took it easy and went to bed early as to avoid running into anyone we didn't want to see.

Thursday was our last down day. We chilled, relaxed, and just enjoyed the last of the sun. That night we took it pretty easy as well.

Friday we came home.. a very sad day.. Leaving the land I love. I'd definitely recommend the resort. It was fabulous.

Ok, I promised myself I'd sketch out our week, and I did, so now I have to go get my life in order. Talk soon!

Ahhhh! One decision down, a million more to go!

2009-02-05T22:20:00.002-05:00

Well! I have applied back to university! :D Pending acceptance, I'll be taking a social work program! I'm slightly excited, slightly hyper-ventilating. I am the worlds GREATEST procrastinator. I can sit here and think of a million reasons why I should put off writing this post, and am actually writing this post to procrastinate so I don't have to clean my room. Look at this blog for instance! I write almost everyday for months, and then write MAYBE every week or so. I don't put the effort into things I should. I start things off with gusto, all good intentions of getting things done in a timely manner!.. and then.. the real Mhea comes back, and things get put off and forgotten for ridiculous amounts of time. And I really don't know how to change. I'm a professional procrastinator. I've been my whole life. And now I have to go back where there are books, essays, lectures, notes, group projects.. great.. and now I'm talking myself OUT of going. Bah. I just wanted to let you, the blogosphere community know that I, Mhea, am taking the INITIATIVE -ya, I do that sometimes- to move ahead. I am returning to school *tear*. Hopefully it goes better than it did last time :S. Peace!

Confident? pah! Confused? abso-freekin-lutely!!

2009-01-30T07:55:00.004-05:00

Living with my family in a little black hole in the middle of nowhere (I call it a black hole as it seems to suck all friends, fun and life in general out of me), I only see my friends on rare, random occasions. However, they all have a view of me. The same view as the newspapers took, and somehow every 'outsider' (anyone who isn't immediate family) takes. They all think I'm so confident. Confident. Me. Confident. WHAT?! They really don't know me at all. Everything I do I totally play out in my head to make sure nothing could go wrong. I'm second guessing everything I say and do. For some reason, they see me as a headstrong young woman who is 'going places'. Funny, when I look in the mirror I see a very confused young woman who doesn't know where she's going, with no self-confidence. I'm forever terrified of someone putting me down, because I do it enough to myself. Believe me! I don't need any help! I don't understand how people look at me, and see the complete opposite of what I feel.

Not to mention that just LIVING in my parents house, I constantly feel like Im 12 years old. All. The. Time. Like I'm supposed to be growing up, getting older, moving on, and I can't. I'm trapped in this world where I'm forever an immature kid.

That being said, I have decided to go back to university!! As of this september, I will once again become a full time student at one of our amazing Canadian Institutes of learning :D I'm going to become.. a Social worker!! :D I'm excited, but we'll see how it goes.. Last time it didn't go over so hot. Hopefully, this time it'll work out! :D

Ah well, right now I'm concentrating on my February trip to the Dominican Republic with my bestie Lola :D Have a good one all!

Impressed..

2009-01-26T09:19:00.002-05:00

High school.. something I experience over and over again when I go out on weekends to local the local bar/ club. In general, that aspect of going out is not something I enjoy. I'm not a fan of running into people I haven't seen since high school, and in all honesty, didn't really care to see ever again. However, thats besides the point.

In high school, as always, there were cliques. You got the Jocks, the Nerds, the 'Outcasts' (self- proclaimed), the Goths, the floaters.. and the Puck bunnies, or Gap girls as we called them. The jocks are the ones I'm going to discuss.

The jocks were the hockey players that seemed to coast through life on the coattails of people like me. People as they deem 'smart' and could use to their advantage.. and like every other non- gap girl in the school that they chose, I allowed it. I was annoyed about it, but, glad to be accepted by the more 'popular' group.

I graduated high school, glad to be rid of them forever. They went on to play in the CHL. I moved on to university. Then, on Saturday night, I saw one of them. The first I've seen since graduation. And he apologized. He apologized for everything. And he apologized that his friends were such pricks as well.. I was pleasantly surprised! and amazed.. and confused. But also impressed.

Not many people would take the initiative or time to go out of their way to apologize for something that happened so many years ago. And it's amazing how much animosity I was feeling for those boys. And it's amazing how those two words, 'I'm sorry' has taken it all away.. I've decided that there are a few advantages to growing up I suppose...

Tales from the Maid of Honour.. Part 1

2009-01-19T22:31:00.004-05:00

My entire weekend consisted of weddings. Not the weddings themselves, but books, websites, stores etc. Now, before everyone goes :O what?! you?! really?! no. I'm not getting married. Thank God. I'm a maid of honour this summer, and have at least 5 other friends getting married as well in July. Not cool. Apparently I'm in that age group where the cool thing to do is all get engaged at the same time.. fun.

But I digress. So. The bride-to-be has no clue what she wants, and told me it's all up to me so some friends and I go to the bridal store to get some ideas for bridesmaid dresses. I am SO not a dress kind of girl so imagine my distress when I realize I have to decide between strapless straight, strapless sweetheart, halter, spaghetti strap, etc. And then length! Cocktail? Tea? Long? or how about the cut? an overlay? crinolin? (or however you spell the damn thing) what material? heavier? lighter? full skirt? holy crap.

I used my friends as models, throwing multiple dresses at them to try on, while I took pics .. :D I think I know what I want now, which is awesome. But I came to a few realizations/ guidelines when buying a bridesmaid's dress...

1) The day is all about the bride. DON'T pick some over the top frilly, attention grabbing dress that's going to take the focus off her. I am going for something simple, sleek, and will compliment her dress.

2) DONT go with any colour thats too light. We were looking at pictures of weddings, and in some cases, you can't tell where the bride's dress ends, and the bridesmaids dresses begin. I think a stark difference is required. Again, it's all about the bride.

Bah. I have another 6 months of this stuff just for this wedding, and every time I turn around, someone else is getting engaged. Yikes. Be expecting a lot of ranting about weddings and preparations in the coming months. Sorry.. but at least I'm giving you advanced warning! :D

Dearest Blog...

2009-01-13T08:40:00.002-05:00

I know.. this is long over due.. No.. I haven't forgotten you... I just.. am at that point in my life. where all my thoughts, dreams and aspirations are in a jumble in my head.. and I'm having issues writing it all down.. I'll be back.. I promise.. I just need a little more time.. I just need to find my muse.. and I shall, my sweet friend.. I will..

Pics from my Cruise

2009-01-13T08:22:00.000-05:00

This christmas, we decided to take a cruise in the carribean to get away from the whole being at home business.. it would be too hard. So, we packed our bags and headed to the carribean! We boarded Saturday, at sea sunday, pulled into Mexico on Monday, Day at sea on tuesday, Wednesday in Grand Cayman, Thursday (Christmas) in Jamaica, Friday a day at sea and saturday we were back in Miami!

I love this picture.. the shadows and such just worked so well!!

The piano bar on the ship.. where we spent many a night, and many a drink with lots of fun new friends.. Belting out Margaritaville, attempting Bohemian Rhapsody.. Good times.. Good times..

This was in Mexico.. I took a pic of the neat store.. and until I put them on the computer, I didn't realize how scary those clouds were!

Wicked awesome truck.. Definately came back with enough rum to sink a ship.. mmmm!!

"wastin away again in Margaritaville!".. Enough said!

THAT is my 63 year old grandmother parasailing. Yup.. my grama.. up there!

Ooh.. a view I miss terribly!! :(

In Mexico, we got a taxi to a nearby beach, where we had some drinks, played in the sand and slept the day away in the beautiful sun. That night we went shopping. In Grand Cayman, we shopped the day away! We had margaritas in Margaritaville.. It was wonderful. In Jamaica, my grandma and BabyBoy and I hired a taxi to drive us around just seeing the island. We met the 'spice doctor', a man who taught us about all the spices and herbs on the island.. which was pretty neat.. and then, of course, shopping!!

I'll add more pics later.. maybe some videos too.. but I promised these, so here they are! :D

A Wonderful Christmas.. in Jamaica Mon!

2008-12-28T13:08:00.003-05:00

Well hello there! long time no talk.. So.. I'm in sunny, wonderful Miami.. got back yesterday from our cruise which was FABULOUS. I have lots of stories.. but I'm gonna use those stories for later posts. And I definately have videos that will make you laugh till you cry. Pics to come.

Anyways, I spent Christmas in Jamaica, meeting the Spice Doctor, and buying enough rum that everyone now thinks I'm an alchy.. which I am okay with.. It was wonderful to wake up on Christmas morning to the SUN and warmth. SO different from the 6 feet of snow we have in Canada. Luckily I was able to avoid Santa for the most part, which was a definate pro.

I go home tomorrow, and will be returning to the freezing cold. It will not be a good day. I did however want to say hello.. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with your families and loved ones. Talk soon!

pissed off..

2008-12-12T22:26:00.002-05:00

convo a few min ago..

A mother- 'How is your week lookin next week?'

me- ' oh, you know.. busy.. doing a lot of work and packing and fun stuff. what with Tuesday (which should be my mom's birthday), this week is gonna be pretty shitty.'

witch on the other end of the convo- 'welcome to my world'.

WTF. 'Welcome to my WORLD?!'.. I am 20 FLIPPING years old. I should not know about your world. When I am 45 like you, I'm sure I'll know a DAMN lot about your world.. but until then? SCREW off.. LET me have an OUNCE of my youth.

see.. I'm the type of person who doesn't get angry easily.. but this freaking comment.. this condescending comment.. pissed me right off.. oh man.. I'm so pissed.. retarded. I think I've been dealing with a lot pretty FUCKING well.. and now a comment like this makes me wanna punch someone in the face. GRRR.. ok.. I'm going to bed.. like I said, I have a LOT to do..

You asked for it... part 2

2008-12-04T06:46:00.000-05:00

**note** this is the last of the questions from the other day.. I'll prolly do it again in a few months..

If you could have any one wish at this very moment, or do something relatively realistic, what would it be and why?

well, at the risk of sounding like a 12 year old loser.. and because everything else I would generally say are already on the books (aka visiting africa, going to the carribean with friends for a get-a-way).. I would want to spend a week with my baby sister O on the set of the third twilight movie. yes. I am a loser. but I would love to see how it all works.. and my sister is obsessed with Kellan Lutz so.. it'd be the nice thing to do.

If you could get a message across to a large group of people. Who would those people be? What would your message be?

That one person can make a difference. And never stop being YOU. Don't be who your friends/family think you SHOULD be.. just be you.

What makes you feel great about yourself?

uhh.. I have no idea.. getting a massage, getting gel nails, going dancing, feeling accepted.

Who inspires you most?

mm.. My mom.. and good writers .. oh! and Dr. Laura Slessinger (or however you spell it) .. or she

did when I was little :P

What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.)

Music.. Listening.. Understanding people.

What do people typically ask you for help in?

People problems. Family feuds, problems with friends.. that sort of thing..

If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

English. or Special Education.

What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?

*cheese alert* my happily ever after?

What are the values you look for most?

honesty, loyalty, compassion, reliability, security, respect.

What were some challenges, difficulties and hardships you’ve overcome or are in the process of overcoming? How did you do it?

THAT will have to be a post of its own.. I do not have time for that one :P

Are you a klutz?

uh.. ya. pretty much.

First quote that pops to your mind.

Hate is easy. Love takes COURAGE.

You asked for it.. part 1

2008-12-03T07:04:00.000-05:00

Is there anything you regret/ enjoyed about taking in foster kids? Can you remember them all? Are there any that stick out in your memory?

Oh man, well.. I'll start with the positive. I enjoyed having kids around that were from all different backgrounds.. and hearing their stories.. There was always that day, with each of the kids, that they would just open up and tell you their story. Usually that was a sign that they had accepted me.

The regret one and most memorable would probably be the same.. perhaps because of the regret. A boy I went to high school with, one that I didn't hang out with.. who was the one who did drugs, and was class clown. Mom called me one day in math class asking who "that boy in the police cruiser the other day" was. When I said his name, (we'll call him Josh) she immediately dismissed it, figuring him no good for the family. I convinced her otherwise, knowing he was a good guy deep down, and maybe my parents could straighten him out a bit.

It was a weird time. I was 16, and the eldest of 6 teens, ranging from 13-16 living in my house. I had to help enforce rules ie) no girls in boys rooms, no boys in girls, since the foster kids sometimes took to crushing on one another. On one occasion, Josh decided to swear at me.. in front of my 7 year old sister. I did not take to this kindly. I found out later he'd been bringing drugs into my house as well, although my entire family suffered from asthma. Either way, I pretty much spazzed at him.. and left the house.. saying I wanted him gone before I got home from school.. and he was. Eighteen months later I found out he'd pulled a gun on his roommate for money.. and I keep thinking that maybe if I'd been more patient, allowed him to stay just a little longer.. maybe he'd been different. I try to be a little more forgiving of people now.

One of the hardest things to do, is to make sure to be inclusive. To make it so it's not our family, and then the foster kids. The foster kids always went on family trips, outings.. were always very welcome. It was hard at times to not pull the whole "its MY house. so EFF YOU!" thing on them. I wanted to sometimes!

And I definately CANNOT remember them all.. I could probably remember about 40.. maybe.

How far into college are you? What is your major?

ah ha! the question.. I'll have to give you the full story.. *inhaling deeply*

So, in September of 2006, I began my first year of university. I was in Waterloo, going through for sociology.. figuring on becoming a social worker or counsellor.. then it struck.. I was in my room, in the dark for about 2 months before being diagnosed with depression, and having my record exponged. Basically.. I know have to decide what I want to do, and then go back.. I really don't know. I might go to Kenya and end up staying there.. who knows?!

Any love in your life besides baby boy?

umm.. not at the moment.. I'm not really in the right place to be meeting anyone right now. I'm just kind of content to be.. plus, I've met maybe 6 new ppl in the last 6 months lol.. so no... BabyBoy is the only one that holds this heart!

How many other kids are you raising? How many kids all together.

Mm.. well.. at the moment? the rest of the kids are old enough that they don't need the same type of care that BabyBoy does.. I have 4 brothers and sisters though. My brothers, J (17) and BabyBoy (19 months), and sisters M (16) and O (12). (but thats not counting all the foster kids we've had over the years)

Is your dad still dating?

He says he's not.. And she definately has not been calling.. and he's not on the phone very much.. and no more trips to Ottawa.. so I don't think so.. :S

Are you a neat-freak?

Uhh. I wish I could say yes.. but I'm really not. My room looks like it's been hit with a tsunami, tornado, and hurricane all at the same time. BUT.. I only keep my room like that.. the main areas ( the areas I share with people I live with) are always kept clean.

Any movies you can watch over and over?

Return to Me, Anastasia, the Labyrinth

Do you sing?/ Play any musical instruments?

Um.. I sing.. ish.. I did a lot of school plays growing up.. thats about the extent of it. oh! and when I was a nanny last year, my employer got his own concert when I thought he was out and singing his daughter to sleep.. lol.. I play the piano, the flute, guitar, however I can play any musical instrument I put my mind to really.. I play by ear.. which is pretty neat..

Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?

This is embarassing. Yes. But it was friendS, and they were ladybugs.. Ya.. I don't know.. weird.

Do you wear pjs anywhere other than in your house?

BAH hahahhaa.. where DON'T I wear my pajamas to?! I get it from my mom. We even wore pjs to her memorial. But really they are scrubs sooo.. they look more normal than regular pjs.

Do you have any phobias?

oh man.. ok.. I'm deathly afraid of the dark, under my bed (Apparently I'm two. I know.), spiders, Santa Claus and clowns.

Ever come close to death?

Twice. When I was a baby, I nearly died because of how bad my asthma was, and last year when I was in my car accident.

Friend you have known the longest?

hmm.. Hannah S.

Sweet/ sour??

Sweet?

Are you usually late, right on time, or early?

lol.. depends.. rarely early.. usually on time.. sometimes late.. usually late when meeting friends.. usually on time for appointments.

Something or someone you miss most from childhood?

hard one. probably being able to dream without having to be reasonable..

What makes you smile?

Friends.. BabyBoy.. A good book.. A romantic gesture.. A kind word..

What activities make you lose track of time?

Reading books, blogs (like Sandi's.. or David's... its too good.. ) you tube videos.. lol.. daydreaming..

Favourite Alcoholic Beverage..

Porn Star.. no.. white freezie.. no. alabama slamma.. oh.. I dont know.. I like em all..

Mm.. Difficulty

2008-12-02T07:52:00.003-05:00

I am having such trouble coming up with anything to write about as of late. I have no idea. I know I've have been blogging VERY little lately.. and so.. if there is anything anyone wants to know about me/ my warped life ... Leave it in a comment, and I'll do my best to answer..

My Happily Ever After... On Hold??

2008-11-28T08:15:00.006-05:00

me- "hello??"

voice- "Hello there Mhea! I hope you are doing well! This is your Happily Ever After calling, I just pulled your record and realized that you haven't really done anything to get to me in the past five months."

me- "Oh.. riighht.. Uhhh...?? I've been.. busy??"

My happily ever after- "I know. but don't forget about me.. I'm still waiting!"

me- "reaaalllyy."

So, my Dad thinks I'm putting my entire life on hold. He doesn't want me to stay in this little town and not move on with my life. But, let's look at my options.

Go back to school- to do what?! I still have no idea what to with my life. the only thing i can see myself being is a mom.
Go back to being a nanny- seems pretty stupid considering my little brother needs me here to be doing the same thing.
Move out and get a real job- pfffft

I can't think of anything else. Hmm. oh! wait.. this one's my favourite..

Move to the Carribean and live my life drinking pina coladas sitting on the beach.

No? Fine. How about..

Move to Kenya to help the kids in the orphanage we're building??

So this essentially does not leave me much choice to begin with. Now let's look at why I WANT to stay.

BabyBoy needs me! I'm the only one that understands his garble. I don't want him in daycare. He hearts me. I heart him.
I'm a little terrified of leaving my family again. Look at what happened last time..

So now Dad wants to know if he should put BabyBoy in daycare next year. Now, there are a lot of things to consider in actually moving out and getting a life back.

friends. I'll actually see them more than once every 2 weeks.
Going out.. more than once a month
Independence

Most of it has to do with other people. It gets very boring/ lonely living in the middle of nowhere. and I'm a VERY social person. Which is probably why I started this blog to begin with. If my family was living somewhere more populated, I would DEFINATELY be much happier. I moved from Edmonton (booming with people and fun) to the middle of nowhere (oh look! a truck went by.. well, there's my entertainment for the day!)

Ah well. I suppose I'll figure it out.. Tomorrow. :P

Obsessed...

2008-11-27T07:16:00.000-05:00

SO not cool. I promised myself that I wouldn't get hooked. That I wouldn't do it. But I did. It started with just attempting to read a few pages to say I tried it. But now? its like a drug. I CANT GET ENOUGH .. now.. what? you ask.. what am I talking about??

Well, what is every other woman/ girl obsessed with at the moment? That's right. Twilight. GOOD GOD. I love those books. I KNOW I'm behind jumping on the bandwagon, but, c'est la vie. I can't even explain how irresistible Edward is in those books. Mysterious.. a gentleman to the point of insanity.. LOVE it..

WHICH would not be an issue. However, my little pain in the butt sister loaned out the third book.. so I'm WAITING.. not even attempting to be patient.. lol.. that would be plumb crazy.. for this book to be returned. Which could be next week, the week after.. theres a good chance I might cry. I read the first two yesterday.. CRAP!.

Anywho.. I'm gonna go sob into my cereal.. (thats a lie. I hate cereal. but I shall be sobbing!)

Decisions Decisions! and christmas memoirs..

2008-11-24T18:17:00.006-05:00

One of the hardest things about this first year after mom was killed is the whole what we should/ shouldn't do for holidays, birthdays and so on. For example, our big dilemma right now is whether or not we should decorate the house for Christmas. It was always mom's big holiday, she absolutely loved it. We'd have 2 trees. The one in the basement was upside down, hanging from the ceiling. Christmas decorations were everywhere, and the house smelt of cinnamon. One tree would be store bought decorations, the other would have all of our handmade ones from over the years.

Our house would be blasting Christmas music from the beginning of November for as long as mom could keep it going. Christmas was always the same. Christmas Eve we'd open our Christmas Pajamas, and then hit the hay. Then, Christmas morning, sometimes at 3 AM, usually at 7, my baby sister would bounce into my room, waking me up. Then she'd go get our parents up, who would take FOREVER making coffee and setting up stockings. My dad would get out the video camera, and we'd stampede down the stairs. Then came the three hours of around the circle gift unwrapping, oohs! ahhs! a mountain of wrapping paper, CinnaBuns, and coffee with liquor.. Good times.. So now we must decide. Pain now? or pain later.

The weekend...

2008-11-24T07:52:00.006-05:00

On friday, I (for some CRAZY reason) left the warmth and comfort of my home, to brave the dreaded white stuff to drive into town to pick up Jenn and my sister off for her camp reunion.

After the treacherous drive there, the next 8 hours were hell. We didn't know if we'd even be able to get home. My sister lost the address and couldn't remember the name of the town she was meeting her friends in. Our windshield wiper randomly flew off my car.. and after 20 minutes of struggling to figure out how to put the damn thing back on the car, finally got the whole grocery store in giggles, and, got help from the nearest cart boy. Thank God. Did get asked out by a cashier though. Interesting times.

Snow covered, snowing like a banshee.. the roads were awful.. but we made it. I decided that was it for me! So. Drinks and Get Smart ensued. mmm.. white freezies.. Next morning, 8:00, we were baking bread! no no, not breadmaker bread.. I'm talking HOME MADE. And by 9:00 we were elbow deep in seasonings, making meatballs. THEN we trekked on over to the hardware store where we got metal cloth stuff and wood, and staples that you hammer.. and then attempted to make a ferret playpen.. WHICH WE DID!! :O I know, I was insanely impressed at the feats we accomplished. craziness. I am woman hear me roar!! OH! and neither of us have taken shop in school or anything. I know. impressive.

So that brings us to Saturday night. I had to watch BabyBoy so that Dad could take the smallest sister to see Twilight, we watched WALL-E which was awesome. Loved it. then Jenn and I took a dangerous walk (yes dangerous! slippin, slidin, falling, OUCH) down to the ONLY PUB in my small town. It was.. quaint? There were actually people in it! :O This was surprising.. good drinks.. good wings.. then bedtime. mmmmm.

Sunday we finished our projects, and cleaned out the garage, and spent another 5 hours out and about trying to get my sister back from her weekend at the camp. The roads were dry, however people everywhere were in the ditch, and emergency response teams were everywhere. Terrible. After the first real snow, people think they are superheroes because they CAN drive in the snow.. so on dry roads its now acceptable to go double the limit weaving in and out of traffic?! I think not. Idiots.

Either way. I feel like it was a very productive, yet cold weekend. :D

Jinxed.

2008-11-20T08:06:00.002-05:00

Alright. I am now going to explain to you EXACTLY why I'm jinxed. There isn't much that goes right in my life.

April 2007- diagnosed with depression. My entire year at university is botched. I drop out.

August 2007- lost my job. moved to edmonton.

February 2008- in a HUGE accident. Van is a write off and lucky to be alive.

May 2008- mom is killed in car accident. enough said.

November 2008- car broken into. one week later, my brother takes my car over a stop sign. Gutted the underside of my car.

especially this last year has been mighty shitty.

There is more. Much more, but I'm busy and frustrated. As I remember, I will add.

Stuck..

2008-11-19T10:37:00.002-05:00

.. in a small town, in the middle of nowhere

.. in a house, because since mom, I'm still nervous of driving

.. with a family that doesn't appreciate

.. with limitations I hate

I'm. just. stuck.

Winter Memories

2008-11-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

So while I'm trapped in this land of snow and ice, I've been reminiscing of winters past. This was my life last year, a letter I wrote to one of my friends from Ontario..

"So, after a treacherous drive to M's school, I then find myself STUCK in the middle of the flippin road! I mean.. COME ON!! firstly, edmonton doesnt plow the roads that often, and definately not the sideroads. secondly.. in the - 46 degree weather, where your face can freeze in 5 friggin minutes, its a lovely thing to be stuck. thirdly, I am stuck beside the house. Like, the garage door opener works.. BAHH!!!.. so .. I go and get construction workers.. to come help me.. and it takes 3 of them to push me out. They say, how do you wanna do this? I go "I dunno! I'm from ontario.. they actually plow the roads there, and we are SISSIES and STAY INSIDE!! (ps- I'm very proud of that)"... so now, as I listen to sirens go by, and wonder why I'm in this terrible climate.. I think of the poor ppl on the bus that is stuck on 23 ave, or the cop who has veered off into the snowbank off Riverbend, or our paperboy who is no doubt frozen stiff probably just off 22 ave, because we didn't get a paper this morning! So, I sign off.. Freezing in Edmonton..
ps... ont the bright side, we are supposed to get HIGHS of minus 26!! isnt that EXCITING?!..
I think I should move back to Ontario to get away from this forsaken land of ice and snow. PEACE!"

Clearly I was very mistaken if I thought I'd get any break from the horrible weather I'd experienced in Edmonton by coming back to Ontario. I think this is Rag on the Weather week.. however, I'm allowed. I'm a weather girl and so not impressed. Ready for the hot weather to be back.

HBI- What Constitutes Life??

2008-11-18T07:03:00.000-05:00

***NOTE: I fully realize and accept that I most likely will lose the few consistent readers I have, however I started this blog for me. Not to be recognized for my writing, although that is pretty neat, however to just be me. For me. In this one case, I will not apologize for what I believe. And if it offends, there's nothing I can do.

An old friend of mine told me 3 months ago that she was pregnant for the third time. The first she carried to term, and delivered a beautiful baby boy (who is now a holy terror), my godson. The second, she aborted. The third she is carrying to term. She doesn't know who the father is of any of the children.

Now, I'm a pretty accepting person. But in this kind of case, I'm at a loss. You would think that someone would learn from their mistakes. I also understand that people make mistakes. We are only human. However when you aren't ready or very good at coping with the first one, how exactly can you justify a second?!

It is my belief that every child is a gift. I have worked with kids long enough to be able to say that with full certainty. When a woman conceives, a CHILD is living within her. Not a fetus. Not a piece of tissue with no life. A child. Yes, a woman's body is her own, and should be able to choose what happens to it. But when the decision can take the life of another human that they created, it's an issue.

We've accepted abortion as a way out. You make a mistake, you get rid of all evidence. Doesn't seem right to me. Admittedly some people shouldn't have children, however if those people are irresponsible enough to get pregnant to begin with, they should own up, and consider adoption as an excellent choice. There are thousands of people out there looking for a child to love, who can't have one of their own.

Now, what about victims of rape?

I can't even imagine what these poor women and girls are going through when confronted with such an event. However, the emotional pain and distress of abortion itself would put her through even more emotional pain as well. It's something you don't forget. Again, adoption would be the best option, in my opinion.

Please don't write comments telling me in no uncertain terms that I have no clue what I'm talking about and to go to hell... But please DO let me know what you think..

That Damn White Stuff...

2008-11-17T19:08:00.000-05:00

At this time of year, I realize my dreams. I remember what I forgot. I recall my feelings.

I remember how much I HATE snow. Ok guys, I seriously love living in Canada, I love everything about it. I love the fact that Kelly Ripa talks about how clean Canada is, and how she feels like she needs to buy a new pair of shoes so as not to track dirt on our pretty streets.. lol..

I love that when you visit other countries, people greet you kinder, look at you different. Apparently more polite.. lol.. no offense to my American friends!! :D

But then there's snow. Evil, white, cold, biting, terrible snow. I'd be okay with maybe a week of it. Then it needs to go away. Except for the weekend getaways to local ski hills, snow is okay. On those afternoons when you go tubing, and then sit indoors, sipping hot chocolate and watching the snow fall, I will deal with it. But for every other day, I HATE it. I couldn't see across the road for the better part of the day, and now where 2 days ago I could see green grass and the warm sun, only a thick white blanket of EVIL and cloud cover greets us.

If you live where there is little, or no snow.. I'm moving to where you are.. I hate this weather.

As of right now, my winter GETAWAYFROMTHISHELL trip schedule is as follows..

December- Carribean cruise

January- Edmonton- ok. Edmonton is actually colder. But if I don't go, I'm toast.

February- Cancun I think.

March- any ideas?!

I have to get out. Anyone want to move with me to a hot beach somewhere that has an unlimited supply of pina coladas and white freezies?? I'm game if you are... :D

Tilt-a-whirl for your liquor

2008-11-15T20:23:00.005-05:00

Guys, I have to say that you HAVE to check these glasses out. I've been drinking Sambucca out of them tonight.. and they are flipping TRIPPY!! .. Because if drinking doesn't make you dizzy enough, here is a tilt-a-whirl for your liquor.. They are hard to explain.. so you have to check it out! They don't spill!! CRAZINESS! I'm amazed. Impressed. check it out!!

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/11/roly_poly_shot_glasses_will_sp.php

My Little Orphans- Take 2

2008-11-13T10:15:00.006-05:00

here is some information about children in the Orphanage

Dauglas Ashoya - He is an orphan with one single parent who is his mother. That is why he decided to seat in the street due to lack of good health care.

Isaac Wanyonyi - he has his mother but donʼt have a father.. He was in street for one year. Because he had nobody to care for him. That is why he decided to stay to street.

John Bared - He has his mother but no father. So he decided to stay in street because he had nobody to care for him.

Geofry Alim - he has a mother but no father. He stayed in street for two years. He stayed there due to problems.

Tyson Watilu - the father died last year and the mother died this year November.

Daniel Kaguta - he has a mother but no father.

Emmanuel Ekirappa - He has both parents but lost their home during post election due political violence.

Stephen Odhiambo - Has a mother but no father.

Fadhili Musa - He has a mother but no father. His mother is a drunkard in that she canʼt take care of the family.

Carlos Kwanusu - Has a mother but no father.

Jackson Osama.- Has a father but no mother. The father is a drunkard.

Haron Wanjala - he has both parents, but they are poor so they donʼt take care for him.

Isaac Odongo - The father died last year. The mother doesnʼt take care of him.

Sammy Lombole - Has no both parents.. They died and that is why he decided to stay on the street.

Lilian Asmith - The father died and the mother is HIV positive.

Moureen Nekesa - Has both parents but were displaced during post election.

Violet Nabangala - Has both parents but were displaced during the post political violence.

Rose Alubit. - Has both parents but were displaced during post political violence.

Faith Misiko - Has both parents but have financial disableness.

Rabecca Wafula - The mother died and the father is nowhere to be seen.

Brenda Ekai - The mother is a street lady.

Zaitun Irene - Has no parents.

Valentine Asha - Her mother died when carrying out abortion.

I want to cry at how many parents just can't or won't take care of their little ones, and how many were killed in times of unrest.. More info to follow..

Mhea's Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

2008-11-12T19:33:00.003-05:00

My car = my baby.

My baby was violated. Assaulted. Molested. Some idiots thought it would be a good idea to pop the lock from the passenger side window and then try to rewire her. Someone must have scared them off but they grabbed my GPS and hit the road.

Allow me to explain how UNIMPRESSED I AM. Not to throw a pity party, but haven't I been through enough this year?! I don't want to deal with some tractor driving hicks that thought it would be fun to try to steal my radio and/or car!. and yes, thats who did it because that is the only kind of person who lives in a town like this. I've moved 1500 times.. (or at least 5).. I've quit 2 jobs, I've left an entire life behind. Lost a mother and all the family I was getting to know back in Edmonton, and now this?! WHAT did I do to deserve this shit?!

I did nothing wrong!

2008-11-12T07:48:00.003-05:00

When you've lied to me before

How do you expect me to believe anything you say about her?

When you've kept secrets,

No wonder I'm annoyed by the note I found.

You say it was old,

You don't even know when it is from!

But how can I believe you?

And how can you get mad at me when I confront you?!

I did nothing wrong.

I have nothing to be sorry for.

My Little Orphans- Take 1

2008-11-11T10:49:00.005-05:00

Ok guys, here's the deal.. We are building an orphanage in my mom's name. If you want more info, click here. Below I've posted pics of the children, and where they are living now.. I'm trying really really hard not to cry right now, but they are beautiful.. Please check it out.

this child is AMAZING.

2008-11-11T06:32:00.000-05:00

So my FABULOUS BabyBoy has started a new phase of adorable actions.

When he laughs, he covers his mouth with both hands.

When he's mad, he either folds his arms, (I swear I didn't teach him that!) or throws himself straight back from standing to lying on the floor, whacking his head in the process.

When he's content, he walks around pounding his chest like Tarzan and yelling.

When he's feeling mischievous, he comes and tugs on my pants, and then runs and peeks around the corner at me.

When he wants our other brother, or sees pics of him, he clicks his tongue. That's kind of their thing.

He says 'please' and 'yes' and 'daddy' .. SO adorable.

It's so much fun to watch them grow, and change. Watch them go from baby, to little boy. Their faces change, they grow taller, and just get more amazing. It's awesome! I'm in love!!

Who is the person you can't imagine your life without?

2008-11-10T07:52:00.003-05:00

This was a question on a 20SB discussion thread. And I have no idea how to answer. Eight months ago I would have said my mom. But I'm living it out now. And surviving.. somehow.

Then I think maybe BabyBoy, but there's no 100% certainty we'll get him for sure, since the adoption is still going through. And I've dealt with kids that were like siblings and part of the family, kids that I loved dearly, leaving. Being adopted by another family. Gut-wrenching pain. So, as usual, the one that isn't for sure staying drops off the list.

The rest of my family? Well, I love them all dearly, but since Mom passed, I know that it'd be painful, and hard, but we'd get through it.

And now, I wonder who it is I that I can't imagine my life without. Maybe my best friend. But I've said that about friends before, and I've always moved on. (sorry Jenn.. please don't hate me lol)

Does it make me cold-hearted if I say somewhat sadly that there is no one I can't imagine my life without? That losing mom made me lose all hope of having those that I love around me as life goes on.

Flight of the Conchords

2008-11-09T07:22:00.002-05:00

ok, so I'm sure this is against blog etiquette, but I'm posting five, yes five videos that are absolutely hilarious.. My friend Eric introduced me to this dynamic duo, and I think they are hilarious. And since today is my relaxation day after slaving over that dang room, I figured I'd share them with you!

I spent a summer in Quebec, attempting to learn the language, so this video cracks me up big time..

this is just stupid, and I love it...

hahahaha oy

Hippie power??

Anyways, I hope these have given you a little chuckle.. I'm going back to my chillaxin.. Have a great day!

Cruise Anyone??

2008-11-08T13:50:00.000-05:00

So we are going on a cruise for Christmas, and I have mixed feelings.

I know! Mixed feelings about an entire week in the sun, not cooking, cleaning, just working on a beautiful lobster red most likely?! (I've never been one for sunscreen :S) But I'm going with friends and family. And by friends and family, I actually mean my family and THEIR friends. Me? I'm gonna be hanging with the whole family and their friends allll week. And its on a boat. With no way off. At all.

BUT. There is a ray of hope. My dad's maybe girlfriend maybe not chiquita backed out! So now there's room for someone else to come! Now I just have to convince one of my friends to come with. In general? No problem! But it is a difficult thing because its over Christmas. We will be in Jamaica on Christmas day. (which I'll admit is pretty cool!) So now I have to find someone that I'm gonna enjoy hanging with.. anyone wanna go cruisin?!

Hot younger girl on Simcoe

2008-11-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

We passed each other on the side walk by simcoe and wellington. We both kept looking back. Interested in meeting?

I absolutely love reading the personals. The one above came from today's paper. I love the hope thats in them. For some reason, this reminds me of the "if you like pina coladas' song. How about this one??

gave you a quarter for parking at fanshawe college on tuesday

you were short a quarter for your parking ticket so i gave you one...would love to spend a couple more of them buying you a coffee over a chat.you were with your mom and a little one.hope you get this....

Translation? 'I couldnt hit on you with your mom there! Please remember who I am?'

hahaha absolutely cracks me up. So, the real reason for this post and long intro is because there is another article out in the papers about the orphanage. We are pretty excited.

To check it out, click here.

To check out our website, click here.

Stay tuned for much much more :D

It's nice to have something to concentrate on, and with any luck, we'll reach out goal in no time at all. Very exciting.

HBI- A Confuzzling Conundrum

2008-11-06T07:54:00.005-05:00

**NOTE: I apologize in advance if this post insults anyone in anyway. That is not my intention at all. Then again, I judged people so much for so long, I guess I have no right really to ask for anything less. and if you want to read a good post about this topic thats less emotional click here lol

A conversation I had recently.

Friend: I'm gay.

Me: That would explain a lot.

Friend: Do you think I'm going to hell?

Wow. uhh. Wow.

Me: I.. uh.. couldn't tell you..

Friend: I've tried so hard not to give in to it. And I've tried to like girls, but I just can't!

Me: You don't have to justify yourself to me!

Friend: I know. But I pray everyday. For forgiveness.

Bah. Poor guy. He can't even tell his family. Now let me give you my background.

I grew up in a Christian home that took in foster kids. Us bio kids were expected to be role models and good examples for the kids that came into our home. My mom and dad were also very set in what they believed and, as a result, I was the same. I believed that homosexuality was a sin, and, although you don't choose to be gay, you do have the choice to act on it.

This was me all through high school. I was the top debater in my religion class. I could discuss it for hours.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't go to any anti-homosexual rallies or anything. We were taught to accept them, but that what they were doing was wrong.

And then one day, I realized that I didn't know what I believed. I came up with some things that just seemed downright hypocritical.

1) Christianity teaches that God loves everyone, and that we are called to do the same. Last time I checked, homosexuals are people too.

2) The Bible says that God will judge. It's definately not my job. And I don't like other people judging me so what the hell kind of person would I be if I did it?!

3) The Bible says that all sins are equal. So if I lie, it's the same as the guy who murders. So how hypocritical would it be to condemn another when I'm not perfect?

So, I decided that I was done with all that. I decided that I believed in God, and I try to be the best person I can be. But you don't have to be a self-righteous bitch about it.

But then you have the whole family issue. If I told my dad how I felt about this, what would he say? Would he be hurt that I didn't continue on in the faith that they tried so hard to teach us through their lives?

Really though, what right do I have to tell someone they can't love someone?! It's a matter of the heart. And ever since my mom died, it's really hit me that you have to live your life to the fullest. Take advantage of every second you have, because you only live once. And who knows which second will be your last?

'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.'

MM.. A Small Gift

2008-11-05T07:41:00.002-05:00

I think the Weatherman knew how crappy life has been, so he decided to give us a beautiful day yesterday. At about 20 degrees Celsius, the sun was shining, and not one cloud to be seen. Absolutely gorgeous.

So, to celebrate the gorgeous weather, I called up all the friends I've put off seeing for the last 5 months, and told them to all meet me down by the river. Kill five birds with one stone?? So me and all the girls, Baby Boy, and Charlie (one of my three new ferrets) all went for a walk around the river. Both Baby Boy and Charlie were in heaven. All these people paying attention to them?! Plus, I let Charlie run around the park without a leash. Eventually she got tired though, and came and fell asleep on my feet. Adorable.

I love those days where after everything has gone wrong for so long, and then for one single day, everything seems to go right. :D

A rant.. about Stepford Wives

2008-11-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

I have mentioned the Stepford Wives in past posts, so I figure the time has come to explain what and who I mean.

While living in Edmonton, I worked for a well-to-do family, and the little girl I worked with went to a pretty decent school. Everyday, after school, the parents and nannies of the grade 2 kids would gather together in the little area off the hallway where their classrooms were.

There were cliques. Yup, cliques among the parents.. you had the parents who hovered outside the door waiting for the exact moment the bell would ring so that they could bounce into the classroom, grab their kids, and talk to the teachers- they were, in general, very bubbly. Then there was my group, the nannies and down to earth awesome moms. Then there was the Stepford Wives.

Now I'm not one to judge.. In general.. and I like everyone! but in this case? I made an exception. The Stepford Wives were a group of about 6 moms who had perfect gel nails, perfect hair, too much make up, wore Gucci to school, and always looked like they were about to go down the runway- all the time.

This alone would not have been an issue. But they were so fake! It was awful! They were like those evil b****s in high school that smiled to your face and then talked about you to everyone else. And they were so shallow!! Two of the worst lines I ever heard in my life were uttered by these ladies;

1) 'Oh my god! This morning, the stars all aligned and my hair and makeup just worked!!'

2) (in response to oohing and ahhing over her boots) 'Oh these old things? I need new ones! I got these ones like.. last week!'

NO JOKE. oy. my word. I don't even know what to say.

I just stared. Mouth open. Thankfully I was saved by my best Edmonton Nanny friend Jenn.

These interesting specimens always stand around, gossiping. When I moved home, they all made a huge deal of it at school, even though I really don't know them all that well.. and were upset I didn't call to tell them!!

Anyways.. I figured I should explain about these interesting creatures.. especially because I'll probably talk about them again.. so there it is! My rant..

Sarah Palin Pranked

2008-11-03T09:51:00.004-05:00

"if one voice can change the world for Obama, than one viagra can change the world for McCain!".. Montreal's Masked Avengers.. lol.. check out this video

A Whole New World

2008-11-02T20:15:00.007-05:00

So I just got back from Ottawa, where I was being introduced to a whole new side of me.. Let's see if I can explain properly.

The dad I have now is not my biological father. He adopted me when I was 3 years old. He's also the only father I've ever known. When my mom married my sperm donor (SD), he came into the marriage with a six year old daughter named Shannon. When they split, Shannon and I didn't see each other again.

Until about four years ago. I came home from school, and my mom told me she had found Shannon. We've seen each other probably around 4 times since, both of us being very busy, and avid travelers. So, this weekend I went to Ottawa, to meet the aunts, uncles, and cousins.

It was pretty awesome :D It's neat to know that I have an entire family that I never really knew about. The weekend was filled with Wii, peach schnapps, cherry pie, blueberry pancakes made of mostly blueberries, a cat named Pudge, 'brown guy', 'zing!', 'you don't know me!', shwarma, pizza with broccoli, 'paper planes' by m.i.a. and family dinners. Oh, and SOOO much expresso :S...

Growing up, we never had much extended family at all, and I'd kind of wondered about what they were all like. Turns out they are pretty awesome!.. I can't wait to go back, and continue to find out more about the relatives I never knew.

Btw, please checkout this blog. And this website. Thanks!

YAY!!!

2008-10-30T20:16:00.005-04:00

Ok, so take a look at this new blog.. Pretty awesome stuff happening!.. check it out here!!

Please help, its for an amazing cause, and we are pretty excited about it! :D

Fall Memories

2008-10-30T07:36:00.010-04:00

Since fall is pretty much over, I was reminiscing on memories that the season brings back.

Way back, it was getting into the groove of a new year at school, reconvening with old friends, attempting to make it through until the weekend.

At thanksgiving, making our way up to the trailer for our last weekend, staying in a little cabin, *freezing* with Andrea. Spending the weekend hanging with Sean and Reuben.

Halloween for Hunger, a program where we'd trick-or-treat for cans for the food bank instead of candy was always a good time.

In university, the excitement of striking out on our own. The metaphorical cutting of the apron strings. Sleeping in till noon, partying till 2.. somehow fitting in our classes, and just having a wicked awesome time.

In Edmonton, standing outside the school doors with the awesome moms and other nannies, bracing ourselves for the cascade of children bound to fly through the doors at any given moment. Stepford Wives convening in their Prada and Gucci inside where their flawless skin wouldn't be exposed to the elements. Warren's halloween party, spider fiasco, carving gourmet (bloody difficult) pumpkins, a huge spider web over the front door that stayed up until Christmas. Nannied M and I going to the park every other day, to just have fun before the evil white stuff reared it's UGLY head! Not to mention the greatest day withe Nannied M ever! Itinerary including:

- sleeping in and watching cartoons with M in our jammies

- Nanny friend Jenn flirting with the waiter so the kids could have extra whipped cream, and teaching the girls to flirt as a result. (they tried it.. VERY cute)
- dancing in the car, and scaring a guy in the truck beside us on the way to the Science Center

- a snake jumping at me and me booting it for my life (which made the gurls HOWL!)
- racing our wallets down a lego car run- I won (Cause we are that cool )
- talking about Ontario with a staff member that originated from there.. :D
- flirting with the staff at the science center, which landed us a behind the scenes tour of some nasty creatures!! (the snake being one)

- NOT smashing into anything with our vehicle
- although my sunglasses were not so lucky ( thanks JENN!)

- begging to have one of the displays fixed because it looked like SOOO much fun! ( and succeeding! Dang we are good!)
- listening the kids thanking us for everything from taking them to not killing them
- watching the kids express their love for us to the staff who thought we were on glue.. :D... I loved that job!

And this year? BabyBoy toddling down the sidewalk, finding all sorts of treasures he -thankfully- did not feel the need to taste. BabyBoy playing in the leaves.

Ah what a season. Must it end?!

Winter Wonderland? I think not.

2008-10-29T14:00:00.003-04:00

Once a year, it happens. The gradual change. When all the leaves die and fall to their final resting place, on a bed of grass. When the trees all are quiet, not a rustle to be heard. When the brilliant colours of red, auburn, gold and orange fade to dismal browns, greens and white. When scurrying animals, and flying singers all recede to places unknown, until the sun shines again.

This year, it happened all too soon.

Driving by empty fields, and farm houses, the light dusting of white powder is bright in comparison to the gloomy skies.

Driving by a street corner, Catholic school girls wear their skirts a little lower than usual, the boys are bundled in coats, hats, mitts, scarves, and all huddle together in a little pack, trying to keep warm.

As I drive, the whiteness comes at me. I try to run. It follows. Flurry after flurry of white matter, swirling around my car, enveloping the world in its icy grip.

We arrive at our destination. I open the door, and catch my breath as I feel the biting cold, and crisp wind. Yet another reminder that it is here. It arrived.

It is Winter.

101 Things About Me- in progress- up to 51!

2008-10-29T09:02:00.000-04:00

1. I still love getting up on saturday mornings and watching cartoons.

2. I love to go dancing

3. I want to learn ballroom dancing

4. I've been a sister to over 150 kids

5. I can't sleep with socks on

6. Bananas make my eyes itch

7. I like scrambled eggs. The thought of runny yoke is nasty for me!

8. I like being picky! about whatever I want! like I only like presidents choice white cheddar Mac and cheese! No others!

9. I don't overly enjoy tenting. Id rather be in my parents trailer where I am not sleeping on rocks, or with spiders and bugs. Ill still go, and I won't complain, but I just don't enjoy it!

10. I hate hummers, they remind me of lego.

11. Tim hortons and starbucks suck ever since I found second cup

12. I almost never get angry, only when someone hurts one of my friends and family, I'm overprotective

13. I would help out a friend at any cost.

14. I have an eye for matchmaking. I keep my ears open, and watch quietly, and I am fairly intuitive. "dr love ;)"

15. I hate it when people feel embarassed.. I try to discourage that as much as possible..

16. I cant talk. I accredit this lovely little thing to the fact that I learned half the words I know by reading.

17. I always make up words.. I love it.. if you dont.. you'll have to get over it..

18. If you ever need to talk, I'm always available... anytime.

19. I am not angry at the man who killed my mom

20. I am more mad at my dad who started dating 10 weeks after my mom died.

21. I wish I lived in the carribean. I am not meant for cold weather!

22. I can't remember the last time I had a great birthday

23. I like feeling needed

24. I nearly ran away three times while growing up. Usually on my birthday

25. I slept through two classes in the library in high school when I was on T3 from surgery

26. I only forged one note in high school to get out of class- and got caught.

27. I apparently don't know how to say 'no'. I agree to help everyone with everything and burn myself out.

28. People have always thought I was older than I am

29. When I was 12, people thought my younger brother and sister were mine.

30. I know everything that's going on with my friends, even if they aren't the ones to tell me.. so I sometimes wait to see how long it takes them to tell me themselves.. Usually doesn't take long.

31. In my first accident, I backed into a phone booth.

32. In the second one, I slammed into a transport. (I really am a better driver than it seems!)

33. Sometimes I get a little roadrage.

34. I hate taking care of ppl when they are intoxicated, however I still do it everytime.

35. I picked up my brother from a commencement party (which had the whole school there) in my pajamas :D

36. I want to visit Rwanda, Thailand, and Australia. Hawaii seems a little unattainable.

37. I don't really like my dad's current gf.. I'm worried she's going to hurt him.

38. A guy once wrote me a letter that told me I was the "wood of his burning fire" (whatever that's supposed to mean)

39. Everyone called me 'mom' in university

40. I love being taken care of

41. I love cuddling

42. I am terrified of the dark

43. I like to name inanimate objects like my gps, car, phone etc.

44. I don't like the consistency of yogurt

45. I need feedback on everything I do

46. I've only ever broke 2 bones.. and they were fingers so pretty minor all things considering

47. My favourite colours are blue, silver, and black

48. I can pick up almost any musical instrument and figure it out.. and pay a short tune in almost no time at all..

49. I love to collect quotes.

50. I don't think I'll ever like any of my dad's gfs.. not until they are a friend and then more.

51. I only wrote number 37 because I'm pretty sure my dad is reading this.

In those books

2008-10-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

I grew up in a fairy tale. I grew up in the pages of the books I read. Let me explain.

I started school early. When I was three years old. I loved it! I learned to read very early and that was my passion. At recess, I'd be swinging, reading a book, going down the slide, reading a book. Walking, reading a book. Some of the girls used to tease me because I couldn't go for a day without reading. At night, my parents would give me a time limit, and I'd always go past. Then they'd hit that horrid little red button on the electrical outlet in the bathroom that would cut all power to my room.

Not only did I read a lot, but I read super fast. I'd finish books in a matter of a couple hours. This was my life. And I loved it.

I loved becoming part of the story. Feeling the emotions, going to other places, escaping from everyday life. Books like the Narnia series, Nancy Drew, the Trixie Beldin books, Sweet Valley High, Roald Dahl, all books and authors that were part of the world I lived in.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't one of those kids who had no friends, that the only friend they have are the characters in the book? nope! I had plenty of friends, it's just that my imagination worked overtime.

Oh! and I learned to talk through my books. I learned new words everyday! And I knew them in context, however i couldn't say half of them. and I mispronounce words alll the time.. People used to make fun of me (my family mostly lol) and so I just don't even try to pronounce words that I'm 100% sure of.

So, I still read (when I can), however I now enjoy writing.. So.. I may start throwing some of my old stuff up here..

But for now.. BabyBoy is calling my name..

My wish is to live.

2008-10-27T19:15:00.000-04:00

Please, let it not be so. let my life mean something. let what i do be of importance, and please, don't let me fade away into the bland background of the history of time.

Why is it that when life gives you lemons..

2008-10-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

you make lemonade?! why not make a lemon merangue pie?! Why are we so stuck on safe and normal?!

For instance, when you go to a restaurant, and are looking at all the options, why is it that we always order a quasadilla, or a hamburger, which we've had numerous times before, instead of something new?! Is it because you just don't want to make the decision? Is it because it's safe, and you know you are going to like it so might as well? Is it because the linguini with shrimp and avacado is just not 'normal' enough to consider??

Why are we a people who thrive on what is safe? Why do I not go and, despite my fear of heights and falling fast, go bungee jumping? Just for the hell of it? Why don't I wake up and randomly take off for a few days with a couple girlfriends? Why am I so content to be so complacent?

And it's the same with everything in life. I'm scared of new things. Things that are unfamiliar seem just silly to try. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself as well. Because whether I like it or not, I know that my decisions are partially decided by the kind of people I surround myself with. If something is deemed as a waste of time in the collective, then I'm definately not going to do it.. no matter how much I want to..

ok.. I may be ranting just a bit here.. sorry about that.. probably not making much sense either.. ah well.. maybe I'll be like the surfing instructor in Forgetting Sarah Marshall; "When life gives you lemons, just say 'F*** the lemons,' and bail."

The Gloom

2008-10-25T09:16:00.005-04:00

It's everywhere. I can't get away from it. Every way I turn, it's there. Mocking me.

I try to make it disappear. I smile, and it recedes. But then it's back, stronger than ever.

I try to live with it, accepting it won't leave. But then the newly healed cracks in my heart return.

It's not me, you see, its the people around me. The people who walk around with the pain and hurt and emotion hanging over their head, for everyone to see. Take my dad for instance. After the Gloom entered our lives, he was a mess. Then, 10 weeks in, he gets a girlfriend. And everything is lollipops and rainbows. And then it becomes apparent that this probably has no future. And as soon as the Gloom had left, it returned. Now we return to days in bed, crying, randomly going out for the evening without telling us where he is, when he'll be home.

Or my Grama, who lost her only daughter, and then freaks out at the Costco lady because mom's name is listed as a dependent on her card. She cries every time I see her. And I hate seeing that emotion. Because it makes me want to cry.

And then there's my baby sister M, who has added the Gloom on top of everything she's going through as a 16 year old. Her smile fades quickly. She recedes to her room. Her comments/ responses are short and spiteful.

Me? I've taken on a new look at things. I realize Mom is in a better place, and that the Gloom only has as much hold on me as I let it. I let things slide of my back that I wouldn't before. I am more patient than I was before the Gloom settled.

Now, I do not EVER want a new 'mother'. And in a very selfish way I don't want Dad to get remarried for at least another 3 or 4 years.

I want it to leave. I want the Gloom to dissipate, and the cloud hovering over my house to be gone.

I want to live. to move on.

To never forget, but keep on living.

Kids are my Passion

2008-10-24T08:16:00.002-04:00

So, I ranted about how I still want to be a kid here.

So now i want to tell you why I love being around kids so much. They are amazing. Fabulous. Their little minds are just so creative and wonderful! A child can see how I'm feeling better than some of my best friends.. they are very astute. They give hugs freely, and love unconditionally. You can just be you. And they are the cutest little guys ever!

I've heard some VERY cute things come from these little ones.

My little brother Zack was pounding away on our keyboard. I asked him what exactly he thought he was doing?! 'I'm writing a story!' came the happy reply. I played along, "What's it about?". "I don't know!" he replied. "I can't read."

Ah, that child was some kind of cute!! So mischievous!! or...

I was running a daycamp a few summers ago, and a little guy, William (age 5) came up to me and told me that he knew where chickens came from. 'Eggs!' he stated, very proud of himself. I smiled, and then he said and he ALSO knew where chicken nuggets came from. Interested, I asked where. He said, from "Baby chickens! They are too little to be from mommy or daddy chickens!" too cute! he was convinced he was amazing because he knew all the answers.

They are soooo sweet!! BabyBoy, the other day, came and sat in my lap, grabbed my face in his hands and proceeded to tell me this long winded story that went something like this; 'garble garble giggle ba geee daa yee'... and here I am, thinking about what I have to do all day, and everytime I look away, he stops, turns my face till I'm looking at him, and then continues with his story. Ah man.. I love it!

Proposals

2008-10-23T08:06:00.000-04:00

Today on the news, here was a cute little piece about a man who proposed to his girlfriend.. Awww!!! .. So the gf is a teacher of a grade 2 class, and so he lines up her kids, and they each have a letter that spells out the proposal!! I thought that was just TOO cute!

I think proposals are the cutest things ever! and I always encourage my guy friends to think long and hard before they pop the question.. So that they do it just right!! :P

SO, do you have any cute proposal stories? or know of any??

The Child Inside

2008-10-19T17:14:00.005-04:00

I'm going to be very honest with you.. I still feel like I'm 12. With the addition of bills and taxes.

Somebody once told me that there is no age where suddenly you feel like an adult. There's no transition where suddenly you feel that you are all grown up, ready to face the world. I had a moment where I felt flippin old when some kid bumped into me at the mall, and then said *to me* "sorry lady!" *to his friends* "old people!" (rolling his eyes). OLD people?! my friend and I just looked at each other.

I still love the kid stuff. I love going to the store with friends to buy penny candy for the hell of it. Watching cartoons. Re-reading books I read as a kid.. maybe it's me trying to relive the 'old' days.. maybe it's time to realize that it's time I moved on..

Terrified

2008-10-18T21:46:00.001-04:00

*note* I wrote this on June 13..

Im terrified

of what comes next..

of coming home and not having mom here...

of having to face every holiday, and birthday, without her here..

of not having a phone call from her everyday...

of having decisions to make that I never even considered..

of what to tell my siblings when they ask 'why'?....

of allowing myself time to grieve...

of going to a place for the summer where I dont want to be...

of returning to a place in my life where I never thought I'd come back
to..

of people who I know I will want to bite their heads off..

of the responsibility I gladly take on.. but still frightens me...

of leaving my life in the west...

of rekindling old friendships...

of leaving friendships behind...

of who I'll become...

of change..

most of all...
of having to say goodbye...

Getting nowhere fast

2008-10-17T16:45:00.001-04:00

*ring!!*

'hello?'

'hey! this is your life calling!! not to bother you but do you have any idea as to when you'll have time to get back to me?'

'right!! hang on, let me get my calender.. ah! here it is.. mmhmm.. mmhmm.. ya.. this year isn't good for me.. and next year isn't looking great either.. how bout I pencil you in in September 2010?? I'll talk to you then! Bye!'

As you grow up, you entertain ideas of what you want to be when you are older. A mom, ballerina, teacher, author, social worker. That was pretty much my line of thought growing up.

But then reality sets in. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I've always worked with kids, and I absolutely love it, so teaching would make sense. However there is a massive number of unemployed teachers in our province. I thought maybe social work, but then I'd want to slug every parent who doesn't treat their kids right, and the bigwigs who de cide what's 'best' for the kids in care.

And I tried a General BA at university, but after 8 months of it, I still had no idea what I wanted to do, and all I had to show for it was a huge debt and anti-depressants. yay.

So then I decided to become a nanny. Which I did! I moved away from home, got a great job, and had a great time doing it. But obviously I couldn't do that for the rest of my life! When my mom died, I moved home to stay home with the BabyBoy, and here I am.

Now I have no qualms about being here. I'm happy to be here, I certainly still have no idea what I want to be, so why not? But that's the problem. I feel like life is going so fast. Which, I know it really isn't so since I'm only 20, but almost all my friends are either married, engaged, getting engaged, hardcore into their schooling, got steady jobs, etc. And I really am none of the above. I'm just kind of... existing.

So where do I go from here? Life is moving.. I guess it's about time I hop on board.

God missed the Memo

2008-10-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

*note: I wrote this on June 11, and since I don't have anything really to write about today, I thought I'd post this*

Life. fragile. fleeting. too short.

on friday may 30, I got a call from my dad that ended my life as I knew it. My mom had been killed in a car accident, and my baby brother was in a coma in the hospital. I was in Edmonton, over 3000 kms from my family.

This isnt how it was supposed to be. My mom was vibrant, kind, and a pain in my butt. I suppose cuz we are so alike.. we fought all the time.. she was supposed to live to be 115, with all of us going, "geez woman.. would you go already?!" and still poking her nose into our lives.

But God missed the memo.

I flew home on the red eye that nite. In the process, I lost my cell phone, and a piece of luggage. I stopped at the hospital to see the baby. He was unconscious, was bruised, with all these tubes poking out of him. he'd been through so much already, I just wanted to pick him up and hold him.. but all I could do was hold his hand and cry.

He was supposed to be home with us, with my mom, making us all smile.. trying to grab the phone when mom put me on speakerphone with him, doing his signs for please and up and more, and just being a baby.

But God missed the memo.

I came home, and my house was, as usual, full.. except this time with suffering and pain. A cloud hung over the house, and everyones faces. I went to my dad, and cried with him, holding him, telling him we'd make it through, when I myself dont know how.

Dad should have been picking me up at the airport, bringing me home to a crazy busy house with everyone going everywhere at once, my mom holding everything together. I'd walk in the door, and hug each of the kids, and mom.. and we'd talk about the flight.. and how much I dont like Air Canada compared to WestJet..

But God missed the memo.

Then came memorial plans. My dad was not exactly ready to deal with all that.. so I started making plans. I arranged for the band, for the center. for the food. for the wine. I had to talk to OPP about the accident, and make decisions about what next.

I should have been arguing with mom about borrowing the car, and who was making dinner that night. I should have been planning nights out with friends, shopping in london, dinner with the gurls...

But God missed the memo.

Then we had to bury my mom. We said goodbye, and they lowered the casket. I'll never forget the sound..

I was waiting till the day I was old enough to call my mom by her first name when I was exasperated.. like she does with her mom..

I was waiting for the day that we'd live in the same town and have the kind of relationship where we'd go to each others houses for coffee.

I was waiting for the day that we'd make the transition to friends, instead of the mother-daughter stress.

I was waiting for the day that I'd get married, and mom would be there to tell me that my bra strap is sticking out..

I was waiting for the day that shed spoil my kids, and then send them home to me, like my grama did with us..

I was waiting for the day we'd both be at FH, me with my kids in a trailer with hubby, and mom down the circle, waiting for her grandkids to come over for a hug.. and junk food that I dont allow before dinner.

I was waiting for the day that I could sing her my part of the song...

and I'll continue waiting...

Because God didnt get my memo...

Now I move home, and pack up my life in Edmonton, to help raise my baby brother, not as a mother mind you, but as a loving big sister. Its something that is hard, but something I want to do with all of my heart.. I now attempt to sorta step into my mothers shoes, and realize what big shoes they are. and as I do, I wonder... why?? why?? why did this happen? why to her? why to me? why to my family?

Why didnt He get the memo??

matt asked me wasnt I excited to see where God was taking this?

my answer? I wish I didnt have to see where God was taking this. I wish my mom was here. I would give anything to have her back.

I love you mom.. as for the rest of my life.. you know. Can you give Him the memo?

Idiots behind the wheel.

2008-10-15T10:12:00.000-04:00

You know how much I hate reading the newspaper, or watching the news. But a headline this morning reads 'Woman faces more charges in crash that claimed life of baby'.

Basically, a woman, who has been charged with impaired driving, collided with a car that held a mother and her three kids. The oldest two kids were sent home, but the mother and baby were transported to London hospital where the four month old baby died.

This super pisses me off. People being idiots and not thinking.

My mom was on her way home in May when a truck driver slammed into our 15 passenger van, killing her instantly, and putting my baby brother into the hospital for two weeks with a skull fracture, in a coma for one.

oh my god. I can't even finish this post. I'm shaking. I'm soo pissed off. I'll finish what I want to say at a later date.

Where in the world is..

2008-10-15T04:00:00.000-04:00

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I was wondering this as I was watching a very old episode of Home Improvement last night. I remember way back when I was in grade 2, and my bff N was in love with him.

She'd come to school and tell us all about the latest dream she had that involved JTT. The most prominent one was where he came and whisked her away from school in the middle of class- a big production of course!- they'd drive off in his limo, and head for a very romantic lunch at... Harvey's. yup! Harvey's. Talk about romantic! Who wouldn't love a romantic lunch (because if she missed dinner with her parents, she'd be in BIG trouble!) with the smell of grease and heart attacks lingering in the air. When we all teased her about it, she insisted that it was very romantic because he paid the 'restaurant' to close down for those few hours so they could be alone. Oh baby oh baby!!

Taking this little trip down memory lane caused me to think of all the little celebrity crushes going on nowadays. Zac Efron, the Jonas Brothers seem to be most prominent right now. I am the first to laugh at those who dream of "wouldn't it be nice if they noticed ME" and the "if I could just meet him, I know we'd be together forever!" But, I suppose, this is just them being kids.. If they want to dream of lunch with these boys at Harveys, have at it!

I guess we laugh because we don't have those types of aspirations. Our eyes turn from Hollywood Hotties to the hotties living down the street that we'd never really noticed before. We turn from dreams to reality.

So to O, my baby sister, dream away little one, while you can. For tomorrow will hit you with a sad reality.

By the way, today is Blog Action Day 2008, and I've created a link to a blog post about it, and some ideas on how YOU can help!! Check it out here! Lend a hand!!

Elections.

2008-10-14T15:46:00.000-04:00

Aw crap. that time of year again. My dad just called to remind me to go and vote, even if it is to just mess up the ballot. What's the point?! was my question. 'You have to exercise your right to vote!' came the reply. Well.. Its not that I don't know where to go. I can see the community center from my back window. And its not that I don't have the time.

It's just that I do not read the newspapers. I do not watch the news. I do not listen to the news on the radio. Call me naive, but I like my world as is. Not that I don't know what's going on out there... I spent the better part of my high school experience as the president of the Amnesty International chapter at our school, as well as the president of the Habitat for Humanity group at our school too. I know the world in general is in dire straights.

However. I prefer to be completely oblivious right now. I don't want to know about the horrors going on around the world. Not when my life is good right now. Bah.. I'll come back to this topic in another post. Back to elections.

So, since I don't read or watch the news, I know nothing of politics. I don't really know much about the candidates, or their platforms. Makes me a HORRIBLE citizen eh? Canada will now go down the drain because I don't know what is going on, thus I don't think I should vote.

See, my not voting is really a favour to our country!! I think that people who know about the candidates, and have spent time forming an opinion should be voting. I'm not one of them.

Bah. I'm frustrated. Politics is something that just frustrates me to no end. I feel stupid for voting, and stupid for not. I guess I should pay more attention to what's going on.

... or not!! :D

its who I am

2008-10-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

I don't know why it is.. But it is there. A feeling.. an ice covered rock forever lodged in my chest.

I am embarrassed. I talk to push out memories that are in my head. Feelings, of being embarassed, of wanting to be completely invisible. Of things I've done, things I've said, things other people have said. Just complete stupidity. And they stay with me. Memories, they keep piling up. And I keep remembering. I can't let them go.

I fight to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. I laugh and make people feel better in awkward and uncomfortable situations. But it's not for their sake. It's for mine. Because I feel embarrassed when they are embarrassed.

I don't think its only embarrassment though. I think it's also rejection, guilt, incompetent. Half the time, I don't measure up to the expectations set for me. I can't. I try. and I fail. Again.

And maybe that is really what the feeling is. Failure. Failure to be all that I'm expected to be. Failure to keep others comfortable. Failure in general.

I'm one of the few people I know who holds onto arguments, hurts, disappointments, grudges, and sense of self worthlessness longer than any other person... It sucks.

I don't want to be this way. I want to turn my head and not care. But I can't. It's not who I am. I do care. No matter how many times I say I don't. That I'm okay. That it's alright. It's not.

I'm not.

Until today..

2008-10-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

Until today, I thought I was doing alright. That's usually how it is.. I'm doing sooo well in life and then somehow I manage to totally mess it all up BIGtime.. welcome to my life.

Until today, I didn't know what I wanted.. I had no goals.. until then I realized that there was one thing I wanted more than anything.. and that I should be working on a heck of a lot harder than I am.. That one thing is.. just being the best version of me I can be..

Until today, I loved where my life was going. I loved where my relationship with my family and friends were, I loved that I was missed back where I once lived. I loved that every once in awhile, I was the center of attention.. the center of somebody's world.

Until today, I was happy. Now? we shall see. I did something stupid. I don't know how he found out, but I'm almost glad he did. if it wasn't through here, I've deleted my posts right away. It would hurt him too much.

Until today, I liked myself. and then I remembered how it felt to hurt someone you love.. and I changed my mind.